crying’s never really been my thing. i don’t exactly know why i am that way, but it’s probably got to do with how i was brought up. where crying never really was an escape. instead, it was better to be strong and smart, and debate/fight my way out of things. crying for no reason was weak. at least that’s how i remember feeling. the only occasions that really push me to crying are those of extreme frustration in dealing with situations that are near impossible or can not be dealt with because i honestly enjoy problem solving. i like seeing issues as opportunities for improvement or growth. or lessons to be learnt. and when i reach a dead end, i back away. there are very few people in my life i will not walk away from. and even fewer that can affect me to the point of making me tear up. and since my life has taken a turn for the better, i’ve hardly had any reason at all to cry.
today, tao died. my cat had 3 kittens, all of which have passed away over the past week. i wish i could have done something, but they were so little and i figured all it took was their mum taking care of them, before they got slightly older and needed to be dewormed etc. sooooo sad. tao was the hardest to say goodbye to since he slept with me and was really comfortable with us. a part of me feels like it wants to cry, but there’s a block. death to me is hardly something to mourn over.
to me, death is more of a celebration. a celebration of a lifetime (however short) spent here. and a celebration on passing on to the next life. whether that means reincarnation on earth as another being, or crossing over to another dimension altogether. mourning over a death seems unnecessary as it’s more a reflection of how those left behind feel and not of those who have passed. i’d imagine when my time comes someday, i’d want everyone to know that i am happy. happy to have lived, and happy to be leaving. and i’d want them – to their best efforts – to hold on to and celebrate all that was good.
but that’s just me. i used to feel like maybe something was not right on my insides. that i was supposed to feel so much more emotions and not feeling it, meant i was cold. but i have never been cold. today i realised i’m just more willing to let go of things when the time for it to leave comes. and my little baby tao will forever be in my memories.