My grandparents are getting old. And it scares the crap outta me.
The thing about my grandparents is that they’ve been a constant part of my life from the day I was born. They’ve always stayed with us. Since my parents got divorced, I’ve spent less time around my dad because I don’t stay with him when I’m back. And my mum moved away 4 years ago. But my grandparents were always around every time I came back home to Penang. In fact, my grandmother’s about the only reason I make sure I visit often enough. My grandfather doesn’t really communicate much. He’s more of a quiet person. He’s even been jokingly referred to as “that stranger in your house” because sometimes you really don’t even notice he’s sitting in his chair.
Years have gone by and they’re both quite sick now. I know it’s a normal old people thing, but I feel horrible thinking about them being alone at home. Silly uncle lives about an hour away from here and doesn’t even know how to visit his own parents. I sometimes wish I didn’t need to live my own life so I could be at home all the time. But I know that I purposely detach myself from them because if I don’t do that now, I don’t think I’d be able to deal with it when that day comes.
Every time I leave the house and say goodbye to my grandmother, I worry if it’ll be the last. When I head to KL for weeks, I feel even worse. What if something happens and I can’t get back home on time. Now the thought of being away for 2 months almost brings tears to my eyes.
Alright, I lied. It totally brought tears to my eyes.
Losing them is one thing. But what if I don’t even get to say goodbye? Blogging about this or even having such thoughts is a scary thing. I’ve actually been holding on to a piece of wood since just now. Yes, I believe in that whole “touch wood” superstition.
Someday, I’m gonna look at my phone and not see missed calls from my grandmother. No one’s going to check on me to see if I’ve had breakfast/lunch/dinner/supper. No one’s going to ask when I’m going to be visiting home next. Or what time I’m going to be back.
Yes, I’m completely crying my eyes out now. That’s enough for awhile. I’ll think of “someday”, some other day.
Til then, I’m allowed to believe that my grandparents are immortal, no? I’ve never ever had to deal with the loss of someone I’m close to. Death just isn’t something that’s real to me. It’s like, it doesn’t register in my head at all. Maybe that’s why it scares me so much more.
I love you ah ma ♥