Daily Archives: 141209

The Pilot

Remember how you left me a message right before leaving your uncle’s place in UK?

“morning baby..i just woke up got ready and packed my bags. im nearly on my way home to you =)

so lovely u sent me fb msgs. it really really made me happy.sorry i had to go like that yesterday. im missing u so much. please please take care of yourself.

ill miss u so much. SO MUCH. kisses and hugs.”


And when I tried to ignore you after that and tell you that things wouldn’t work coz we just weren’t ready.

“Im trying to call you but i have no idea why ur phone’s like totally out of reach.

This is what i want you to know.

I landed yesterday and the FIRST thing i did was dial u number. and what i wanted to tell u was…that im home. FOR YOU. and i wanted to ask you if you are ready for this new chapter of your life. because ive fallen for you.
And then tried calling..again. i never got through.
I have so much to tell you about how close we are to having what we want. but i dont understand why you didnt want to talk much yesterday.
it has not ended for me. im hoping you still think of me and want me. because i want you.

ill always want you. i know its hard for you, but let me strengthen you. give me a chance to.

i need you summer. dont give up just because of yesterday. or whatever that has happened this past few days.
im dying to talk to you.
ive fallen for you. all i want is you to hear me out.
Brennan.”

What happened to those days? Those messages? Those feelings?
And why when I tried so hard to tell you this relationship is worth the trouble, did you not turn around and tell me you still wanted me then.
I miss you. So much.
I still not-so-secretly wished things were okay.

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I don’t know what to do anymore now.
The nights are especially hard to deal with.
I hate not having someone to hug to sleep. But it sucks more to know that when I wake up, there’s not gonna be anyone around for me to hug either. And by anyone I mean him. I can’t get off the laptop to lie down and try to sleep coz the moment I stop chatting or texting, my mind goes back to thinking the same thoughts. It sucks being alone. It sucks knowing that not only is he not mine anymore, but that he’s gone. Completely.
I’d be lying if I said I’m not waiting to hear from him. To get that explanation that I so badly need.
But I honestly don’t know if he’d even do that.
I want to say so many things to you. Scream. Cry. Let it out. But then again, I know I kinda don’t want to. Coz there’s no point. It’d only leave me more tired than I am now. And I really don’t need that.

It sucks that you’re doing this to me, after everything you said. I’d link your post here so you could reread what you said to me. But I know I don’t have to. You’re well aware of what the situation was. Is.
I feel mad. Upset. Emotional. Hurt. Pissed. Sad. And alone.
But I can’t let myself cry anymore. Not now. Not yet.
Why’s it so hard to just fucking fall asleep?!
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