that four lettered word

every day i count the many blessings i have in my life. after many years of pushing myself in a steady direction of pain and growth, i have really reached a point where i can say with absolute certainty, in this moment, for better or for worse, i know who i am.

it is such a liberating feeling to not be confused or uncertain. to not have to worry about what anyone else thinks or wants from me anymore because i know the path i’m on. it may not be perfect, but it is a good path and as long as i stay on it and continue being the best me i can be in any moment, i know i will keep pulling myself in a positive direction.

i am lucky every moment of every day to have a partner who shares my vision in life. to be the very best version of himself at all times too. it has been a painful, traumatic journey, but we always pull through and come out on the other end stronger, wiser and more in love than ever. together we have lost friends, family, regained family, been thrown out into the world having to make a home of our own, dropped below the poverty line, worked and saved our way out of it, started a business together, slowly collected the essentials we want/need for ourselves, finally find a home, have no choice but to leave that home…and here we are. still moving forward. still in love. still happy.

we never wanted easy. some people may not understand why we choose the path we choose instead of going for what’s safe and convenient. but everything we have been through was exactly what we asked for. and as tests, we aced each and every one of them, together.

my safety net is the handful of people in my life who are so beautiful and full of understanding and love, to accept and love me for who i am. i really am happiest in solitude and don’t have many friends at all, but the friends that i do, boy are they special.

over the years, i have come to realise that i am a quirky little weirdo that does not function the way most people do here – leaving me feeling alienated in almost all social situations because 1. i was raised speaking english and only speak english and that automatically reduces the comfort level for me and people i’m around when they have a different native tongue, and that’s a lot of people in malaysia 2. i communicate differently because my parents talked to me a LOT (still do) and i was raised to use words, to be expressive, instead of keeping it simple, short and light like the general malaysian attitude 3. i want to talk about deeper things, like human experiences and have playful debates over different opinions 4. my humour shines best when i know a person well or through sarcasm and wit, which not everyone gets.

all those things above mean that i am not a very entertaining warm person, so people don’t know exactly what to talk to me about or want to and vice versa. only once in a blue moon do i meet a person whom i can connect with, where conversations just flow and everything’s easy.

those people, the people who take the time to understand the person i really am beneath all the rumors and misunderstanding, i say they are special because i can only imagine how hard it is to see past expectations and preconceptions of what a friend or person should be.

i am a little boring, awkward, quiet unless spoken to, painfully honest, strong willed, obsessive by nature but everything i do, i do with the purest of intentions, constantly trying to understand the people i am around – how they function, how they think, how they feel. because the only thing i am good for i believe is love. i really can and do love with all of my heart. no pain, betrayal or judgement has ever stopped me from getting right back up and loving harder. and when i love a person, i would do anything in my capability to be a constant positive force in their lives to get them to where they want to be. to uplift and strengthen. so everyone gets a little reminder every now and then to hold on to their happy thoughts, keep their heads up, dreams high and not let the rest of the world get to them.


i am so grateful to have found love in many different ways and places.

so lucky to have so much of the one thing that really, truly matters.

2 thoughts on “that four lettered word

  1. notnowbreezy says:

    Hey!! Loved this post! I just nominated you for the Liebster Award! Stay awesome!

  2. sgrmse. says:

    thanks for the very lovely comment you left me, darling rainbow (‘:

    you’re the sweetest.

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