Monthly Archives: May 2014


is it just me? or do people seem to get more and more defeated by life as we all get older? my generation of people are now in their 20s, and finally understanding what it’s like to become part of the adult world. i have noticed so many people expressing their dissatisfaction with a dead end job, or one they don’t even enjoy doing, complaining about stress – but that’s all they do. they don’t seem to want to get out of those situations. they just put up with it, and be unsatisfied.

where was it said that we have to just get with the program and do what we are expected/told to do, to survive? did i not get a memo on that? is it naive to believe that we can do what we are passionate about in life, and still live?

it must come down to money. it always does. everyone thinking that we need money to be happy, to buy things, to go places, to enjoy life – which makes jobs our lifelines. our only means to survive, at such a young age.

no i don’t think that money has no importance in this world. i wish it didn’t, but we can’t change the situation we were born into, and it does. but i find it funny when some friends express their dissatisfaction and obvious desire to be free, then tell me that i’m lucky or they wish they could just have it easy like me. because i haven’t worked for anyone but myself in 4 years, work stress is non-existent to me but yet i seem to be able to buy things and go places.

but i don’t exactly buy things. not anything i don’t absolutely need. i survive because i live extremely thriftily. you know that new phone or cool gadget that just came out? i don’t. how about the latest brands or trends in fashion? i don’t. you’d have to tell me which make up or beauty care products are any good too, coz i definitely don’t know that either. and that’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to things i don’t keep up with anymore.

i used to care so much. too much. and many years of whatever hard earned income i had went into a lifestyle that brought me no good or benefit. i spent way too much on going out, meeting people, partying, buying alcoholic beverages, having fancy meals, going on shopping sprees, holidays. but the satisfaction i got from any of that hardly lasted at all. they were temporary fixes, but never actually fixed anything. it was a lifestyle that had to be maintained at all costs, or the fun i was having would just stop. i wouldn’t be able to afford anything, and then what would i do? how would i enjoy myself? how would i be happy?

that is why i set myself free. i am lucky. lucky to have had all my fun at a very young age and learn my lesson right after, with more than enough time to make a 180 turn for the better, before my life truly began. i also earned my right to do what i enjoy doing and not be stressed out. my partner and i budget our expenses and save some for rainy days, not spending more than we should on anything that we don’t actually need while taking risks with business opportunities to find something we really love doing that will bring in a long term income so we can plan towards buying a land and being self sustainable to give our children (and parents in their old age) a healthy life closer to nature where money and stress isn’t everything anymore.

you can call me naive, but i know there is much more to life than just working a job to make a “living”. working days and hours that leave me with not enough time to spend with people i love, travel or work on skills and hobbies. money to go on pointless shopping sprees to reward myself and make up for the dissatisfaction. “stability” that enables me to get a loan to buy a house that i barely spend time in, and a car to get me to the wretched job that would be responsible of keeping me from truly living in the first place.

it’s all a big loop to me. where is the end? i see people of our elder generations – having lived their lives the way they were expected to – worrying about retirement and where they go after. worrying because whatever money they’ve made is still not enough to take care of everyone’s evergrowing needs. what’s really scary though, is that i see them unhappy. what good is monetary income and material wealth when our elder generations, 20 – 30 – 40 years ahead of us have in many ways achieved all of that, and aren’t happy yet.

we think we put up with work and all it’s torture in the now, so we can save enough – and then live the lives we wanna live. but if we don’t really think about the decisions we’re making, one thing just leads to another and before we know it, we are 70, with the best years of our health and lives behind us – then only realising there were so many things we wish we did different. it’s the someday syndrome. someday i will quit my job. someday i will spend more time with my family. someday i will travel with my friends. someday this, someday that. and then, that someday never happens.

39so to anyone with passion that i happen to cross paths with who is stuck in a situation that makes them unhappy, i try to say the same one thing. chase that passion now. follow your rainbow. even if it’s risky and isn’t what others expect of you – just do it. because we should, before more time is wasted doing what we don’t want to do. whatever age we are at now, we don’t gain any time by waiting a little longer. we shouldn’t let money be our sole guide in the now, especially if we are young! while we have the space to find what we want to do, we shouldn’t tie ourselves down to loans and job commitments. we owe it to ourselves to discover what makes us feel fulfilled, and from there – work on making a living from it. you can use your income to shop and travel all you want now, but if the reality that you go back to is something that’s not satisfactory, no amount of escapism is going to change that.

free yourself first. it takes effort and sacrifices, but the freedom is certainly well worth the trouble.


i used to be such an angry person. angry at the world for being so ugly. angry at life for everything it put me through. angry at the people around me who didn’t understand what was happening. angry at the people who caused me all that pain and grief.

you see, i have experienced just about everything any parent wouldn’t want their child to. abuse. divorce. running away. partying. drugs. sex. cutting. poverty. stealing. i’ve been cheated on. lied to. abandoned. “dumped”. attacked. threatened. ignored.

left feeling completely and utterly invisible on countless occasions.

it is so hard to not play the victim. to not feel victimized by people’s actions and choices. i blamed everyone for doing to me what i didn’t ask for. but the thing is, maybe i did – ask for it. maybe i made the choice to break expectations, challenge the norm and disappoint everyone along the way. i didn’t know what i was searching for but i was very obviously searching. i chose to let myself hurt, i went looking for pain. i didn’t in any moment of those many long years think that i was walking down a safe path but i sure as hell knew i had a destination to reach.

i allowed myself to go through hell and back because i was looking for my strength. it wasn’t something someone could just hand over to me. haha. if only it were that easy. and it’s not something a person gains by staying on the safer path. i got banged up and scratched pretty bad, hit my rock bottom, then taught myself to heal.

and then i forgave. i forgave everyone that ever did anything “wrong” to me because there was nothing to forgive in the first place. i let go of all the anger. all the pain. all the opportunities missed and time lost. i can never forget, but what i remember of my past now feels like a story. how is it possible that i was really there in all of those places and not feel that pain anymore? how is it that i no longer understand the anger i felt towards others …because all i am now is entertained and thankful.

everything i’ve been through has taught me that we are responsible of the things that “happen” to us. who we choose to be and how we choose to react determines the lens through which we perceive an experience. when we complain and say that we are miserable and don’t have a choice, we are lying. because there always is a choice. and even when it’s unexpected, we shouldn’t look at it as something that’s being done to us because every error is just a chance for us to grow. and what’s so scary about pain when we know that time (and self love) heals all wounds. everyone can heal, why should people still choose to hold on to anger and hatred? choose to feel wronged, betrayed. victimized. there really is no point in holding on to a grudge any longer than you have to, is there?

maybe someday i’d be able to stand still as people do what they do and not even let it get to me one bit. but i’m being real here, not just trying to paint a pretty picture. i have grown a whole lot but i am just not there yet.

i understand that parents worry constantly about their children and what bad influences the world will have on them. but maybe they/we shouldn’t worry so much. i mean, look at me. i was thrown out into the world to fend for myself, did everything that would give a parent multiple heart attacks. and i did not only survive, i am thriving.

you know …sometimes, people with the worst pasts end up creating the best futures :)