Monthly Archives: July 2009

She was Fine

She was fine.

Then she heard a familiar song playing. One that she had avoided listening to for so long. But she couldn’t seem to turn it off this time. Even though it had been such a long time, she could still sing to the lyrics or hum to the tune. And as she listened on, she couldn’t help but remember him.

The song. Their song. She remembered him, sitting on his chair, playing the song for her the very first time. She remembered him telling her, it would be the first song they’d dance to together once they were married. She remembered him tearing up as he held her hand. But with a smile so sincere it could have made her cry. She remembered holding back those tears, as his family was just in the hall.

She remembered him singing in the car. So loud she could barely hear the music. So loud she found herself having to tell him to stop, time and time again. She remembered his airy voice. The calm in it. How he looked like from the side, and the funny look he got as he hit the high notes.

She remembered the silly little things he used to do to make her laugh. And how well it worked. She remembered how clumsy he was. And the many times he bumped his head into the guitar by the wall. She remembered getting kicked in the face as he got up. And how they always laughed about it.

She remembered his smile. His lips. His kisses. How his rough lips would always seem so soft and warm. How she’d complain about having to constantly wipe her glasses from his nose touching it. And how she’d give in and end up taking it off. She remembered taking off his glasses as well.

She remembered the many car rides they had. And how he would always hold her hand. She remembered falling asleep on his lap as they sat in the back of the van. And the many other things they found time to do in there as well. She remembered the places he drove to. The trips they went on.

More than anything, she remembered how safe he always made her feel.

But as soon the song started to fade, she pushed her memories away. And she was fine again. She was fine. Even though she knew she didn’t have him anymore.

Even though she could no longer run into his arms. Or hug and kiss him like she used to. Even though she’d never marry him. Or spend the rest of her life with him. Even though she wasn’t getting her fairy tale ending.

She was fine. Coz she had given up. On everything she had believed in. On everything she had tried fighting for. On him. But mostly, because she had given up on herself.

She didn’t want to cry anymore. She didn’t want to live. But all she could do was stay numb. Til the memories came flooding back again.

Come back home Weggie

Hello world. No, this isn’t really an update. It’s just coz I was emoing. Being depressed missing having weggie around. And I missed the moments we shared. Hehe. I know it sounds sappy. But yeah. I miss having a sister around.

I miss you weggie. Come back home.

staring Blankly at the screen

She sat quietly, thinking.
She couldn’t stop thinking about everything he had ever said to her.
Everything that had happened.
And the night before was no different.
The words just seemed to be replaying on loop.
It didn’t matter how hard she tried to think about anything else.
Or the things she did to try to distract herself.
Nothing worked.
She just couldn’t get him off her mind.

I know I owe the world an update.
But all I can do now is place my hands on the keyboard.
And stare blankly at the screen.

I promise.


Yes, it’s not her writing Spanish (not like she would in HER own blog :P).
It’s her soulmate who’s newly learning Spanish who decides to NOT update HER own blog, but update this blog, ‘cos she misses doing so.

And writing this blog reminded her of the 4am talks, the crazy ungodly hours of gossiping, laughing, planning our future (LIKE IT’D HAPPEN TOMORROW?:P), and the inside jokes which NOBODY would understand (note : NOT even our own kids and husbands)’s just another classic example of how our soulmate-ness (for lack of a better word) can be.

Woman, I hope to be able to celebrate your birthday with you this year. And are you moving to where you told me you are? If it’s so then it’d be MUCHO MUCHO easier for us to meet and hang out and *ahem* all.. so please, do tell me kay? The soulmate misses you a lot. And I believe it’s likewise.

The call last Sunday was unexpected..and again when you called at such an *ahem* – I don’t need to say that word out :P- time; we had our talk, but I ‘m so sorry I’ve been so exhausted the past week, I have no more zest to talk to you the way I used to last time. Lo siento, chica. However, when we talked about the many other things that we ALWAYS talk about..and when we said that Mr Jayden’s gonna go “Mango? Gogogogogogo?”..and number 3’d go “where?” out of nowhere..that was classic humour!

And the A for Effort.
And the banana, nana. Fruitcake(!).. boy, the laughter was heard by my father downstairs lol.
I kena sound the next morning :P but t’was all good.

So here’s a little intruding to tell you that I seriously do miss you, and I’m sorry for being unable to spend time with you like we used to with each other – but I super super hope that we’d be able to once I get used to living in this uni.. and all that jazz :S

Yes, and I’ll introduce 4 to you .
And he’d frown like how banana did when we talked :P

adios for now, cariño (:
te extraño mucho. ten cuidado, por favor?

tu alma gemela (:

Am I Alone?

September’s coming. Time has passed faster than I thought it would. Last year I turned 20. I made it a huge deal for the people that were in my life at that point. This year’s my 21st. And it doesn’t feel like anything anymore.

A few months ago, I was busy thinking of all the amazing things I’d be doing with the boyfriend. The soulmate. The bestfriends. The family. But now, nothing. The big 21. My mum’s overseas. My dad doesn’t think of me as family. My brother’s decided to start a silent war. My ex is well, my ex. The soulmate’s gonna be busy with uni. The bestfriends are scattered all over the place. And you have no idea how impossible it is to try and get everyone together at the same time.

I think it’s really that I miss my family now. Friends come and go. And so do boyfriends. But I never thought not having my family around would be something I’d have to deal with. Not so soon. Not like this.

Life goes on. But with my birthday coming up in 2months, I’ve just been reminded of how different I thought things would be at this point. It’s not that everything changed in a matter of seconds. But over the past 3 years, it feels like I’ve lost just about everyone that I’ve loved. And that’s whats painful.

I feel so alone sometimes.

It used to be okay before. When I distracted myself. But now, simply keeping myself busy doesn’t take away that empty feeling. It’s gotten so bad that I just don’t want to bother anymore. I just don’t.

I’m moving again. By the end of this year. At this point, I don’t wanna state where to or when exactly. But I am. I’m moving to get closer. I’m moving to get away. I just need to do something meaningful in my life right now. Something more fulfilling. And I think I’ve found just the thing. I’m just hoping it all goes well.