sincere ignorance

i write one last time about this because everything else is cleared away from my mind and i realise this is the last thing floating around. i’m really glad my mind works in a way where things that are dealt with, can be put to rest and all is good after.

i have come to find that my greatest pet peeve is ignorance. anger, pain, frustration – i understand and accept. but i think i’ve said before i do not get how some people can choose to remain ignorant, when there is always room for growth, however slow it is.

after everything you have said, you have proven to be the most ignorant person i’ve crossed paths with in a long time. when you said –

“Today, I found out how understanding and loving xxxxxx is. When I told him that you wanted us out, he was very upset. Because we told him that the house is his, and he really loved the place.

He waited with me patiently in the playground through the hot fucking sun and the chilly rain as we waited for xxxx to pack our stuffs. We ate in the playground. We had to stay constipated because of you, coz you threw us out the first thing in the morning. And then I saw this loving side of this kid again when he pissed in his pants and xxxx had to run to the playground with xxxxxx’s pants and xxxxxx said “xxxx love me la”. This is family, and this is love. Oh, there’s more.

By the time we unloaded all the things (we had to go up 3 flights of stairs for uncountable times), it was already 11pm. xxxxxx helped a little, and then he stayed at home and guarded the house. Each time I came back, he asked “finished already ah”. The last round I made, when I told him I’m finished, only then he opened his mouth to say that he’s hungry. He was so fucking understanding. He knew that we had to do it and finish it coz otherwise things will get stolen.”

first of all, i told you to get out immediately because you told us you were going to leave in the first place. it was already the end of the month, you had no plans on staying, and i had no desire to give you one extra month to hang around unwelcome in our space.

“But guess what control freak, even us leaving today was not because you asked us to. We already planned to leave”

so you did. and you choose to tell your son that it’s us that wanted you out, not that you gave up on wanting to make this happen. so…he would blame us, and not you? that’s alright. i don’t mind taking one for the team so your son can see you in better light.

then let me get this straight, you forced your son to wait in the “hot fucking sun and the chilly rain” and eat in the playground and stay constipated and then piss himself when you had the car, which could have easily taken you to one of the many restaurants nearby or petrol station, or even back to your place to wait if you wanted to. and then you forget to feed him until you are done moving, instead of just knowing it’s feeding time, take a short break, feed him and then get back to moving? but of course he’s alright with it. i know that’s just one of the many times you’ve forgotten to feed him, isn’t it?

now i KNOW your son is a brilliant little trooper. i’ve known that since day 1. everyone knows how special he is. never thought otherwise. sad that you say you only found out that day :( because you can’t blame us for what you did to him there. everything else you have to say to me, i accept as your opinion and your view of me/us. fair enough. we’re adults, we can handle each other.

but nothing excuses you not being a responsible mother. and i can’t do anything about it, but you really shouldn’t be blaming your bad parenting skills on us and saying we made you do anything. sorry to break it to you, but with everything that happened, you could have taken him to a restaurant or back to your place, fed him there and let him use the bathroom – you know, if him suffering was really one of your concerns. you made that bad choice for him.

sorry, we did let your partner do the packing, we just didn’t want your screaming ass anywhere near our house. also sorry way past afternoon is your “morning”. wake up earlier with your kid then, instead of having him wait and wake you up every morning.

i don’t know what you hope to get across by saying “this is family, and this is love”. your son is love. you are not. because all i have seen the entire time i’ve known you is your selfishness to pay more attention to yourself, and irresponsibility in taking care of your son. thank you but no thank you, that is not what being a mum, family or love is to me.

but of course, you being who you are – the version you play in your head where what you chose to do to your kid is our fault, that will never change, will it? oh well.

i’m putting all of this to rest now.
someday it’ll be a distant memory in my head, like everything else. all part of life’s necessary ups and downs to get us to where we ultimately want to be.

thank you for anything beautiful you added to our lives, nothing – not even the ugliest of ugly takes away the beauty anyone brings to the table. i’m not sorry you were a part of our life. i’m not sorry this happened. now let us all just grow from this experience.

paint my page

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