Monthly Archives: July 2014

there are so many things people don’t speak of. for fear of judgement or emotional breakdown, i’d imagine.

there are so many things i don’t speak of. that i don’t know how to speak of. that i don’t know who to speak about it to.

why don’t we just share openly? why should sharing change anything we feel about anyone we know? why should it ever be anything more than giving someone the space to set their pent up emotions free.

because the people in my past that hurt me are no less than i was – when i hurt others.

we are all, imperfect beings. we are good. and we are evil.

no one should feel victimized. no one needs to act righteous. there should be no attacking. just being.

and everyone can just be. imperfect as they are. happy as they can be.

no bra life

my body – a woman’s body – is not a sexual object.

i have recently decided to go bra-less. and boy has it been the greatest liberation my body has felt since i quit binge eating mcdonalds and lost that unnecessary weight 3 years ago. it’s strange how i got to this point in life never questioning why i had to wear a bra or whether a bra was really good for me. i just assumed, because everyone else does it, that wearing a bra was just something women did once they hit puberty.

i don’t have naturally perky breasts. they look ordinary, and will sag with time. so i always thought i had to wear a bra, to keep them from sagging. to keep them looking pretty. i treated my own body as a sexual object. why wouldn’t i, when everything i’ve seen, heard and been around has not taught me otherwise? i think a lot of women don’t want to be treated as sexual objects but at the same time treat themselves as exactly that.

since going braless, i realise my breasts and nipples are somewhat offensive and make people uncomfortable. even though i do not ever leave the house in something remotely see through, and always make sure it’s decent, it is very hard to walk out freely in an asian country where people are more reserved. there is a certain unspoken code of decency or conduct, and while i don’t want to be disrespectful of people’s space, i just really want to breathe freely.

it’s amazing how much better my breathing has been since i’ve gone bra-less. even my best fitting bra feels like a constraint now that i’m free 95% of the time. i still put one on if i know i’m going to be in a crowd of people (at this moment, the pasar ramadhans) so i do not offend unnecessarily. i just wish more women understood this and freed themselves too so i wouldn’t stand out, walking around without a bra.

i realise how my back and shoulders ache a little when i use bras for just a little while now. and since freeing myself, my breasts have gained more muscle which hold them up better than when i used to wear a bra all the time. and so what if they sag over time? that’s just nature. there’s nothing wrong with an aging body. it’s hit me so hard how much we try to prevent ourselves from aging, when our age and how we age is nothing to be ashamed of in the first place. why do we covet youth so much that we hate and fear the thought of aging?

i just don’t care anymore. i like this freedom. i like my mind not worrying about what’s naturally happening to my body. it’ll take some getting used to, but it will happen – people will stop feeling uncomfortable about me not caging up my breasts.

my breasts along with everyone elses, are no different from the breasts of animals that hang freely, naturally. they are a means to feed babies, not some sexual object that needs to be covered, hidden, worried about. so everyone just needs to



i believe within all living things there are souls, and all those souls are really one soul, and that one soul is love – our creator. we live because love wanted to understand itself, and the only way to do it was through life. and in wanting to experience it’s own beauty, it inevitably created ugliness. it’s yin and yang. light does not exist without dark, for if there is no dark, we would not know what light is. light would just be, and we would know no different, and there would be no “beauty”. the same goes for good and bad. happiness and pain. love and hate.

so once we decide we’ve learnt enough through all the pain we’ve created, we find others who have too, and unite with them, uniting love, and live on to just appreciate the beauty we now understand.


yesterday, after a good session of yoga, i had one of the best days of my life. it blew my mind how much it was blowing my mind that the life we have and are achieving is exactly what’s grooming us to be the people we truly want to be. that we have steadily weeded out the negatives and unnecessary to the point of it being so clear and peaceful, i don’t know what to do with that peace sometimes. it was beautiful yet somewhat scary because not every day is that great and the part of me that wanted to hold on to how amazing everything felt, didn’t want the day to end. but i knew that can’t ever be the solution, to not fall asleep to prolong a day that will end anyways – whether you want it to or not.

so this morning before i got out of bed, i made the decision on my inside, that i wanted to get out of bed happy. that i wanted to greet the morning with love and excitement. that i didn’t need a reason to feel all of that except for the reason of living life itself. and then i did. and the fear of yesterday’s happiness not being a part of today became irrational because i realised that today is a choice. today is always a choice. and my life = my choice.10509665_10152319719367909_5713736109157314833_ninstead of allowing myself to wake up with concerns about things that need to get done and the people around me, i’m going to just wake up happy. happy to face life with all of it’s ups and downs. happy for everything i have and don’t have. happy to just be alive, because how truly amazing is it that we are here. alive. getting to appreciate the wonders of the world we have been born into and help create with time.

yesterday we pulled over to collect parts of a tree that dried out and was chopped down. we’re collecting all kinds of materials to use in our garden and home. as i sat in the car driving part of the tree trunk back home, from the happy space i was so clearly in, i was almost brought to tears knowing how lucky we are to be able to work with something that nature’s nurtured and provided for us. how lucky to be a part of this world. to exist – something even science cannot explain with absolute certainty.

i choose to trust the unknown. i choose to live in magic. this is a me that was lost for a while, taken down by “the world”…the child that exists in each and every one of us. i choose to let that child roam this world freely and innocently, enchanted by every bit of life. it’s a continuous journey to somewhere i don’t yet know, but it’s okay. i don’t have to know. i can just choose to believe.