my brother, my first friend.

i’ve come to realize that through life, some feelings never get expressed and then they remain pent up in some form of resentment / hope / expectation. i don’t ever want to be caught in a situation where i have yet to say what i want to and will never get the chance to. so i’m writing letters to the people who mean a lot to me. those who i have loved and hated. to say everything here because the nature of our relationships do not allow for me to verbalize it in person.

i write for myself. for my own peace of mind, laying my feelings out on the table – so i can let go of them once and for all and move forward with less and less baggage. but i also hope that maybe someday the people they’re meant for may come across it and know the truth.

the first one’s for my brother, my first friend.

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being here and spending 2 weeks of family time together has reminded me of something I have known all my life. that i love you. i don’t ever remember not loving you through any phase of my life – no matter what ups or down we or our family went through.

as the younger sibling, i know you had moments in which u absolutely hated me. now being wise enough to see it in our stepsisters or other sibling relationships, i get how annoying it must be to have an elder sibling trying to guide you and thinking she knows better – all your life. as we grew up and i became a rebellious teenager first, it must have been hard for you to ever understand my personal struggles or the point i was at in life. it must have been confusing, upsetting and disappointing for you to know that i made choices you would have never seen yourself making. and because i moved out before we could become adults together, we never really got the chance to better the broken relationship we had. i don’t blame you for hating me. or not wanting me to be a part of your life. i get it.

i just wonder sometimes if u realize how much i have loved you forever? once, when mummy was video taping, i explained very seriously as best as i could in hokkien to ahma that “i have to take care of you, because if i don’t, who else will?” i was 4 then. my feelings have never changed. as an elder sibling, life must have been very different from my end. i may not have known exact rights from wrongs growing up, or the full affects of my influence on you, but i was always trying to guide you down the path i thought would be fun. always hoping you would enjoy doing things with me, and therefore love me more. or at least want to be around me. i even got to know that one girlfriend that i couldn’t stand because she was your girlfriend and that was my responsibility as your sister. i didn’t know that’s not what u wanted. i was always just trying to find ways to make our relationship better, or to show u that i loved you so that you would love me back.

sometimes i feel you think i hate-love you as much as you hate-love me and i don’t really get to tell you that i don’t hate you because you’re not my sister. you’re a boy and we just don’t have emotional sharing moments. do you know that i have never actually hated you at all?

in form 6, despite being a founding member of my own school’s drama team, i teamed up with you (and your school) – not because i ever thought we had a chance of winning – but because i wanted to share that experience with you and actively be a part of your highschool life. i took criticism and ignored being called a “traitor” because honestly, who cares about what anyone said when the reward was us getting to do something together?

when you had your accident and was stuck in a hospital bed hooked up to all sorts of scary tubes and almost died, i was there to feed you fruit and scratch your nose when it itched. i was happy in those moments because for the first and probably only time in our more adult lives, i felt you needing me and i could be there for you. of course i was happier to see you walk out alive!

sometimes i force myself to forget how much i really love you. i try to ignore it because when i do think of it, i get a little sad. i will always wish you would like for me to be a part of your life. i will always think of wanting to get you presents, doing you favors, sharing what I’ve learnt with you, calling you randomly to catch up, hanging out. but i know that ship is not at the dock right now. i will always try as much as i can to give you reasons to love me back, but you and i are different and my ways might never be good enough for you. so i do accept that this could be how we remain for the rest of our lives – connected but not close. i don’t think the hope for more will ever not be in the back of my mind but that’s okay, because as long as you’re happy and i still have a brother, what more can i ask for.

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