on friendship and goodbyes

everyone leaves. i used to hate how knowing that made me feel. that every good thing has to come to an end. that nothing lasts forever. i used to question why. why all the pain of having to say goodbye? why the separation or loss. why couldn’t things just always remain the way it was at its best?

all through my life, i have felt like i had my family and many friends taken away from me. most of them out of my control. and it’s not that i ever stopped loving any of them. life just had different plans for us and i had to keep moving forward – which unfortunately didn’t leave me with many opportunities to remain close to the people who were in my life at any given point.

because of that, maybe some felt (and still feel) like i had abandoned/forgotten them. or that i am flaky and do not make the effort to spend my time keeping in touch or catching up with them. others continued on in a different direction with their lives which naturally did not involve me as i was simply not around.

i doubt dealing with such situations would come so easily to me if it weren’t for the lessons i had learnt in my late teenage years when the family unit i was used to all my life was suddenly in pieces. it was a lot of pain and confusion at first, not knowing how to fully adapt to such a great loss until i realised that maybe everything happens for a reason. and if i choose to focus on the beauty that comes out of every situation, it all becomes so much easier to get through.

friends who were best friends before, yet barely are present in my current life. ex boyfriends i no longer know but loved greatly in the past. parents, grandparents and a brother who i spent every day of my childhood with, i only see a few times a year now. but none of that is anything to mourn over. people grow together, and then they grow apart. sure, on some level i miss each and every person i was once close to. and sometimes i wonder how they’re doing and who they are today. but i am my own person with current friends who reflect the point i am at in life now and friendships of the past are sometimes best left right there.

what if i chose to maintain friendships with people i once considered best friends? in all honesty, it would have held me back. many do not agree with the choices i make or lifestyle i live. and are stubborn in their own opinions. the same can be said the other way around. instead of going head to head with them and clashing over so many insignificant things, it is lighter to stand back, just watch them grow and be happy that they are happy doing whatever it is they choose to do. it is all i hope the people of my past do for me too. just be happy for me that i am happy and not judge too critically the person i was or am today.

i used to hate the idea of losing people. so much so that i would try too hard – to my own detriment – to keep them in my life. today i understand that letting go does not mean losing a person. sometimes it is the complete opposite. sometimes being apart allows two people to take a step back and appreciate each other for the things that truly matter, and then grow closer. distance does make the heart grow fonder.

those who have come to see that nothing can threaten the place they will always have in my heart – our relationships are deeper and more meaningful than ever before. for those who feel they have lost me or that i have forgotten them, i feel a little sad. sad that they hold a grudge against me for not being the most reliable, ever-present friend. sad that they don’t realise they will always be here with me, no matter the time or distance. as i am there with them.

i guess distance isn’t for everyone. some people need the support and closeness for relationships to exist. i personally learnt a long time ago that it’s not the quantity but the quality of time you spend with each other that matters. and people can come and go as they like, and then come and go again. i will always be right here for those whose life choices lead them on a path of collision with mine.

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