Monthly Archives: November 2014

dread head

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i’ve tried putting string into my dreads but never really seemed to like the mess of colours. i changed my mind though, after using coloured bands to groom the tips. so now my hair’s going to have colour. maybe for years. maybe even decades.

it really has been a journey. sometimes i forget that for a good amount of time, my hair looked like this –

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ssshh

so here’s the little secret. i took a pregnancy test 2 days ago and it was semi/faintly positive. clear enough to be an obvious line, but not dark like it should be for a big fat yes. i’ve been feeling some fatigue and nausea, things i experienced with the first pregnancy. but i dare not dream. my miscarriage happened over a month ago and i haven’t gotten my period yet. i know a false positive is common after a miscarriage so i’ve got to wait a week to test again to find out if the line’s lighter or darker. i also know that some women conceive again very soon after a miscarriage before their cycles return and go on to have normal healthy pregnancies. but that’s not always the case.

i wish i could take a home pregnancy test and confirm it beyond a doubt or that i’d just get my period. just so i’d know. it’s killing me – being in limbo.

if we’re not pregnant, we keep trying. but what happens when we are? i never thought i’d experience a miscarriage. it doesn’t just feel simple and exciting anymore. i’m scared.

but i know we’ll have to take it a step at a time.

gosh. i do hope i’m pregnant again.

i really really do.

somehow it feels like i have been doing a lot of sorting and thinking lately but at the same time i haven’t been thinking at all. strange. i’m glad i have a husband to talk to, who allows me the space to share everything because i suppose that’s how and when things get sorted.

my head thinks the most late at night. which is what keeps me up all the time, which is thoroughly inconvenient i might add. but thoughts are a strange thing. i’m never trying to focus on a train of thought, and i’m hardly even aware that i’m processing information but i do feel growth through every passing conversation.

my insides feel more spiritual when i think of what i have to do in order to move on. but it also feels like i’m choking, trying to take a deep breath when there’s no air around me anymore. very transitional period of time where everything feels perfectly fine yet completely not and that nagging feeling of being pulled both ways refuses to go away. so i feel numb.

i’m giving myself 2 months to heal and sort everything out. i’m determined to let everything go and leave it in this present that’s soon to be the past. move on with a clear heart. make sure i don’t pick up a habit (shopping/binge eating/smoking) as a coping mechanism or distraction. close a chapter.

start a new one.

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