Monthly Archives: October 2013

my brother, my first friend.

i’ve come to realize that through life, some feelings never get expressed and then they remain pent up in some form of resentment / hope / expectation. i don’t ever want to be caught in a situation where i have yet to say what i want to and will never get the chance to. so i’m writing letters to the people who mean a lot to me. those who i have loved and hated. to say everything here because the nature of our relationships do not allow for me to verbalize it in person.

i write for myself. for my own peace of mind, laying my feelings out on the table – so i can let go of them once and for all and move forward with less and less baggage. but i also hope that maybe someday the people they’re meant for may come across it and know the truth.

the first one’s for my brother, my first friend.

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being here and spending 2 weeks of family time together has reminded me of something I have known all my life. that i love you. i don’t ever remember not loving you through any phase of my life – no matter what ups or down we or our family went through.

as the younger sibling, i know you had moments in which u absolutely hated me. now being wise enough to see it in our stepsisters or other sibling relationships, i get how annoying it must be to have an elder sibling trying to guide you and thinking she knows better – all your life. as we grew up and i became a rebellious teenager first, it must have been hard for you to ever understand my personal struggles or the point i was at in life. it must have been confusing, upsetting and disappointing for you to know that i made choices you would have never seen yourself making. and because i moved out before we could become adults together, we never really got the chance to better the broken relationship we had. i don’t blame you for hating me. or not wanting me to be a part of your life. i get it.

i just wonder sometimes if u realize how much i have loved you forever? once, when mummy was video taping, i explained very seriously as best as i could in hokkien to ahma that “i have to take care of you, because if i don’t, who else will?” i was 4 then. my feelings have never changed. as an elder sibling, life must have been very different from my end. i may not have known exact rights from wrongs growing up, or the full affects of my influence on you, but i was always trying to guide you down the path i thought would be fun. always hoping you would enjoy doing things with me, and therefore love me more. or at least want to be around me. i even got to know that one girlfriend that i couldn’t stand because she was your girlfriend and that was my responsibility as your sister. i didn’t know that’s not what u wanted. i was always just trying to find ways to make our relationship better, or to show u that i loved you so that you would love me back.

sometimes i feel you think i hate-love you as much as you hate-love me and i don’t really get to tell you that i don’t hate you because you’re not my sister. you’re a boy and we just don’t have emotional sharing moments. do you know that i have never actually hated you at all?

in form 6, despite being a founding member of my own school’s drama team, i teamed up with you (and your school) – not because i ever thought we had a chance of winning – but because i wanted to share that experience with you and actively be a part of your highschool life. i took criticism and ignored being called a “traitor” because honestly, who cares about what anyone said when the reward was us getting to do something together?

when you had your accident and was stuck in a hospital bed hooked up to all sorts of scary tubes and almost died, i was there to feed you fruit and scratch your nose when it itched. i was happy in those moments because for the first and probably only time in our more adult lives, i felt you needing me and i could be there for you. of course i was happier to see you walk out alive!

sometimes i force myself to forget how much i really love you. i try to ignore it because when i do think of it, i get a little sad. i will always wish you would like for me to be a part of your life. i will always think of wanting to get you presents, doing you favors, sharing what I’ve learnt with you, calling you randomly to catch up, hanging out. but i know that ship is not at the dock right now. i will always try as much as i can to give you reasons to love me back, but you and i are different and my ways might never be good enough for you. so i do accept that this could be how we remain for the rest of our lives – connected but not close. i don’t think the hope for more will ever not be in the back of my mind but that’s okay, because as long as you’re happy and i still have a brother, what more can i ask for.

who hasn’t got shoes?

the question to you is, do you believe all stereotypes are true???
if not, then don’t worry about the opinions of ignorant people.
if so, then you have some soul searching to do on why their opinion is so important to you.

someone recently expressed desire to consider limb lengthening surgery. i remember coming across it a couple of years ago, thinking “good god, that’s ridiculous” and leaving it at that. but since it was brought up, i decided to look up the procedure. so what they do is basically break your bone and pull it apart slow enough so tissue forms healthily and fast enough so it doesn’t heal completely. you grow maybe 3-4 inches if you’re lucky. the procedure takes months, and then it’s months for recovery where you learn to walk all over again.

what started as reconstructive surgery for people injured in the war or those with birth defects is now available as a cosmetic procedure.

it’s shocking, the trauma people go through to rid themselves of flaws that do not exist in the first place. what goes on in our heads that we think a few extra inches of height or bigger boobs or better features make a difference?

i know personally – i was ashamed for so long because i felt my teeth weren’t normal. that when i talked, all people would see is my flaw. so i never smiled for photos. i didn’t smile until 2 years ago. as i grew up, i yearned for change. to do something, anything to fix it. i considered every option. even veneers (where they shave your actual teeth down to almost nothing, and permanently attach veneers on it). a lot of big stars have veneers, and that’s how i found out. in case anyone doesn’t know what veneers are. thinking there was a problem and therefore a solution to said problem – it took over my mind and life! i wanted to work to save up for it, no matter what it would have cost (about 1k per tooth). even though i’d have to change it out every decade, i didn’t care. if i could fix it, i’d be happier. and that’s what i believe everyone feels.

then i found the cure to my problem! i learnt to just fucking accept myself. and then, love followed naturally. my frizzy hair, flawed skin, uneven eyes, chunky nose, buck teeth and every other weird thing about my body, they were no longer flaws. they were and still are, just me.

fact is, we are ALL different. the way we are born, maybe that’s just what we’re meant to be (and experience) this lifetime. however “disadvantaged” we are in whatever way.

the way i see it, every disadvantaged person is actually blessed with the opportunity to inspire. in fact, the more imperfect you are – the more you stand to help the world which actually makes imperfections really beautiful. what good is it being perfect or chasing for a better you? when u fix those flaws in hopes of changing the way people see you, what you’re really screaming at them is that you’re insecure and don’t think you’re good enough. how is that what you want to achieve?

i think the world respects those who respect themselves.

but this society does not focus enough on empowering its people. it does not focus on teaching kids to accept themselves, to love themselves. it does not take the focus away from worshipping a cosmetic idea of beauty. what it does is offer “solutions” to “problems”. that is why i don’t care about celebrities or the world of fashion in all honesty – because they are setting the standards. impossible ones where models starve themselves to death sometimes – and do so knowing that little girls look up to and want to be them.

i used to complain about having no shoes until i saw a man with no feet.

what we are essentially doing is complaining about having no shoes. we know, yet we still do it. pity the people who continue to make excuses for their lives based on “disabilities” they create for themselves. but actually, don’t pity. because at the end of the day, they’re choosing that for themselves. absolutely everyone has it in them to change their own perspectives, and minds.

the way people are doesn’t bother me as much nowadays. i fully accept that things just are, for whatever reason i do not understand yet. i choose to be vocal about my opinions to those who share my sentiments for the most part, but it does affect me greatly when it’s someone i love. always takes a bit of adjusting to.