Recycle Bin

In February of 2007, I took my first bus alone down to Kuala Lumpur. A small town girl looking for a big adventure. I decided then that I wanted to keep track of the travelling I would do throughout my life (and the stories that came along with it) so I wrote it down somewhere. You see, I’ve always had selective memory and I knew the chances of me recollecting those memories 10 years from now was slim to none. 

I kept making notes til I got my laptop later on that year, then I shifted it over. Occasionally I’d open up the file to make an update but by 2011 I decided to abandon it because opening the file reminded me of so many painful memories (of breakups and people leaving).
Today, as I was going through files to look for something I misplaced, I came across it once again. Some part of me didn’t want to, but I opened it this time. I guess I knew I was ready to delete it but I wanted to go through it one last time. Say my goodbyes.
Reading all those entries made me feel awful. Every note felt like a flashback.

The day my mum left Malaysia. The day I had my abortion. The many times I traveled back and forth for a relationship that lead to abortion. The mistakes I made trying to get over it.

At the end of it all, here’s what I realised.

I’ve continuously allowed myself to be used and/or mistreated because there’s always been this emptiness in my life. A void, so to speak. Not having family to go back to for so long left me feeling really lonely. I’ve looked for love and made sacrifices in hopes of finding true companionship to fill that void, only to find out that not everyone’s willing to do the same in return. I’ve also dropped my standards to an unbelievable low just because I thought if I gave the frog/beast a chance, he might someday transform into a prince. My prince. Turns out, my life’s not a fairytale. I know, what a shocker!

It’s not all negative though. I have come to believe that there’s no point in regrets because where I am or what my life is like today, is a result of all those risks that I’ve taken. And I can honestly say I’ve never been in a better place before. After so many years of stumbling around feeling unaccepted and judged, who knew that it was possible for me to be nothing but myself and find happily ever after at the same time? 

On top of the amazing mother I’ve always had, I now have a solid relationship built on trust and honesty (not an easy feat considering the twisted/crazy things that go through my mind), a loving (step)family that cares a whole lot about me and friends that I don’t have to be fake around.

If life doesn’t get any better after this, I won’t complain.
How could I? I already have everything I’ve always wanted and so much more.

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2 thoughts on “Recycle Bin

  1. sgrmse. says:

    APPLAUSEEE!!! :D :D :D bravo, girl friend! *big hugs*

  2. Henry Tan says:

    on the bright side, you are grown up now. ;)

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