Monthly Archives: May 2010

430

Current addiction

Yes, I know I’ve never really been one to get addicted to games, but I’ve been REALLY bored at home. And what the hell. Might as well do something right? =)
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What Hit Me Today

It hit me today that yeah, I still think about you. Not as much as I used to. And not in the same way. But there are moments where my mind spaces and I wonder how you’re doing there. It’s weird, no longer having you at the back of my mind in that way all the time. I remember those long eight months where there wasn’t a moment in which I was not thinking about you. I worked so hard on hiding it then. I’m really glad I don’t have to anymore.
It’d be a lie to say that I don’t miss how you used to do the stupidest little things that made me giggle uncontrollably. Or that there’s been someone that has crossed my life who has made as much difference as you did. But after an extremely long time of letting myself hurt over you, I realized today that i’m really not hurting anymore. I guess now i’m just waiting to let someone in again. To open up, trust wholeheartedly and love blindly once more.

426

…shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lover
I just felt like saying, I love you.
I don’t know if you read my blog. I don’t know if I want you to read my blog.
Maybe it’s better if you weren’t aware of certain things.
Coz then I’d have a way to express stuff that I don’t want to say to you.
It feels good to just let it out sometimes.
It’s funny. We’ve been friends for so long.
If it wasn’t right, these feelings should have gone away. No?
I don’t know how it’s supposed to work anymore.
I know I’m way more verbal bout how I feel than you are.
But sometimes I wonder if you really understand just how much I care about you.
And sometimes I wonder it you feel the same way too.

Disappear

She had the man of her dreams and some success. The friends she needed and everything else. She was so happy, and looking well. Then in a blink of her eyes, she lost everything. She tried to hold on to herself for so long. She didn’t want to lose herself. But on this one dark night, she slipped. She’s back on drugs again. Even though she knows it ain’t right. She can’t even call up her friends and ask them to save her. To bring her back. She’s so ashamed of herself coming full circle. Exactly where she was before. And once again with no one to run to. Nobody understood what it was like to be this girl. She wanted to run. And not tell a soul. But she couldn’t. No one seemed to realise, that even though in person she was there, her soul had began to disappear.

424

Looking at your wall and going through your photo album makes me miss you so much. It just feels like so long since you’re been here with us. I think about you all the time. I wish it were me and Ron in those pictures with you. And here’s a lil secret. I felt jealous that Mandy got to go stay with you there. And I haven’t. Not an upset jealous, it just made me wish I was there as well. I really miss you so much.
It’s not the shopping trips, or going on holidays. Or doing anything major really. It’s the little things that I don’t do with anyone else that I miss. Staying up in the hall watching tv and chit chatting. Exchanging clothes every now and then just for the fun of it. Gossiping bout all kinds of things. It’s so hard to just randomly share stuff or keep you updated when you’re so far away.
Having you back once a year for a holiday doesn’t seem to make anything better. It just makes me stop and think bout all the things we used to do together as a family. Well, the family I was used to at least. Somehow, all those memories include you. I guess it was the many years you spent at home, being a kid and growing up with us. Never really thought there’d be moments where I’d miss you this much. It is true. You never know what you have until you lose it.
“Love you darling, I really miss you too. I really think of you everyday… Mumi”
I know I’m a big girl now and it’s a normal thing to not live with parents forever, but come back sometime soon yeah. I don’t like not having a mother here. I love you.
No one really knows just how alone I feel sometimes.
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