Okay. This is gonna be a very VERY long post. I can’t possible exaggerate how long this post is gonna be. I’m just feeling very…well, alone right now.
So here’s what I came across on facebook.
If you didn’t click and enlarge the first photo, well that’s a photo my dad posted up on his facebook. And I didn’t notice it til just now, because I guess my dad hasn’t figured out how to tag people in pictures yet. Below it is the comment he made.
I’ve always had a very shaky relationship with my dad, due to many different issues over the past few years. From teenage rebellion to my parents’ divorce. And well, we’ve fought on many different occasions too. It wasn’t til recently when I moved out again that things started to get better (due to the lack of reasons to fight). Many years ago, after I had stopped form 6 and eventually decided to start work, I remember clearly having a disagreement with dad over what I was to do with my life. And the one thing I remember saying was “Why can’t you just be proud of what I’ve done instead of telling me what I should do?” Then today I saw that. And it totally caught me off guard. Like really completely off guard. And as I stared at the picture and what my dad had said, my eyes got watery and that’s when I realized “Oh no. Here comes the emo’ing”.
I don’t even know if he thought about what he was typing or it was just something that crossed his mind at that moment, but hello! There’s no way i’m taking that for granted! I don’t think anyone understands how much meaning a simple line like that can hold. I’ve waited a good 4 years to know that my dad’s proud of me. It’s amazing to finally be at this point.
It makes me miss having a family so so SO much more! I’ve never been the type to wear my heart on my sleeve and it’s been especially that way when it comes to family. A long time ago, I told myself that I didn’t care. I didn’t care if my dad didn’t love me or that my mum wasn’t here. I didn’t care if they didn’t know what was going on in my life or how I felt. I told myself that I wouldn’t care, if they didn’t care about me. But truth is, I lied. I cared every single day. I cared every time something big happened in my life and they’re weren’t there. I cared when I needed someone to talk to and realized it wasn’t going to be them. I cared when I turned 21, and they didn’t celebrate it with me.
I’d give anything to have a picture perfect family. Really, everything. Money isn’t happiness. Neither are countless valuables. I guess to me, happiness comes in feeling loved. In knowing that someone needs you around. That someone cares beyond words. Happiness is having a family. Because when everyone else fails, it’s your family who’s supposed to be there. Family never walks away. No matter what.
People who have lost a parent always say “At least both your parents are alive”. And even though I appreciate the fact that I have a living set of parents, what they don’t get is how hard it is being in this situation as well. Having parents that separated just a few years ago leaves a big big wound. It takes years for people to heal. For people to forgive. And do those people know what it’s like to have a parent tell you that they can’t love you because all they see in you is the pain the other parent has caused? No. Do those people understand how hard it is to be stuck in the middle trying not to choose sides and then be accused of taking one? No. Do those people understand the pain of hating themselves when they feel like they’ve caused that separation? Hell no! So if you’re one of those people, just shut up for a while and understand that you’re not the only that’s having a hard time.
I know that it is this need to feel loved that has played a huge part in my dating history. Sometimes it’s comforting to know that someone is there to make me wanted everyday. Even if I don’t think I’d ever love the person in return. Sometimes I love so much that it practically drives the other person away. Coz I guess I want someone to love me that crazily. And you treat others how you want to be treated in return right. But at the end of that process of trying to fill this empty loneliness that I feel, I’ve made some very poor choices and ended up feeling just as lonely as before.
I don’t know if giving up is the right thing to do. When you know you love someone, you know it right. It’s this feeling that just can’t be replaced. And it’s hard not having that person in your life. Because that’s what causes the loneliness. Having people who cared and then losing them is the worst pain I’ve ever felt.
I miss you dad.
I miss you mummy.
I miss you Ronny.
And I miss you Jermaine.
After everything I’ve said, I realize that as people grow up and life goes on, family changes from what you’re born into, to what you choose to have. I will always want my parents to love me. And to be close to my brother.
I need a hug now.