Monthly Archives: April 2012

Before I leave

…here’s a post on the little things I will always remember.
Cooking and baking cupcakes with the girls.
Going boating the first time in my life and jumping into almost freezing cold water. 
 The many rides we went on, over and over again at Adventure World.
Shopping in the city with the family. 
Sucking at monopoly. Then kicking ass at monopoly. Then sucking again.
 Losing my engagement ring at the beach. LOL.
Taking the girls to Scitech and spending quality time with them.
And my favourite memory of all. Celebrating mummy’s birthday.
I’m bummed that tomorrow I say see you again to the awesome family I have here. But that’s what it is; not a goodbye, because we’ll be seeing each other so many more times through our lives. 
Looking at the glass as half full, it’s been such a treat, having my mum quite literally within arm’s reach for a whole month. And now I get to go back to the loving arms of my amazing fiance. 
Guess I still don’t have any complaints about life at the moment. 

Why I LOVE YOU.

I love how you smile in the morning in your sleep when I kiss you on your cheeks/forehead/nose to wake you up.
I love the way you tuck your arm under my neck and let me cuddle into my corner.
I love the hugs you give me at random points through the night.
I love how cheeky you can be.
I love that you know me well enough to know when I would/would not respond to that cheekiness.
I love that you still try on days that you already know the only thing you’re gonna get is a “hey!”.
I love how you pick me up and carry me around. 
I love how you’re the first boy that’s been able to do that properly. 
I love your height and how awesome your arms/shoulders look without you even trying.
I love it even more now that you’re working out again and everything looks awesomER.
I love the massages I get while watching movies on the couch.
I love that you choose to baby me, then complain about it, then baby me some more. 
I love how you don’t put up a fight when I’m being impossible/demanding sometimes. 
I love the silly insignificant discussions we get into when you do decide to be as stubborn as me.
I love the way you calm down so predictably after that so we can make up.
I love how smart, and how much of a smart ass you are.
I love the fact that you’re independent and know how to take care of yourself. 
On the other hand, I also love how much you need my help with things like navigation and folding clothes.
I love that you enjoy partying and don’t plan to get old and boring anytime soon (if ever). 
I love how you sweat so much that there’s always space to dance around you at raves.
I don’t know if it’s coz you aren’t hairy, or you’re chinese, or just unique, but I love how after all of that, you still don’t have a smell/scent. 
I love that you are, but aren’t really chinese at the same time.
I love all our similarities and differences.
I love how crazy we are; as individuals and as a pair.
The way we somehow seem to just get each other only cements the fact that we’re meant to be.
I could add so many more things to the list, coz I really do just love you that much.
I also know how lucky I am too, now that I have you in my corner fighting for me, supporting me and loving me unconditionally.

Never have I felt accepted, just being the person I actually am.
All the good, and more importantly, all the ugly. 

So here’s my promise to you.
I will (now and always), hold your hand through life’s journey and not give up, no matter how challenging it gets. Not without a fight, remember? 
xoxo, 
The girl you’re gonna marry someday.

Recycle Bin

In February of 2007, I took my first bus alone down to Kuala Lumpur. A small town girl looking for a big adventure. I decided then that I wanted to keep track of the travelling I would do throughout my life (and the stories that came along with it) so I wrote it down somewhere. You see, I’ve always had selective memory and I knew the chances of me recollecting those memories 10 years from now was slim to none. 

I kept making notes til I got my laptop later on that year, then I shifted it over. Occasionally I’d open up the file to make an update but by 2011 I decided to abandon it because opening the file reminded me of so many painful memories (of breakups and people leaving).
Today, as I was going through files to look for something I misplaced, I came across it once again. Some part of me didn’t want to, but I opened it this time. I guess I knew I was ready to delete it but I wanted to go through it one last time. Say my goodbyes.
Reading all those entries made me feel awful. Every note felt like a flashback.

The day my mum left Malaysia. The day I had my abortion. The many times I traveled back and forth for a relationship that lead to abortion. The mistakes I made trying to get over it.

At the end of it all, here’s what I realised.

I’ve continuously allowed myself to be used and/or mistreated because there’s always been this emptiness in my life. A void, so to speak. Not having family to go back to for so long left me feeling really lonely. I’ve looked for love and made sacrifices in hopes of finding true companionship to fill that void, only to find out that not everyone’s willing to do the same in return. I’ve also dropped my standards to an unbelievable low just because I thought if I gave the frog/beast a chance, he might someday transform into a prince. My prince. Turns out, my life’s not a fairytale. I know, what a shocker!

It’s not all negative though. I have come to believe that there’s no point in regrets because where I am or what my life is like today, is a result of all those risks that I’ve taken. And I can honestly say I’ve never been in a better place before. After so many years of stumbling around feeling unaccepted and judged, who knew that it was possible for me to be nothing but myself and find happily ever after at the same time? 

On top of the amazing mother I’ve always had, I now have a solid relationship built on trust and honesty (not an easy feat considering the twisted/crazy things that go through my mind), a loving (step)family that cares a whole lot about me and friends that I don’t have to be fake around.

If life doesn’t get any better after this, I won’t complain.
How could I? I already have everything I’ve always wanted and so much more.

"Dave", but not really.

Took the boat out today for a couple of hours. What a treat!
Jadestar 
Lala 
Way more fun than any amusement park ride!
Got home 2-3 hours ago and I’m still tired. Trying not to doze off though coz I’ve managed to perfect my sleeping schedule since getting here. Believe it or not, I wake up by 8 nowadays. In the morning!!!! FOR REAL!