thecolourrainbow

I’ve never really been my own person before. For such a long time, I was always just “someone’s girlfriend”. Sure I say I’ve been independent. But in the sense that I don’t depend on my parents to take care of me. Or that I don’t actually stay at home with a family. But like I said, I’ve always been a girlfriend. I’ve moved away from home for the boyfriend. Changed cliques of friends for that reason too and basically readjusted everything to them. I’ve ignored my own friends at times because I get so caught up playing the part of “a girlfriend” and I forget to do things for myself. 

Whether it was intentional or not at those points, I can’t really remember. But I know I’ve always been willing to make those changes because I’ve always felt like I needed someone around who actually cared about me. 

How wrong was I?!

What on earth has any guy ever done but cause more drama in my life. It’s not like any of them have ever moved to where I was to be with me. It was never expected, coz I don’t mind moving. I adapt to new places pretty easily. But none of them have asked me to move to where they were and provided me a place to stay. No. They ask, then I figure the rest out on my own. I’ve never been with a guy who’s worked his ass off to take care of me either. There are things I have done that I wouldn’t be proud of, but not once have I dated a guy because he had money. 

I’ve always just wanted love. It’s the one thing that’s been missing from my life and I’ve been so willing to sacrifice everything else just to get it from a boyfriend. And at the end of the day, I didn’t even get that. 

I was once on the right track. I had passion, a goal, and the drive to push myself to do better in life. Then I got all stupid. Well, time to unstupify myself! Enough with guys. 

I have friends. Amazing friends who make time for me, offer me support when I’m down, let me into their lives, open up their homes to me when my boyfriend (whichever one) can’t. And on top of that, they give endless reasons to laugh and be happy. Why the hell have I not seen that before?

Between them and myself, I have all that I need to be okay. My life doesn’t need to revolve around some guy. And I can definitely function without being a girlfriend. Of course someday I’ll reach a point where I’d want that again. But I don’t want to allow myself to get there anytime soon. I’ve been single for 4 months now. That’s longer than the combined amount of time I’ve been single over the past 6 years. God. 6 years. Has it really been that long?

2011 has been a significant year to me so far. I’ve learnt to be a better friend, to be more positive about life, to be on my own. And now I just have to push myself to do things because I want to do it for myself, and not coz someone expects me to. I’m not gonna fool myself into believing that this is the end of life’s problems. Life’s a never-ending journey. But years from now, I get to look back and know that I took a big step right around now. And as long as I continue to grow, things should turn out alright.