I can’t help but think of dates today.

See, I don’t know if I’m good at dates or if I really suck at them.

I remember the date I lost my virginity, the date I got my heart broken for the first time, the date I believed in love again, the date I started college, the date I gave up on it and birthdays. I’m good at birthdays.

But then I try to remember the date I got my period, or first kiss, or when I started working, had the abortion, or left Penang to go stay in KL and my head pulls out blanks. I can’t even remember the date I got my first tattoo or the other 3 for that matter.

I wish I had a better memory. I wish my first real memory wasn’t of upper primary school. If only I could remember running around kindergarten without having to look at pictures first. But then again, thank god for those pictures. Although I’ve lost many pictures (and photo albums) over the years.

I wish I remembered why I chickened out of doing the many things I know I’d go back in time to do. I’d give anything to remember how it felt like playing piano or violin in front of a crowd for the first time. Or how it felt like to be acting on stage back in my schooling days. Those feelings that I’d never get back or be able to replace. I wish I could remember my first everythings without having to refer back to one of the many diaries I have lying around.


It’s the 8th of August today.
If my parents were still married, it’d be their 21st wedding anniversary.
Almost 18 long years of marriage before it ended.

Sometimes it amazes me how people get over long relationships or marriages like those. I don’t know if that’s something to be admired, or to be frowned upon. One year of being with someone, it ends, and I’m crushed. It always seems hard to not think of those memories or feelings I once had. I dont even wanna get started on how impossible it is trying to erase them. Hmmm.

Maybe sometimes it’s just better to not remember anything at all.

paint my page

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