Daily Archives: 161214

i remember

ah ma used to cycle all the way to kfc to buy me a burger all the time, when i said i didn’t want to eat anymore. i would actually be full, and end up eating more anyways. she was smart at tempting me. she also did this with the fish & chips from lucky, wantan mee from ashita, buns from a bakery down the main road and countless other foods.

she used to pull me aside not so discreetly and insist that i take some cash or angpau (red packets) from her as it was good luck – before i left the house for longer periods of time.

i remember her black sauce chicken and fried fish with sweet soy sauce. they were my favourite. when she couldn’t cycle out anymore, she would cook food at home anytime i was back. and she’d make it a point to bring it straight to my room upstairs. even when she could barely walk up the stairs. as she got older, she’d slowly make her way up and down while sitting, one step at a time.

now when i look back, i realise how much she aged over the past decade. i didn’t really feel it then, because it was so slow and gradual. i didn’t think of the person she was the last time i saw her. funny how some things feel so clear when it’s time to say goodbye.

she used to make me milo and keep it frozen in the freezer for when i got home from school. i always say i was a milo baby. she was probably the reason why. one time, i had so much milo and food, i threw up.

i grew up with my grandma always around. i think i can say i lived with her throughout the years more than i’ve lived with my parents, or anyone else. she’s never not been a part of my life. however seldom or often i’d see her.

when i first moved to kl, she used to call me many times throughout the day. sometimes i’d love it. sometimes she’d annoy me. for the most part, i always answered and chit chatted with her. i suppose that gradually changed as well – until she didn’t call me for so many days that i’d find myself calling her. i remember thinking a few years back that someday my grandma’s going to stop calling and i’m really going to miss her fussing about me.

i can’t believe that day is here.

i really can’t believe that day is here.

it really is, isn’t it.
you’re really gone.

you really were the best grandmother a person could ever ask for. no one will ever spoil me the way you did. i still miss you ah ma. more than words can describe.

day 3.

day 3 of practically living in the hospital.

i am tired.

home doesn’t feel like home. probably because everything’s already packed for the move. the hospital is home now, because that’s where my heart is.

it hurts every evening when i have to leave my husband and come back home.

will try looking for a way to stay overnight tomorrow.
and ask the neighbour to feed the cats while i’m gone.

i’m not enjoying the evening’s at all but the daytime is alright when i get to take care of my husband and see him happy. i hate the look on his face as i’m saying bye. so unexcited with the idea of spending the night (and having to get everything done) on his own.

i hate hospitals.

i shall rise to the challenge as i always do though. i’m keeping the house as sorted as i can. wake up, prepare all food stuff and head off. get back, wash everything and set aside things for the next morning’s food preparation. not much time is spent at home.

i hope the kittens aren’t missing us too much while we’re gone. i’d hate to lose them on top of everything else too.

i’m processing all of this reasonably well for the amount of time i have to myself to think and just breathe.

the aircon in sunmed is not doing my nose any good. but there’s hardly a choice, is there?

i’m waiting for the storm to pass. because i will make it through. we will still be standing, to enjoy the beauty that comes after. to enjoy the rest of life together.

i miss you ah ma. i can still hear your voice when i shut the rest of the noise out and just think of you. i hope i never forget what you sound like.

i’m speechless. i haven’t gotten to processing everything yet. i don’t know what these emotions are just yet.

i love you.