i used to be such an angry person. angry at the world for being so ugly. angry at life for everything it put me through. angry at the people around me who didn’t understand what was happening. angry at the people who caused me all that pain and grief.
you see, i have experienced just about everything any parent wouldn’t want their child to. abuse. divorce. running away. partying. drugs. sex. cutting. poverty. stealing. i’ve been cheated on. lied to. abandoned. “dumped”. attacked. threatened. ignored.
left feeling completely and utterly invisible on countless occasions.
it is so hard to not play the victim. to not feel victimized by people’s actions and choices. i blamed everyone for doing to me what i didn’t ask for. but the thing is, maybe i did – ask for it. maybe i made the choice to break expectations, challenge the norm and disappoint everyone along the way. i didn’t know what i was searching for but i was very obviously searching. i chose to let myself hurt, i went looking for pain. i didn’t in any moment of those many long years think that i was walking down a safe path but i sure as hell knew i had a destination to reach.
i allowed myself to go through hell and back because i was looking for my strength. it wasn’t something someone could just hand over to me. haha. if only it were that easy. and it’s not something a person gains by staying on the safer path. i got banged up and scratched pretty bad, hit my rock bottom, then taught myself to heal.
and then i forgave. i forgave everyone that ever did anything “wrong” to me because there was nothing to forgive in the first place. i let go of all the anger. all the pain. all the opportunities missed and time lost. i can never forget, but what i remember of my past now feels like a story. how is it possible that i was really there in all of those places and not feel that pain anymore? how is it that i no longer understand the anger i felt towards others …because all i am now is entertained and thankful.
everything i’ve been through has taught me that we are responsible of the things that “happen” to us. who we choose to be and how we choose to react determines the lens through which we perceive an experience. when we complain and say that we are miserable and don’t have a choice, we are lying. because there always is a choice. and even when it’s unexpected, we shouldn’t look at it as something that’s being done to us because every error is just a chance for us to grow. and what’s so scary about pain when we know that time (and self love) heals all wounds. everyone can heal, why should people still choose to hold on to anger and hatred? choose to feel wronged, betrayed. victimized. there really is no point in holding on to a grudge any longer than you have to, is there?
maybe someday i’d be able to stand still as people do what they do and not even let it get to me one bit. but i’m being real here, not just trying to paint a pretty picture. i have grown a whole lot but i am just not there yet.
i understand that parents worry constantly about their children and what bad influences the world will have on them. but maybe they/we shouldn’t worry so much. i mean, look at me. i was thrown out into the world to fend for myself, did everything that would give a parent multiple heart attacks. and i did not only survive, i am thriving.
you know …sometimes, people with the worst pasts end up creating the best futures :)