yesterday i found out that i have miscarried.
this is all i have to say for now. nothing more, nothing less because this is how i feel.
but i will pull through. i always do. everything’s temporary.
it’s getting more exciting as the days go by – having a baby.
last night i dreamt i brought home a tiny little baby girl. caused a little panic (the good kind) because i’m really hoping for a baby boy first, and have been buying more “gender neutral” stuff for the baby which more often than not means blue-ish stuff because i believe it’s alright for a girl to be in blue, but never a boy to be in pink. they really aren’t too creative with baby colours. i would actually love some brighter colours. maybe some purples and greens.
so i had to rush to make sure i had some pretty little girly things to put her in at least once in a while.
how amazing and magical to get to hold this tiny little baby that was mine. even if for now it’s only in a dream. lol. can’t wait for the actual day to come. crazy dreams seem to be something pregnant women experience in abundance. and apparently it gets crazier as the pregnancy progresses. i wonder what else i’ll be waking up to.
i wonder what people think i’m doing with my life sometimes. the ones whose lives are intertwined with mine. i wonder if they get it. if they see the love. if they see how happy my soul is. i wonder if they think i’m irresponsible, unrealistic, a dreamer, insane.
i think being independent as a 20-something year old is a pretty tough feat to pull off nowadays. i don’t blame anyone for taking it easy and setting themselves up better before stepping out on their own. it’s getting increasingly harder to feel secure, successful in a world where money, quality of life and achievements go hand in hand. and despite what some may think, i completely understand how the world works. i know what i’m supposed to do. i know that every step i’ve taken has been off track, uncertain, against the current.
but i’m still on that path. and it is still by choice.
i started picking up a long time ago on how much people feel like having a child is this huge financial commitment. this thing that ties you down. a burden. i think it is a concern expressed more often by men as men have carried the weight of providing for their family for ages. but now as women have taken to the workplace and handle their own finances, i hear it from them too. endless statements on how much a child costs, what it will keep you from doing, how you should do what you want to and enjoy life before having children.
forgive me for not wanting to see having a family in the conventional way, whatever that is. forgive me for rejecting your perception.
i believe in love. love drives me. love makes everything we go through worth the while. the way i see it is, the more love i have in my life, the more beautiful life will be. everything i get to enjoy now cannot compare to happiness i would feel, getting to share it with this little being, another soul, my child. yes it will be work, but if the work is for something beautiful, it isn’t a burden. i don’t see it as a burden. i don’t get why anyone would insist on seeing it that way. i truly believe perception matters. if i feel my child is a burden, it will be projected onto the child and he/she will feel it. i refuse to have my child feel like anything else but a gift.
no one knows what parenting will be until the moment they’re there – standing in the heart of the fire. it is scary, but fear is nothing next to love. and i trust that love will be enough. i talk a whole lot about love which makes some people think that i believe life will be all rainbow and skittles, leaving me unprepared for real life. but real life, i can handle. there hasn’t been anything that’s been thrown at me (and boy was that a load of crap) that i didn’t take and turn into positive growth. i sincerely know we’re equipped to handle this.
it has taken a while for my husband and i to grow into a good balance of necessary hard work and dedication to our goal of freedom. we are choosing to do this from where we are, and not waiting to get to a “better place” before having a family. this is by choice. not by stupidity, or ignorance, or abandonment of the real world and how it works. we have thought it out, seriously. what would go into raising a child, and how we’d want to do it (uniquely of course). and we’re as prepared as any expecting parent can be. no offence to my parents, but i don’t think they were prepared internally and externally to provide for a family by the standards of normalcy. i still turned out fine. so how “perfect” does the situation really have to be for us to take this step?
the negative people may see it as “uh oh. there goes their life. will they be able to provide for their child? can they even provide for themselves? won’t everything be so much harder when things are already hard?” and insist on correcting our views towards their bleaker outlook on life.
well, to that i say go right ahead. it’s alright if you want to choose to look at our lives through your lens and see what you want to see because it doesn’t shake us. it doesn’t change anything. we still choose to be us.
there are plenty of people who have the right lens on and get what we’re doing, so i’ll just keep those people in my life. it’s just really hard sometimes to remove negativity when the negativity’s coming from family. or some parts of it.
blood is thicker than water, but family isn’t just about blood. family is about faith and loyalty. who you love and treat right. if you don’t have those things, i don’t care what the blood says. you’re not family.
it’s my birthday today!
happy birthday me!
i’m more in love with life now than ever before.
what a truly beautiful feeling this is.
went for my brother in law’s wedding over the weekend. and even though i love my crazy dreads, sometimes i think it needs a little tidying up before i go for a social/public event. my dreads have stopped shrinking now and it can finally start to grow out but as of right now it’s considerably short. wasn’t easy to get it neat, but i managed to pull something off.
our lovely garden is growing now. and quite fast i might add. well, to me at least. sometimes i’m still caught off guard when i look over at the plants and see how big they’ve gotten. we’ve got 16 inch ladies fingers (okra) growing now. and i don’t know if there’s a larger breed of the plant, but they look freakishly long to me. haha.
we’re having fruit yogurt honey chia muesli for breakfast every day. i think it’s brilliant because i’ve been getting more fruits than ever before and having it this way makes it so much more enjoyable. i’m really happy that we’re having all our meals at home now. i wasn’t sure if i was up for the whole cooking thing because cooking was never really that much of an interest. but somehow getting to prepare our own food and the bonus of not having to go out for every meal has made cooking very manageable. in fact, i’m really starting to look forward to it. that’s progress!