Monthly Archives: April 2014

that four lettered word

every day i count the many blessings i have in my life. after many years of pushing myself in a steady direction of pain and growth, i have really reached a point where i can say with absolute certainty, in this moment, for better or for worse, i know who i am.

it is such a liberating feeling to not be confused or uncertain. to not have to worry about what anyone else thinks or wants from me anymore because i know the path i’m on. it may not be perfect, but it is a good path and as long as i stay on it and continue being the best me i can be in any moment, i know i will keep pulling myself in a positive direction.

i am lucky every moment of every day to have a partner who shares my vision in life. to be the very best version of himself at all times too. it has been a painful, traumatic journey, but we always pull through and come out on the other end stronger, wiser and more in love than ever. together we have lost friends, family, regained family, been thrown out into the world having to make a home of our own, dropped below the poverty line, worked and saved our way out of it, started a business together, slowly collected the essentials we want/need for ourselves, finally find a home, have no choice but to leave that home…and here we are. still moving forward. still in love. still happy.

we never wanted easy. some people may not understand why we choose the path we choose instead of going for what’s safe and convenient. but everything we have been through was exactly what we asked for. and as tests, we aced each and every one of them, together.

my safety net is the handful of people in my life who are so beautiful and full of understanding and love, to accept and love me for who i am. i really am happiest in solitude and don’t have many friends at all, but the friends that i do, boy are they special.

over the years, i have come to realise that i am a quirky little weirdo that does not function the way most people do here – leaving me feeling alienated in almost all social situations because 1. i was raised speaking english and only speak english and that automatically reduces the comfort level for me and people i’m around when they have a different native tongue, and that’s a lot of people in malaysia 2. i communicate differently because my parents talked to me a LOT (still do) and i was raised to use words, to be expressive, instead of keeping it simple, short and light like the general malaysian attitude 3. i want to talk about deeper things, like human experiences and have playful debates over different opinions 4. my humour shines best when i know a person well or through sarcasm and wit, which not everyone gets.

all those things above mean that i am not a very entertaining warm person, so people don’t know exactly what to talk to me about or want to and vice versa. only once in a blue moon do i meet a person whom i can connect with, where conversations just flow and everything’s easy.

those people, the people who take the time to understand the person i really am beneath all the rumors and misunderstanding, i say they are special because i can only imagine how hard it is to see past expectations and preconceptions of what a friend or person should be.

i am a little boring, awkward, quiet unless spoken to, painfully honest, strong willed, obsessive by nature but everything i do, i do with the purest of intentions, constantly trying to understand the people i am around – how they function, how they think, how they feel. because the only thing i am good for i believe is love. i really can and do love with all of my heart. no pain, betrayal or judgement has ever stopped me from getting right back up and loving harder. and when i love a person, i would do anything in my capability to be a constant positive force in their lives to get them to where they want to be. to uplift and strengthen. so everyone gets a little reminder every now and then to hold on to their happy thoughts, keep their heads up, dreams high and not let the rest of the world get to them.


i am so grateful to have found love in many different ways and places.

so lucky to have so much of the one thing that really, truly matters.

sincere ignorance

i write one last time about this because everything else is cleared away from my mind and i realise this is the last thing floating around. i’m really glad my mind works in a way where things that are dealt with, can be put to rest and all is good after.

i have come to find that my greatest pet peeve is ignorance. anger, pain, frustration – i understand and accept. but i think i’ve said before i do not get how some people can choose to remain ignorant, when there is always room for growth, however slow it is.

after everything you have said, you have proven to be the most ignorant person i’ve crossed paths with in a long time. when you said –

“Today, I found out how understanding and loving xxxxxx is. When I told him that you wanted us out, he was very upset. Because we told him that the house is his, and he really loved the place.

He waited with me patiently in the playground through the hot fucking sun and the chilly rain as we waited for xxxx to pack our stuffs. We ate in the playground. We had to stay constipated because of you, coz you threw us out the first thing in the morning. And then I saw this loving side of this kid again when he pissed in his pants and xxxx had to run to the playground with xxxxxx’s pants and xxxxxx said “xxxx love me la”. This is family, and this is love. Oh, there’s more.

By the time we unloaded all the things (we had to go up 3 flights of stairs for uncountable times), it was already 11pm. xxxxxx helped a little, and then he stayed at home and guarded the house. Each time I came back, he asked “finished already ah”. The last round I made, when I told him I’m finished, only then he opened his mouth to say that he’s hungry. He was so fucking understanding. He knew that we had to do it and finish it coz otherwise things will get stolen.”

first of all, i told you to get out immediately because you told us you were going to leave in the first place. it was already the end of the month, you had no plans on staying, and i had no desire to give you one extra month to hang around unwelcome in our space.

“But guess what control freak, even us leaving today was not because you asked us to. We already planned to leave”

so you did. and you choose to tell your son that it’s us that wanted you out, not that you gave up on wanting to make this happen. so…he would blame us, and not you? that’s alright. i don’t mind taking one for the team so your son can see you in better light.

then let me get this straight, you forced your son to wait in the “hot fucking sun and the chilly rain” and eat in the playground and stay constipated and then piss himself when you had the car, which could have easily taken you to one of the many restaurants nearby or petrol station, or even back to your place to wait if you wanted to. and then you forget to feed him until you are done moving, instead of just knowing it’s feeding time, take a short break, feed him and then get back to moving? but of course he’s alright with it. i know that’s just one of the many times you’ve forgotten to feed him, isn’t it?

now i KNOW your son is a brilliant little trooper. i’ve known that since day 1. everyone knows how special he is. never thought otherwise. sad that you say you only found out that day :( because you can’t blame us for what you did to him there. everything else you have to say to me, i accept as your opinion and your view of me/us. fair enough. we’re adults, we can handle each other.

but nothing excuses you not being a responsible mother. and i can’t do anything about it, but you really shouldn’t be blaming your bad parenting skills on us and saying we made you do anything. sorry to break it to you, but with everything that happened, you could have taken him to a restaurant or back to your place, fed him there and let him use the bathroom – you know, if him suffering was really one of your concerns. you made that bad choice for him.

sorry, we did let your partner do the packing, we just didn’t want your screaming ass anywhere near our house. also sorry way past afternoon is your “morning”. wake up earlier with your kid then, instead of having him wait and wake you up every morning.

i don’t know what you hope to get across by saying “this is family, and this is love”. your son is love. you are not. because all i have seen the entire time i’ve known you is your selfishness to pay more attention to yourself, and irresponsibility in taking care of your son. thank you but no thank you, that is not what being a mum, family or love is to me.

but of course, you being who you are – the version you play in your head where what you chose to do to your kid is our fault, that will never change, will it? oh well.

i’m putting all of this to rest now.
someday it’ll be a distant memory in my head, like everything else. all part of life’s necessary ups and downs to get us to where we ultimately want to be.

thank you for anything beautiful you added to our lives, nothing – not even the ugliest of ugly takes away the beauty anyone brings to the table. i’m not sorry you were a part of our life. i’m not sorry this happened. now let us all just grow from this experience.


the truth is that the problem is not the problem. the problem is your attitude about the problem.

and that applies to everyone and every situation we face, doesn’t it?

i sit here this time, not feeling angry. not upset. not hating. not wishing ill.
i sit here feeling sad. sad that we kinda lost a friend because his partner was not on the same page as the rest of us. i’m sad that despite trying to talk to them, her excuses in not knowing how to talk to us and at the same time attitude towards anything we brought up got in the way of something that would have otherwise, worked.

we know our friend, we could always live with him. he wanted to live with us. that was always the plan. and we already did in the past. there were never any issues. any discussions we had, he himself called them uplifting. because sometimes it’s good to discuss things that no one wants to talk about. as long as we focus on how much we can be better, how much we can help each other, how much we care. what’s so wrong about that? he thanked us for helping him realise that he needs to allow himself to communicate and express feelings so they don’t become pent up frustration or hurt. just as we thanked him for being there for us. him, we knew how to deal with.

but you can’t just choose to live with a person and ban them from including their partner. i know personally the strain in puts on a relationship for people to not accept you together. you have to accept pairs as a package. whether you want to or not, it’s someone elses choice. not yours. because it’s awfully terrible to say i love you, but i don’t know the person you are with so i don’t want to care about him/her. i choose to love first, because if i love a person, by extension, i love the people they love too.

her though, despite me telling her directly that i do not know her well enough for me to want to say anything to her. and that she should be smart and stay out of any conversation unless she was ready to get involved, because he was our friend, and she was new. she still chose to open her mouth. when she did, all i said to her was please don’t get involved. i don’t know you well enough and we could either be best friends or hate each other, so lets try to make sure it goes in the positive direction. again she opened her mouth. and even worse, gave us attitude.

i know we brought up some guidelines to follow such as put off your lights when you’re out. put things back where you take them from so things don’t get lost. the tv (which is a gift from my dad and very precious to me) is for the adults to watch or for educational kids stuff, not cartoons every day. check with us first before bringing guests over so everyone is alright with it. and everything applied to all of us, not just them. to me i guess, every home functions a certain way. we were merely telling them how we wanted things to be like in our home.

he agreed, and actually didn’t have a problem with it once he talked to us. but she didn’t know how to. and then she kept grudges. and said she was “selamba” or chill. but then exploded with attitude in our faces. so i guess what i wanted was too much of a struggle for her to maintain. that to her, i was uptight and demanding. which i know to some degree, i definitely am. but this was supposed to be a home. a family home. where we worked out kinks so we could all function together. which we spoke to him about before even deciding to move in together. like i said, she just wasn’t on the same page.

she was playing by her own rules and demands. she would get angry, he would not know how to explain things to her and we didn’t know her well or long enough to know how to get through her walls. so i suppose that’s where we all failed. we failed to realise that this 4th element we included was a wild one, that had no plans on taming herself down for the common goal.

that is why the problem is not the problem. the problem is your attitude about the problem. because any issue can be worked through, if all parties are willing to deal with it together rationally. without emotional instability getting in the way.

it is so painful to have to find another home now because i’ve already fallen in love with this place. this was supposed to be a 2 year contract, at least. something i could pour my heart and soul into. and now we have to leave. the house is too costly and huge for just the 2 of us and when we asked multiple times (before asking them to leave) if they wanted to stay and work through this, she wanted to just leave. they backed out of a 2 year contract coz shit got real.

but what’s more painful is that no matter how many times my stubborn annoying head replays everything that happened, i couldn’t have and still cannot do anything to hold on to a friendship that meant a lot to us. like i said, him we could deal with and never faced any issues. but a woman can make or break a man (and vice versa).

it really sucks to lose a close friend. as if i have that many in my life to be alright with losing one in the first place. i thought i was done with having to deal with emotionally immature women. i have chosen my friends very wisely and thoroughly enjoy the company of all the people i have kept close to my heart. my life is drama free and comfortably mundane. i guess i didn’t take into consideration the women the men in my life choose to be with. maybe next time i’ll take the cold, wary approach and keep them out until they earn their space in my life. that must be why people do it to me. lesson learnt.