Sometimes I wonder if we actually are friends.
And if we really are, why do we not talk?
What happened to us?
What happened to everything?
I miss you.
With new age, comes new responsibility, dreams and hopes. Right? And I know this may be about a week over due, but it is now only that I find the time and peace to really think of what this means. I’ve given this a lot of thought, time and time again, but over the past year, almost all my previous dreams and hopes, have either had to change, or been pulled away from beneath me. Tough luck. So here’s what is left of my dreams after all the editing and removal of scenes that were once there. The reality shall follow after.
In a years time, I dream of having a job that I am happy with. One that does not involved me being seated at a desk somewhere, painfully counting the minutes as they go by. I dream to be busy as a bee, running around, meeting people and happily partying some nights away. Twice a month would be satisfactory. In about 5 years, I dream to have met Mr Right and be stable to a certain extent so that I could continue my climb to financial security. With busy weekdays and romantic weekends, I’d have nothing much to complain about. In the 5 years to follow after, clubbing would be a thing of the past. I dream of settling down, and having a kid or two. Maybe 3. I’d take a few years off work to spend time back home, til they go off to school. Then I’d either continue with my previous line of work, or go into some other venture. Something maybe less stable, but thrilling nonetheless. I’d work til I would not need to anymore, and then I dream of spending the rest of my wonderful days with my previously mentioned Mr Right in some foreign, exotic country.
That is what’s left of my dream. But as colourful as it seems, this is the reality. There is no current job that fits into that dream, no face on my Mr Right and no time nor place as to where any of that might happen. It is, what it is. Merely a dream. And there’s only so much I could do to stay on track. I could push myself, hard, to work my way up, but the other half of it, I believe, lays in the hands of fate. I don’t suppose trying really hard is gonna get me the right man now. In some ways, the less I try, the more chances someone really good would come into my life right.
So here’s to fate. May it and its good graces allow me the chance to live my dream. And may karma not turn around and bite me in the ass for wanting to mess with fate every once in a while.
How is a crime for me to not want to fully let go of my past?
Is it my fault that I did not follow in your footsteps?
Is it so awful that I hold on to feelings longer than you do?
That I was so much in love that I still doubt I’d ever feel love like that again.
Do you think it is my choice to cry when I do, or go through the pain I go through?
Why do you say you’ll love me despite all that.
Then expect me to be comfortable with you?
I made it clear, that my past would be something you’d have to deal with.
For a really long time.
It is not my problem that you choose to stay with me for I never expected you to.
I still love him. I still care.
And yes, I still don’t understand why.
But I know I don’t want to let go of those feelings, or delete all those pictures.
I’m not living in the past, I’m merely holding on to it’s memories.
In time, I will forget how I ever felt through that phase of my life.
And I might never feel those feelings again.
So right now, while I still remember.
What harm does it do you if I cry when I do, or go through the pain I go through?
Learn to accept it or grow some balls and walk away.
Coz at this moment, no matter how much it hurts.
I do not want to let go of my past.
And if you really loved me.
You’d let me make that mistake.
You’d let me live that lie.