Monthly Archives: December 2014

the epic journey

sep12

i call our journey to arture.

oct12

i’ve decided to recap the past 2 and a half years instead of just 2014 because i’ve missed writing this post twice. i’m a huge fan of journaling and sometimes get upset when i realise that i’ve let so much time (and everything important that happened) pass without documenting how i felt or what it meant to me. there is just too much that happens over time for me to hold on to in my mind. ending the year should mean clearing up some space in my mental hard disk for new things to come and pouring it out here in case i ever want to look back.

dec12

a lot of things have changed in these 30 months. a lot around me, but so much more inside of me. i barely recognise the me i was before embarking on the most epic part of my journey so far. and that says a lot, since my life’s never lacked adventure to begin with.

xx1

the thing is, i never really felt comfortable discussing what sparked my transformation and occupied a large part of this chapter as it is taboo (just like most other things i do) which really kept me from being open and honest about a lot of what went on in my mind.

mar13b

how does one come right out and say “i dropped some acid and it changed my life” without being judged first. without having to fear possible repercussions. without causing worry to all those who care. because that’s exactly what i experienced.

mar13

(what feels like) a long time ago, i dropped some acid, and it set me on a path that’s allowed me to question everything i ever thought i knew about life, being and myself. and that allowed me to truly dig within, to reevaluate the things i’ve always known deep down and finally begin to face myself. that’s pretty much what psychedelics do.

cats1

since then, i have taken psychedelics a number of times. i didn’t overuse (mostly once every few months), i do not take non-psychedelic substances like the harder drugs that are truly harmful, and i have never been addicted to anything in my life (except maybe sugar, which thanks to this chapter, i have managed to get well under control). if you asked me, i do not feel like one could ever get addicted to psychedelics. especially when taken responsibly.

rainbowed

i definitely do attribute sudden changes i’ve made and a whole lot of growth to a handful of psychedelic experiences i have had and the space i have with my partner (whom i married along the way) that has allowed me to explore what everything meant.

may13

i have chosen to be honest here about the one thing i’ve never spoken of publicly because it feels somewhat suffocating to not be able to document my journey transparently. i have always been transparent, despite what anyone may think of my choices. and now when i’ve made such a change that the people around me feel i’m a different person – why be silent when they wonder what caused this?

why be silent about such a beautiful truth?

xx2

this journey has skyrocketed my transformation as a human being. it helped me mend a somewhat broken relationship with my father to a point where all i feel is love when i think of him now. and all that there is, is love. like nothing had ever been broken. it has allowed me a level of acceptance so tremendous, that i have been able to be by my mother’s side as a daughter when she’s needed comforting but more importantly as a friend to give her space to express the full extent of her thoughts and experiences without judgement. it’s been a tough year for her.

poi

i have forgiven people from my past and allowed negative emotions associated with them to slowly flow out – some of which i’ve held on to for almost a decade. chosen to deal with new situations that really upset me (and whoever was involved) in a way where we could still progress towards healing. found strength to be less selfish, more generous, to keep giving even when i don’t get in return.

jun13

i dealt with bad thought patterns in my mind that caused me in the past to be possessive, abusive, condescending, jealous, hateful, resentful, obsessive and the list goes on. i used to think that it’s perfectly fine to believe that “this is me. all that i am, is who i am. nothing needs to change”. but i have discovered how untrue and unfair to self that belief is. people are capable of change. i was capable of change deeper than i could have imagined.

aug13b

i have been freeing myself from old me. from personality traits and emotional habits i picked up from a lifetime of experiences. mechanisms set in to deal with loss and pain. self protection born out of fear of emotions i did not want to have to deal with again. but it was destroying me and all the relationships i tried to build.

aug13

i think on some level i always knew my relationships failing were a result of my questionable mental state and the choices i made with people from that space. i simply was not able to see what was good for myself in terms of friends and partners because i wasn’t in any way thinking of protecting my life from negative inputs and influences.

oct13

once i realised how much i had abandoned myself and found the courage to start reclaiming sanity that had been lost, i believe i finally made the right choice. i chose a partner who also had healing in his heart and together we set off on a journey of self discovery and cleansing (that we are still on) which has allowed us to tackle some of the hardest steps of life people go through, together. it has been no easy task – taking both individuals into consideration while functioning as one.

but i’m sure i speak for the both of us when i say it has been a truly amazing journey.

nov13yoga

together we have worked on creating a healthier lifestyle. mind, body & soul. we have worked towards cultivating some good habits and removing old ones that weren’t great. and as a coup de grâce before ending this chapter, we recently came face to face with an issue impossible to ignore which further strengthens our desire to take the next step with health in mind. we have through all of that discovered the full extent of our growth in truly being willing to trust life and all it has in store for us.

deca13

apparently we’re not afraid to continuously step into the dark, as long as we have each other for moral support and strength.

dec13

was his journey sparked by psychedelics too? yes. we may have continued down the path of exploring together, but we began the journeys on our own. in some ways it feels like we were brought together by psychedelics as we chose each other for no other reason than the potential of the relationship truly setting us free and healing us along the road less traveled.

cats2

we recognise that psychedelics exist for a reason. perhaps it’s nature’s way of sharing knowledge to help us see. these aren’t chemicals created in a lab for a person to get high on. these are compounds produced by living organisms found in nature created by the very force that created us. and once we have found the answers we seek, we thank nature for all that it has given us , stop and work on becoming what we discovered.

feb14

i can’t say all those who experiment do it with a spiritual purpose, but the people i have met along this journey have been some of the most loving, giving, accepting people i have had the pleasure of crossing paths with.

dec12

it’s a funny society we live in, isn’t it? when i was experimenting, people who did not understand the psychedelic experience felt the need to express their fear that i may be putting myself in danger or choosing to be irresponsible. so much judgement over something one has yet to experience.

jan14

why judge those whom as a result choose to live a clean non-materialistic life where pleasure is found in being mindful, healthy, soulful, spiritual. being awake is no easy feat but (to us) it sure is better than what greets us on the other side.

mar14

walking this path has allowed me to grow towards accepting life better for all it’s joys and challenges. everything used to feel so out of control. so unfair. so incredibly upsetting. it used to be such a weight to my psyche but now that emotion has changed to an understanding that everything plays out the way it is meant to. and that there needs to be an absolute trust in one’s journey.

may14

i think names and terms aside, religion is one with spirituality. i used to hate religion and believe i was an atheist. because i didn’t believe in a god. the concept of a god that was looking out after you and dictating the course of your life never made sense. but i do believe in a creator now. in a being that is love that we all came from and that life while seeming to be purposeless, serves the greatest purpose of all – LOVE.

may1414

i am so much more at peace with myself and everything around me now. if i could go back to before this journey began, i’d tell me to not do anything different. we’d be so proud of where i am now. where we are.

july14

so why allow psychedelics to be this hush hush thing that i “experimented” with but do not speak about openly? i love that we have had the fortune of taking the road less traveled. i love that it was this road. i love how much love we have experienced. how simple things are. how alive we feel.

sep14

i can’t tell others to take this path. i no longer want to guide or educate. but i certainly would be standing here with my arms wide open if someone decided to start seeking.

oct13b

i have danced as the shadow of sound. lived many lives with many ends. traveled backward and forward in time. flown through space. jumped through dimensions. conversed as my consciousness with the essence of life.

Untitled-1

this chapter was for trial and errors. for discovering and learning. we succeeded in using it to our full advantage. we didn’t hold back and neither did life. we have been given opportunities and support to venture into the unknown like i’ve never experienced before. the new chapter – what our hearts ache for – what we call arture, it is us taking a first step already knowing. now it’s time to put everything into practice.

nov14

when i look back now, i see that it’s been a beautiful 30 months.
i have gained some…

nov14b

and lost some…

ah ma

and grown oh-so-much.

aa

and while this post is full of pictures, what’s mattered more is what simply could not be captured by a camera.

i am always entertained by how my dreads seem to be a perfect outer manifestation of my inner world. what i see at any point in time will always be this beautiful more mature version of something that was not quite right yet – but is still on a never ending journey to becoming whole.

Untitled-1
how lucky i am to get to share this with someone who understands it all and more.

us

how lucky we are to be alive.

spontaneous pneumothorax

Yoong is back from the hospital. they discharged him yesterday.

for those who are curious, he had a spontaneous pneumothorax (collapse of a lung) brought on by dengue virus with an underlying bullae issue. which are these benign bubble like growths that put pressure on the lungs.

they put a tube into the right side of his chest to remove the air that had leaked out, for his lung to re-expand. but the doctors said our only option was to surgically remove the bullaes by an open thoracotomy (cutting into his chest), which would leave him with a 6-7 inch wound and a lot of recovery.

after a lot of consideration, we decided to opt against the surgery. that means he has been discharged, but the issue is far from being “solved”. this options means Yoong is currently living with half of a functional right lung and about 30% of his left. the rest of the space is occupied by these super annoyingly invasive “bubbles”.

we believe, that we should believe in the body’s ability to heal from all sorts of damage. especially because the lung has been known to re-grow to an extent. we are hoping to deal with this naturally by making lifestyle & diet changes, as well as look for psychological factors (the ayurvedic way) and if things don’t go as planned, then well, that’s what life has in store for him & us. everything will happen the way it’s meant to.

it is a complete trust in fate and a whole lot of faith but we feel most confident and comfortable with this decision – no matter what the outcome is.

this is another challenge life is throwing at us. two people who have chosen to live a life as naturally as we can. to take the road less traveled and believe that everything happens for a reason. even when what’s happening appears to be hell.

i am so proud of my husband for being the man he is. for being strong and willing to push through his fears and continue to live without giving into them. making a conscious choice to live not for our human selves but for our souls is an incredibly risky move. how can we be certain we’re making the “right” choice? how can we be certain things will go well? we very simply can’t. and we know the risks we are taking.

but ultimately, it is a decision to keep acting out of love instead of fear. even if it takes us down a path of darkness and uncertainty. everything truly does happen for a reason. the more we face ourselves and rise to the challenge, the more growth we are able to experience on so many levels. if we can’t trust life and its pains, then we simply will not get to benefit from the lessons we are meant to learn in this lifetime.

we choose to trust.
we choose love.

MIL

my mother is law is a real piece of work.

i suppose most mother in laws are, but i only have the pleasure of dealing with my own.

i don’t say much about her to anyone except probably my own mum because for the most part, what does it matter. i can ignore it a good portion of the time and smile it off as much as i can.

today, she felt the need to express to me (alongside her equally irritating childhood friend) that my hair doesn’t suit me. that it doesn’t look nice. that it looks like beggars in india. which for a good 5-10 minutes, i completely just shrugged it off saying “yup” “only some people like it” “hahaha yeah it’s hard to wash and takes a long time to dry” “it might not be the healthiest (to you) but neither is chemically dying hair, right?” “yeah i’ve had it short, long, curly, straight. it’s just hair lah” “my natural hair would be really crazy curly and messy, not so nice and pretty (the way you want it to look)”.

then they left for dinner, came back, and in the middle of some other conversation – her friend decided to make some ugly comments about beggars in nepal and india and how she came back to find that here too (in hokkien the whole way, not knowing i understood every single word). i ignored that too. just decided to open a book and start reading.

Yoong expressed that he was tired because he knew i wasn’t in the greatest place to be dealing with more (especially after just getting back from my grandmother’s funeral), so the friend and sister left. she (mil) walked them out, came back again and decided of all things – she’d say “i think ah, your hair really doesn’t look good on you blablablablablablablablabla” to which i said “okay. but it’s not really nice to say things like that to people”.

and then shit hit the fan.

i cannot remember the words that came out of her mouth after that. some justification on why she said that, and that it was her friend’s opinion (fair enough, but she did not need to put effort into telling me again) more blablablablablablabla. to which i said “aunty, please leave”. and then she said “who are you”.

wrong move, mil. 

because whether you like it or not (obviously not), i am your son’s wife. HIS WIFE. i don’t say this to you because there’s absolutely no need for me to. because the fact is, I AM his wife. and in this little game of tug and war you think we’re playing, there is simply no competition. never has been. never will be.

your son loves you because you are his mother. i respect that, and allow plenty of space for you to irritate and piss him off (which you do, all the time). in fact, what you don’t know is that i tell him to hug you. to call you and spend some time over the phone with you coz you might miss him. insist on not giving up on trying to fix what you broke in the first place. continue supporting him throughout the ups and downs he faces with you. 

but make no mistake. continue crossing the line and you will find yourself blocked out someday. with him, right here with me. 

i would feel slightly threatened if Yoong is a loyal puppy dog to his extremely loving mother. or maybe i wouldn’t even need to because if she were loving and nice, we wouldn’t have a problem to begin with. but there is no threat.

you are a constant reminder to him of the things he hates about having to deal with family. the never ending pressure to give give give. perform. behave. respect. be obedient. bow down. obey. 

in the snap of a finger, i could put you in your place and show you who i am. and who you aren’t.

but instead of doing that, i tell Yoong to see the good in her. to let the way he sees her change. to heal. to love again. to love stronger. i’m starting to think, that’s quite fucking pointless. really. what’s the point of putting in all the effort i can when she hasn’t got the slightest bit of decency, compassion, empathy or manners.

sometimes i really feel like saying “omg aunty. your clothes are damn over the top lah. can you dress your age ah? stop being so humiliating to just about anyone you are standing around” or “eeeeee. i cannot stand your taste. why so gaudy. why you waste so much money on something so ugly. wah, the renovation job on your house is quite shit isn’t it?”

i keep going back to the same fork in the road. continue to keep trying to be nice for the sake of my husband, to learn to rise above things and train myself to be unaffected or just treat her the way she treats everyone else.

hmmm. decisions. decisions.

i remember

ah ma used to cycle all the way to kfc to buy me a burger all the time, when i said i didn’t want to eat anymore. i would actually be full, and end up eating more anyways. she was smart at tempting me. she also did this with the fish & chips from lucky, wantan mee from ashita, buns from a bakery down the main road and countless other foods.

she used to pull me aside not so discreetly and insist that i take some cash or angpau (red packets) from her as it was good luck – before i left the house for longer periods of time.

i remember her black sauce chicken and fried fish with sweet soy sauce. they were my favourite. when she couldn’t cycle out anymore, she would cook food at home anytime i was back. and she’d make it a point to bring it straight to my room upstairs. even when she could barely walk up the stairs. as she got older, she’d slowly make her way up and down while sitting, one step at a time.

now when i look back, i realise how much she aged over the past decade. i didn’t really feel it then, because it was so slow and gradual. i didn’t think of the person she was the last time i saw her. funny how some things feel so clear when it’s time to say goodbye.

she used to make me milo and keep it frozen in the freezer for when i got home from school. i always say i was a milo baby. she was probably the reason why. one time, i had so much milo and food, i threw up.

i grew up with my grandma always around. i think i can say i lived with her throughout the years more than i’ve lived with my parents, or anyone else. she’s never not been a part of my life. however seldom or often i’d see her.

when i first moved to kl, she used to call me many times throughout the day. sometimes i’d love it. sometimes she’d annoy me. for the most part, i always answered and chit chatted with her. i suppose that gradually changed as well – until she didn’t call me for so many days that i’d find myself calling her. i remember thinking a few years back that someday my grandma’s going to stop calling and i’m really going to miss her fussing about me.

i can’t believe that day is here.

i really can’t believe that day is here.

it really is, isn’t it.
you’re really gone.

you really were the best grandmother a person could ever ask for. no one will ever spoil me the way you did. i still miss you ah ma. more than words can describe.

day 3.

day 3 of practically living in the hospital.

i am tired.

home doesn’t feel like home. probably because everything’s already packed for the move. the hospital is home now, because that’s where my heart is.

it hurts every evening when i have to leave my husband and come back home.

will try looking for a way to stay overnight tomorrow.
and ask the neighbour to feed the cats while i’m gone.

i’m not enjoying the evening’s at all but the daytime is alright when i get to take care of my husband and see him happy. i hate the look on his face as i’m saying bye. so unexcited with the idea of spending the night (and having to get everything done) on his own.

i hate hospitals.

i shall rise to the challenge as i always do though. i’m keeping the house as sorted as i can. wake up, prepare all food stuff and head off. get back, wash everything and set aside things for the next morning’s food preparation. not much time is spent at home.

i hope the kittens aren’t missing us too much while we’re gone. i’d hate to lose them on top of everything else too.

i’m processing all of this reasonably well for the amount of time i have to myself to think and just breathe.

the aircon in sunmed is not doing my nose any good. but there’s hardly a choice, is there?

i’m waiting for the storm to pass. because i will make it through. we will still be standing, to enjoy the beauty that comes after. to enjoy the rest of life together.

i miss you ah ma. i can still hear your voice when i shut the rest of the noise out and just think of you. i hope i never forget what you sound like.

i’m speechless. i haven’t gotten to processing everything yet. i don’t know what these emotions are just yet.

i love you.