road to recovery

i am lucky to have a partner who is loyal and dedicated to this relationship. he may not be everything i need him to be in (some) moments, but he has and always will try to give his all. relationships are a challenge and i cannot imagine what it must be like for him to be by my side through this part of my journey.

i wish i could just get through this alone and not put him through confusion he may not understand but i can’t hold myself together very well now, no matter how much i try. i hope i don’t unnecessarily hurt him too much in the process.

i pray this gets easier. i know everything does with time, so why is dealing with this so hard? maybe when my cycle returns to normal i’ll start to forget the trauma of miscarrying. maybe then i’ll feel hope return. until then, all there is is blind faith. but i don’t actually know how much of that i have right now.

i can’t be sure, but i feel like everything would be different if this wasn’t our first child. at least then i’d know i am capable of having a child. right now it feels like something’s wrong with me. maybe it’s my fault. maybe i didn’t take good enough care of myself. maybe i’ve put my body through too much in the past.

what if i conceive and miscarry again? what if it takes many tries to have a child? will i survive that? if i feel this bad now, what would i feel like if i’ve failed a few more times. and sometimes it does take that much trying.

why this? why me? why couldn’t i just be one of those women that have easy, smooth-sailing pregnancies? i’ve always felt like life has been pretty hard over the past decade. i’ve lost just about everything along the journey, had to struggle on my own and get through lots of rough patches. but i accepted all of that and finally got to a much better place. why this on top of everything else?

i can’t remember ever feeling this hollow.

i know i can try again, but right now it feels like something has been ripped out of me and i’m right here to feel all the pain. i don’t want to feel this way. i want to will be alright. i just need to work on getting there.

i have to will come to terms with how much my emotions are swinging back and forth and regain control of myself. i have to will count my blessings and not get swallowed up by the challenges life throws at me. i will get through this.

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One thought on “road to recovery

  1. sgrmse. says:

    yes. yes, you will. & you’ll do it with love, too. & knowing you’re not alone.

    i’m here if you need me.
    <3

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