today i imported my old posts over to this blog.
when i switched over to thecolourrainbow, i wanted a “fresh” start because it felt like a new chapter of my life, and it has been. but i realized that’s no reason to throw away the old. there is nothing in my past i need to erase. it just is what it is.
i removed what i felt i didn’t want to look back on or be reminded of and along with that went all the beautiful memories i obviously wanted to hold on to. truth is that for anything ugly or painful that’s happened in my life, there have been a hundred beautiful moments in between.
i initially wanted to be selective of what got transferred over, but i ended up with everything here. i realised nothing made sense all choppy that way. when pieced together – all the good and bad – only then would it tell the story of my life. well that and the fact that i had over 500 posts and just didn’t want to waste that much time sorting through all of it. (which means any links on posts before 2013 will most likely not work)
everyone holds on to memories in their own way. maybe some may feel it’s silly to have everything just put out there for the world to see, but my blog has been an extension of the space in my head for a really long time. i have always held on to memories/thoughts/feelings whether i want to or not. i discovered when i started writing that it allows me to let quite a lot of things go because i know it will never be lost – clearing space up for more important matters of the present. and that way i could stay light and grow faster, instead of feeling pinned down by the accumulation of experiences and everything i have related to in the past.
and i guess i choose to leave it out in the open because i don’t feel there’s anything in my life to be private or ashamed about. i have stumbled, made stupid choices, been angry, upset, disappointed, hurt, i’ve cut and i’ve cried but then each and every time, i recovered to see the beauty in all the things that got me down in the first place – learnt some lessons and grew stronger. it took me a long time to get to a place (within myself) where i feel stable and sane. yet, that doesn’t guarantee i will never fall again.
too many people think they are alone when they are not.
when i started 5 and a half years ago, i told myself that if reaching out touches someone’s life even if just for a moment, the self inflicted lack of privacy would be worth it, and i would share for as long as i can. by now it’s a habit. but not one of those bad ones that i’m trying to work through.