my husband is in the hospital. things aren’t so bad that i don’t think he’ll be alright in a few weeks. but i can’t just shrug it off either.

i don’t know how to feel. i know he’s going to be alright because what other outcome can there be? i cannot deal with the possibility of any other outcome right now. i was so upset at the timing of him falling sick – a week before the big move. i really thought it was an infection. a bad one, yes. but i had no idea lungs could just collapse like that. the horrid part is that i saw his x-ray, and all the images of x-rays of people with pneumothorax i’ve come across while researching online don’t appear to be half as bad. he had barely any lungs left. what the doctor actually said was “you have no lungs”.

nothing i’ve come across so far leads me to believe that this condition can’t be treated, so i’m not worried things won’t get better. i guess i’m just dealing with the shock of it all. he drove us to the hospital this morning. we expected it to be a basic check to see what we’re dealing with (nothing major) and then he’d get some medicine and we head home. who knew i’d be driving myself back tonight?

i’ve never spent a night alone in our home. 2 and a half years of barely being apart. it’s absolute rubbish that this is happening. i’m in no way prepared to be the one that has to worry about my spouse being weak in any sort of way. the agreement was for me to die first someday so i’d never have to be without him.

i already miss him so much. i would have stayed the entire time with him there, but i figured i need proper sleep to be alert and care for him which i wouldn’t get sleeping in a chair there. . . . okay. that’s a lie. that’s just what i said to him so he wouldn’t worry about me falling apart without him. if they didn’t have visiting hours and i was allowed to stay i would have stayed without good sleep as long as it took for him to get better.

i maintained my calm and tried to focus on being loving and assuring. the only time i got teary was when i asked if they had visiting hours and they said no one can be there after 9. and then i left. and obviously absolutely broke down in the car before driving off, once i got home and probably will after i’m done being distracted by writing this post.

i’m not crying because i’m worried, or at least i think i’m not. i’m just really tired and unpleasantly surprised with how insane today was. FUCKING INSANE!

i just want my better half back home, all safe and cuddly in my arms.

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