chasing cars

when i was 13, i went for my first and last sports day of my high schooling years. we didn’t have a big school field, so it was held in a public field in a different area. everyone was outside getting picked up by their parents after the event and i had accidentally let my friend take my purse back home with her. i borrowed 50cents from another friend and went to the public phone booth to call my dad – my brother picked up and i told him to remind my dad that he was supposed to come get me now. i even said “right now okay”. because my dad has a tendency of taking his time! it was already over an hour of waiting, and the last of the girls were finally getting picked up too…until i was the last one there. a little panicked because i didn’t have any money with me to make a call, and i had waited forever, i decided that i had to now start walking home. so i walked – for over an hour. i walked past police men in a housing area and my primary school teachers passing in a car (that stopped to talk to me) without telling anyone what was going on. i just kept walking. i couldn’t explain why i’d chosen to just walk when i’d never walked so far before, when i could have asked for help. but the obvious habit of keeping my issues to myself as i’m dealing with it remains til this day.

you see, it’s kinda feels like my world has shifted again after the miscarriage. there are moments where i feel like i completely understand where my life is heading. that things have been falling into place, and i’m happier and stronger as time passes. and then, there are moments where i have absolutely no fucking clue what i’m doing here. doesn’t help that my hormones (and emotions) are still in recovery and haven’t settled down yet. it just feels sometimes like there’s too much going on for me to think about right now. it was fine – before and when i was pregnant. but all i’ve wanted the past week is to have some time to plant my feet firmly on the ground. i want to breathe and just feel myself breathing again. it’s too much to try and manage my emotions, make sure i’m cooking/consuming healing foods, and try to plan out a move including all the design details at the same time. without much support or anyone understanding what i’m going through on the inside.

i think i feel like no one can really help anyone else through their issues. if someone’s going to help me, it’s got to be me and me alone. it’s worked for the majority of my life. i’ve gotten through the tough times. but there are occasions where even the strong get taken down. and then, what do i do? i’m not used to reaching out. i don’t know how to be vulnerable and weak to let people know how much something is bothering me. people just assume i’m strong and they don’t ever learn to be there for me in my moments of weakness. which i honestly do not blame them for. i make it damn near impossible because i hardly ever allow myself to be admittedly broken for long enough that someone could something about the confusion or pain.

i am torn. on one hand, i feel excited about life. i know how much better everything is right now. i don’t have much to complain about at all. and i don’t – feel complainative about life. but on the other (especially when my emotions are running heavy) i feel like i need to reconsider the path i’m going down. i set out on this path with an idea of where it could take me, and things aren’t really going as planned and when i need my partner the most, i feel he isn’t able to snap into being the support i need him to be in this moment, where it really REALLY matters.

that’s something really hard to say or admit to. does is make me evil for wanting more than someone is trying to give? what do people do when they’re faced with that? just keep powering through? i know it’d be really nice to be with someone communicative who would understand me on my many levels. especially when i try not to make it hard. i have a pretty good understanding of myself, but people are built/raised differently. we all have our individual fortes. it’s not always convenient to a situation but i made a choice i’ve chosen repeatedly to stick to.

so i can’t allow myself to think too much into the unnecessary. i keep accepting that i will not have support in some ways. and i keep telling myself that it will be alright. i keep being strong.

but i’m not feeling very strong at all right now. and i really just don’t know what i’m doing here. at all.

 

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One thought on “chasing cars

  1. Goldie says:

    I can relate entirely. Some days I’m okay and the next I’m in the darkest most frightening place I’ve ever been. Where I genuinely have no idea what I’m doing or what the point of me is. Also, my oh can’t give me the time I feel I could do with but its not his fault.

    It sounds sad but I literally have to take the bad days hour by hour to get through it.

    Is there any othet support available to you? Counselling? X

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