this crippling pain

nobody really likes to talk about real pain. or maybe nobody really likes to hear about real pain. so conversations like those – they’re rare. people want to share the happy, the good. because that’s easy. and when the bad is let out, more often than not it’s a reaction to pain that gets verbalised. disappointment, hardships, anger. but what about real pain? pain that logically everyone understands, but is so uncomfortable to discuss. and on the rare occasion that someone decides to be real about hurting, what do you then say? can you really comfort a person? change how they feel? and if you manage to, how much does it really matter? can you take someone’s pain away? or is it a constant cycle of sharing and comforting until the pain goes away? would you get tired? tired of holding someone else up. tired of caring when you have your own share of pain.

for over a year now, i have been in pain. i wouldn’t really say it’s an emotional pain, but then again, i would. i live a really great life filled with really great people. and even though it took a while for everything to take shape, i’d say my life as a whole has been pretty perfect. i have love, acceptance and freedom which = happiness to me. so how then could anything make me hurt so bad? about a year ago, i started getting little episodes where the right side of my body (or nerves) would pull tight til it hurt so much that my heart was racing and i rushed to the hospital a couple of times. but it would normally only last a few hours and by the time a doctor saw me, he’d say that it was probably just my muscle being strained. even though i know my own body, and i know what a muscle strain is. so i went back to the hospital on normal days to try to get something sorted (despite completely hating hospitals) and they kept half ignoring me, not being bothered because yes, it wasn’t too serious and i was clearly not dying. until i gave up on getting medical treatment for it.

it’s something i wake up to everyday now. not so bad that i’m in tears, but it’s a dull, aching pull and the left and right side of my body feel like…well they don’t feel like the same body. i have used this pain for the better, to motivate myself so much so that i now have really healthy eating and sleeping habits, and do yoga on a daily basis. i believe bad things are never just bad. everything happens for a reason and if i push through pain in a good way to benefit myself or those around me, the pain itself stops being a bad thing.

but fact is, the pain is still there. it is still there because general hospitals doesn’t take you seriously unless you are dying, private hospitals are unnecessarily expensive and i am under my own care, not anyone elses. so maybe we try a more traditional approach and look for one of those chinese acupuncture places and hope they find a nerve that is pinched or twisted and make everything go away. but there’s no certainty there. if i believed that anyone could fix it with absolute certainty, i would already have it fixed by now.

the real pain though, is in how crippling something like this has been for me. i create art. it is my soul, the one thing i do that truly makes me happy. and what makes me special isn’t my brilliant talent. what makes me special is my extreme dedication and relentlessness in finishing complicated pieces. and i’ve only just started to make real art. but now, i work through the pain, and i have to put down the pen (or brush). i have to spend more time taking breaks than on finishing my pieces. i aim lower because the level of details i’m actually capable of putting in to my work, i just can’t do that right now.  i feel crippled. and that’s real pain. even though on the surface i look happy and healthy and capable of doing all sorts of things (which i am), everyday it hurts. it hurts to not be able to do the one thing i’ve fallen in love with.

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i decided a while back, this is the life i’m meant to live. i spent years trying to find my place in life. all sorts of artistic outlets, partying because it’s supposed to be “fun”, trying to work different jobs, making money to have a “better” life. nothing has made me as happy as i am – sitting here in my simple, natural life – just creating art. it truly is a symbiotic relationship. because we have removed unnecessary desires, i can choose not to have a day job and then have all the time i need to create. and creating gives me something real to do with my time (since i don’t have all the money to do anything that well, costs money).

what do you do when you can’t do what you want to?

i guess life is still pretty perfect for me. i am still happy. mainly, with myself. i walk a path that i fully believe in and that’s more than most people can say. so what’s a little disability? nothing, absolutely nothing on a larger scale. so i don’t complain. not outwardly. to the rest of the world, everything is and has always been great. because i know others who are faced with way worse to deal with than me. but the pain does exist, and it is real to me at least. and sometimes i wish it’d just go away. that someone, something would just take it away so i can feel like myself again.

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