i chose to welcome being pregnant, before the scary first trimester was over and the pregnancy was confirmed. i made the choice to because even if the pregnancy failed (a good amount of miscarriages occur within the first trimester) the journey of transformation and change within would have already been taking place. and it has.
but such is life. that is for better or worse – what makes this journey a real trip. perfection is in the imperfection. once again i am faced with the opportunity to grow, to learn even more how to wholly and purely embrace the universe. removing expectations of outcomes that sometimes are not the slightest bit in my control, no matter how much i want something.
it is a hard process. the pain of loss i feel though, is not for an unborn child. because it was a blighted ovum (which accounts for about half of first trimester miscarriages), and there is nothing we could have done better over the past 2 months for a different outcome. it stopped developing because nature did what it was supposed to.
the soul that is meant to be our child is somewhere waiting. it is not lost or gone.
what i do feel right now is a sudden emptiness. the idea of finally becoming a mother (which has always mattered more to me than anything else) gave me a sense of purpose beyond anything i’ve ever felt before. now we try again to get pregnant in a few months. and hope that it goes smoothly. that there isn’t some bigger underlining issue that’s caused this to happen. it’s not easy, not knowing if i will be able to carry to full term. just waiting. accepting. hoping. trusting. but that is what we’ll have to do.
and if it’s just not in my cards, there are other options. which i have considered thoroughly as well. so i’m sure whatever happens, at the end of the day we’ll be just fine.
for now, i am playing the guitar.
i will channel all the love that’s built up into music. before we got the news, i had the sudden urge to get a guitar and make sure that music was a part of my (our) life again. so yesterday, my husband bought me one. and it’s been really calming.
let the music heal your soul.
let the music take control.
let the music give you the power to move any mountain ;)