I’ve been single for about a month now (yes, that’s the first time I’m actually stating it here) and it’s been such a weird experience. For the most part, I got used to the routine of a life I was living. Wake up, go over to boyfriend’s place, go out with boyfriend and friends, head over to best friend’s house, hang out with best friend and friends, go back and sleep. And then I wake up to the same thing again.
So what happens when all of a sudden the boyfriend part is removed? Everything stops functioning the same way and I’m left trying to piece the pieces together again. Friendships change and I don’t get to hang out with quite a lot of people I would have been hanging out with. His friends go back to being his friends, and I’m forgotten. And what about my friends? Honestly, when you move because of a relationship, you kinda leave your friends behind. Along with everything else that feels like home. It’s not the smartest thing to do. But life’s about making choices.
As much as many people would like to point out how stupid I was to do what I did, it was either stay home and drop the relationship. Or hold on to the relationship and move here. And sadly, I am relationship orientated. It is something I have known for the longest time. I don’t judge you for your choices. You shouldn’t be judging me for mine. At the end of the day I’m the one left dealing with the consequences anyways.
I apologize for the emo rant (or lack of sense in this post). I’ve tried so hard to not show how affected I am by this break up. Coz really, it wasn’t a horrible one. In some ways, it’s been the best break up I’ve been through. We talked about things and agreed on it. And now we’re slowly working our way towards being just friends again. Those 3years of friendship isn’t worth throwing away over anything. And I’m not depressed or suicidal.
But I do feel lost. And I want normal back so badly. The problem is, things have changed so many times in my life that I don’t know what normal is anymore. I’m trying my best to just be alright with everything that’s going on. Dealing with the days as they go by. Not really trying to plan anything out. But how do I know what’s right or wrong right now? How am I supposed to instantly know how to deal with new people when I haven’t even figured out how I want to deal with myself? Do I listen to myself and do what I’m comfortable doing? Or listen to what other people are telling me and risk losing myself trying to please them?
I’m trying really hard right now. But there’s only so much I can take before I’m gonna feel like breaking.
Where have all my real friends gone? Seems like everyone’s so caught up in their own drama that no one’s stopped to ask me how I’ve been dealing with things. I’m not distancing myself away from anyone on purpose. Maybe I just need y’all to do the reaching out for once.