decaf

nowadays i get this overwhelming obsessive feeling. i can’t explain it, but it’s like i’m bored and looking for something to disappear into. but being at this phase – not here but not quite there yet – it doesn’t really leave me with much to obsess over. nothing healthy at least.

i suppose that’s why i love art. painting. because one, it’s free flowing. and two, i can spend hours and days just not needing to think of anything. sometimes that’s bad because i forget to think of eating too, but lucky i have a husband who’s well aware of my patterns and makes sure i take (forced) breaks for meals.

i think i’ve always been this way. felt this way. but for some reason over the past few weeks, it’s been really bothering me. i’m searching for something, yet when i stop to think, i feel like i haven’t got the patience to follow through with even the thought of something. i feel irritated at having to think so much. which is weird, because i’ve always been comfortable with overthinking.

the night time and knowing i have to go to bed soon makes me anxious too. i thought i’d gotten over not liking the night. and i actually fall asleep easier nowadays, but i just feel anxious. like i haven’t had enough day to use. like i haven’t done anything and i’m still looking for something to do.

even on days that i’ve gotten loads of things done.

it could quite possibly be the coffee that i’ve been drinking. never drank coffee all my life til my husband’s love for it finally got to me. not more than a cup a day and it’s only been 2 weeks…but maybe caffeine is affecting my sanity more than i’d like it to.

coffee dropped. no more caffeine for me thank you. i’ll just go back to drinking plain water.

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