i’ve come to realize that through life, some feelings never get expressed and then they remain pent up in some form of resentment / hope / expectation. i don’t ever want to be caught in a situation where i have yet to say what i want to and will never get the chance to. so i’m writing letters to the people who mean a lot to me. those who i have loved and hated. to say everything here because the nature of our relationships do not allow for me to verbalize it in person.
i write for myself. for my own peace of mind, laying my feelings out on the table – so i can let go of them once and for all and move forward with less and less baggage. but i also hope that maybe someday the people they’re meant for may come across it and know the truth.
the first one’s for my brother, my first friend.
being here and spending 2 weeks of family time together has reminded me of something I have known all my life. that i love you. i don’t ever remember not loving you through any phase of my life – no matter what ups or down we or our family went through.
as the younger sibling, i know you had moments in which u absolutely hated me. now being wise enough to see it in our stepsisters or other sibling relationships, i get how annoying it must be to have an elder sibling trying to guide you and thinking she knows better – all your life. as we grew up and i became a rebellious teenager first, it must have been hard for you to ever understand my personal struggles or the point i was at in life. it must have been confusing, upsetting and disappointing for you to know that i made choices you would have never seen yourself making. and because i moved out before we could become adults together, we never really got the chance to better the broken relationship we had. i don’t blame you for hating me. or not wanting me to be a part of your life. i get it.
i just wonder sometimes if u realize how much i have loved you forever? once, when mummy was video taping, i explained very seriously as best as i could in hokkien to ahma that “i have to take care of you, because if i don’t, who else will?” i was 4 then. my feelings have never changed. as an elder sibling, life must have been very different from my end. i may not have known exact rights from wrongs growing up, or the full affects of my influence on you, but i was always trying to guide you down the path i thought would be fun. always hoping you would enjoy doing things with me, and therefore love me more. or at least want to be around me. i even got to know that one girlfriend that i couldn’t stand because she was your girlfriend and that was my responsibility as your sister. i didn’t know that’s not what u wanted. i was always just trying to find ways to make our relationship better, or to show u that i loved you so that you would love me back.
sometimes i feel you think i hate-love you as much as you hate-love me and i don’t really get to tell you that i don’t hate you because you’re not my sister. you’re a boy and we just don’t have emotional sharing moments. do you know that i have never actually hated you at all?
in form 6, despite being a founding member of my own school’s drama team, i teamed up with you (and your school) – not because i ever thought we had a chance of winning – but because i wanted to share that experience with you and actively be a part of your highschool life. i took criticism and ignored being called a “traitor” because honestly, who cares about what anyone said when the reward was us getting to do something together?
when you had your accident and was stuck in a hospital bed hooked up to all sorts of scary tubes and almost died, i was there to feed you fruit and scratch your nose when it itched. i was happy in those moments because for the first and probably only time in our more adult lives, i felt you needing me and i could be there for you. of course i was happier to see you walk out alive!
sometimes i force myself to forget how much i really love you. i try to ignore it because when i do think of it, i get a little sad. i will always wish you would like for me to be a part of your life. i will always think of wanting to get you presents, doing you favors, sharing what I’ve learnt with you, calling you randomly to catch up, hanging out. but i know that ship is not at the dock right now. i will always try as much as i can to give you reasons to love me back, but you and i are different and my ways might never be good enough for you. so i do accept that this could be how we remain for the rest of our lives – connected but not close. i don’t think the hope for more will ever not be in the back of my mind but that’s okay, because as long as you’re happy and i still have a brother, what more can i ask for.
