the one thing i’ve known all my life with absolute certainty is that love is all i desire. what i didn’t know was the long journey i’d go on before getting to solid ground. to my happily ever after.
it took 8 years, and more than a handful of people to make me realise that love really is a journey. that love isn’t just a tangible, explainable happy feeling all the time. it is a lot of struggle and ultimately a complete willingness to let go of the unnecessary bits of myself that i thought were a part of what made “me”, to be whole and present with myself and stop believing that love was something that existed beyond, instead of within.
i spent a good 6 years on a journey towards my rock bottom. along the way, i wasted my time and self on people whom i allowed into my life out of desperation. i got into relationships because i was on my own, lost and lonely. to escape from my (then) father who was going through a lot and taking it out on me. out of pity (partially for myself too) because someone wanted to love me and i didn’t want to say no. to run from real life by disappearing into dangerous scenes. whatever more you can think of, i probably did it all.
it took a 2 month staycation with my mum and her new family to show me how much i allowed the lack of a family to really affect me and how much i just wanted a home. then getting into the most volatile relationship with the craziest, most loving person i’ve met in my life – to perfectly reflect myself at my best and worst – before i was willing to finally sit down and admit (to myself and then everyone else) how much of a wreck i was.
that was my rock bottom.
i had lost it all. many many years ago before my parents even got divorced, i was already observing. watching their love and my family slowly fall apart. knowing what was happening, wanting different but with no control of the ultimate outcome – one that left me with parents too consumed with their own lives to be there selflessly for me. i was spiraling out of control long before i knew it. but out of the need to survive – to continue living a life on my own with no support, no family, no guidance – i pretended everything was okay.
pretended. yes. because nothing ever was. and all that pretending ever did was blind me to the person i was becoming. with every action i took, there was already a justification in my head – something that talked me into feeling that what i was doing was necessary or right. i refused to stop and see myself, even though everyone else probably could.
it couldn’t have hit any harder. who was this person i was looking at in the mirror? this person i always thought was me. “me” was just a reaction to all the pain and fears i had collected over 2 decades. “me” was rebellion, full of anger and hatred towards the people who hurt me. “me” was an accumulation of lies i told myself to make things okay. “me” was everything but myself, just this little girl who wanted nothing else but to make people happy and be happy in return.
i didn’t want anything more. i didn’t want the partying, the clothes, shoes, make up and hair because no items, money or luxury would have ever been enough to fill this big gaping hole i created in myself and temporarily filled with “stuff”. i just wanted myself back. pure and simple, so i could enjoy the little things in life and not waste anymore time chasing.
every step of my journey since then has been love. and always, love for myself first. not love for my accomplishments or what i have, but love for my journey towards a perfect inner balance of yin and yang. i regularly ask myself now – who am i choosing to be? am i being fair to people and at the same time to myself? am i being genuine, honest and truthful? am i unknowingly holding on to unnecessary ugliness? am i allowing external influences dictate what i perceive to be happiness, love, beauty, purpose or success?
because i refuse to feel “incomplete” anymore. everything i was born to be, my “imperfect” human self with my “imperfect” human life. i am this. and this is whole. love is within me every step of my journey and no one can take that away – my happily ever after.
so life is never going to be what i want it to be. life will play out the way it’s meant to be. all i can do is try at every point to embrace it. the moment i did, everything external changed as if it perfectly mirrored my journey within. now, i am lucky enough to have a child to raise soon (and a few more after that i hope) in a home full of love. to try and fill them with knowledge from all that i have learned. and ultimately teach them to trust their struggle. because all we are here to do really, is experience and love.
i really do hope they grow up feeling whole.