little miracles

Yesterday, I found out how much I could hurt.
Yesterday, I found out how little you really cared.
I’ve never once claimed to have not made mistakes. I’ve never once said that I am in any way perfect. And all I’ve expected from you at this point is honesty. A little courage to tell me the truth when you knew you were doing something that was eventually gonna hurt me. I told you straight up, I’d be shocked. I’d freak. But how could you not expect a reaction? I am after all, just human as well. And you need to give me time to accept something and be okay with it. Which I would, eventually.
I’ve managed to be strong through everything else. To be understanding with your fucked up situation and your inability to make choices and stand by it. I’ve been strong for the both of us, when you couldn’t anymore. But when I can’t sleep at night, when I no longer want to get up in the mornings, I know you’ve pushed it way to far for it to even be the least bit fair anymore.
I carried our babies for 3 months. The second time around. I took care of myself, and them. I believed in your plan to keep it a secret til we couldn’t anymore, then go through with it no matter what your family said. Having it not be our first time dealing with it, I trusted you enough to think that you’d meant it when you said this was a second chance to make up for all those “regrets” you claimed to have about our past.
I kept it from my friends. From my family. From yours. Every time I felt like I couldn’t do it alone, I had to stop and think about the consequences it’d have on your life if people started to find out. And I barely told anyone. I had to keep it from my own best friend for so long in fear she’d tell your cousin. Tell me, how is it in any way fair? and after all that, when the shit hit the fan like we’d been expecting all all along, you turned around and told me, you couldn’t do it with me anymore.
I fought myself for weeks, trying to figure out how I’d be able to do it without you. And in the end, I gave in. Because you couldn’t deal with doing it with me and walking away from your family. And you wouldn’t let me have them myself coz you wouldn’t get to know them. You were such a fucking coward! Yet I still stood by you.
After everything, I’d expect you to seriously be man enough to not lie to me about things that are going on. After everything, guilt aside, you freaking owe it to me for the shit you’ve put me through. What are you worried about? That I’d do something silly and extreme? What have I not gone through with you. What have I not learnt to deal with? I’ve bounced back better than anyone else you’d ever know.
I really don’t want to care about anything that’s going on in your life, but when it hasn’t even been a month since the operation, and we haven’t even sat down to talk about it all, and you’re already dating. How am I to not care. And the saddest part is, I don’t even have to ask about you for people to come running to tell me what you’ve been up to.
I want them to shut the fuck up.
I want to get past this.
I want to not hate you, so that I can live my life in peace.
Right now, the past barely affects me anymore. What we had the first time around, and the things we went through, I know it’s all thought me to be a much stronger person. And I know I could make it through almost anything. It doesn’t even hurt knowing I’m not with you. I came to terms with that some time ago. What really hurts is that I trusted you when you said you knew what a hard choice it was for me to make. And that you’d be there with me through the process of getting past it no matter what.
It’s barely been a month. And you’re dating because you don’t care enough to wait for something real. And a malay girl of all things. Like I’ve always said. It’s one thing to hurt me when you know what you’re doing is worth the trouble. It is a totally different thing to do it just because.
All I really feel like saying now is give me back my babies!
You have no idea how stupid I feel for giving it all up to make it work for you, and then have you turn your back and treat me like this. But once again, I’ve got to suck it up and learn to deal with it. Coz if I didn’t, you’d be dead by now. I don’t want to continue making the wrong choices because of you. I know I’m the one that has to walk away and be the bigger person. Why is it that you find it so hard to just not do anything for now and let me heal. Mentally, physically, emotionally.
Yesterday, I found out how much I could hurt.
Yesterday, I found out how little you really cared.
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