Monthly Archives: February 2015

non-stop

it’s just been so hectic since we’ve moved to taiping that i haven’t had the time to sit down and really write out a long post the way i’d like to. because short updates are so incredibly pointless and boring. almost every day is filled with all sorts of projects. one after another. constant effort and work to set up our garden and land. but i have been putting in the effort to update on our facebook page. and instagram. so at least this part of the process doesn’t go completely undocumented.

next week, real work starts on the land. and then we’ll probably be even more busy.

i’m making the time to update here because yesterday, after 4 long months of waiting, i finally miscarried and the blighted ovum washed out. two weeks ago, i was just about ready to give in and give up. we went to the hospital to see if it’d be better for me to get a d&c and of course the doctors said yes. but i’d have to be admitted for at least 3 days for them to monitor me. i hate hospitals. not dislike, hate. and unless i’m dying, i’d never admit myself into one to lay there in some crappy hospital bed with nothing to do, waiting for some kind of horrible, unnatural procedure.

so we walked away. i said i’d just be stubborn and wait for it to happen on it’s own.

then i got back and did some soul searching and realised that maybe the past 4 months have been insane. that i’m emotionally holding on to everything. i’m not a person who really lets things show. or express the struggles i’m going through. mainly because i don’t think anyone knows what to do with someone elses emotions. so after finding out it was a blighted ovum, my mum and stepdad (whom i’m very fond of) have gone through a separation leaving me with little to no contact with my stepsisters. then we had to make the decision to move but we found out my husband has a life threatening condition and was hospitalized for 10 days. during which, my grandmother died. and to be there for my husband meant missing out on the funeral process all the way back in penang. i could only be there for half a day which really wasn’t enough time for anything to sink in. i really love my grandmother. probably more purely than anyone else in my life. and then we had to deal with my husband’s family which were fear mongering and withholding support because they didn’t like our plan to move. then we moved anyways and have been setting up here.

i’ve been holding up pretty alright. i’m not one to crumble and collapse at stress or bad things happening. i think my tolerance of pain has been built up that i’m prepared for many things to happen. but on a subconscious, emotional level – i don’t think i took the time to let go of the baby we were supposed to have. i really wanted to be a mum. so that’s what i did. over the past 2 weeks, i’ve been consciously choosing to let go. it’s been an insane week emotionally. draining. especially because life doesn’t just stop when i want it to, but i did make time to let go.

and yesterday morning, it happened. i naturally miscarried almost painlessly after 20 weeks of waiting. isn’t that insane? they say risk of infection and all the bad stuff goes up after a few weeks. and they suggest after 4 weeks, if a miscarriage doesn’t happen naturally, to go in for a d&c. i now fully believe that i’m just about the most stubborn person i know. because waiting this out has felt like forever. but being here right now, i do feel it’s been completely worth it. the body, mind and soul work together and one’s got to trust in the process.

i’m really glad for the timing as volunteers get here on monday, which i’m looking forward to so much more now that i feel like i’ve stepped into the (chinese) new year as a lighter me.

year of the sheep

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homemade cookies and cny deco in our dining area.

this is the first cny that i’m getting to celebrate in a real home of my own.
this is the first cny i’m celebrating without my grandma.

it doesn’t get any more bittersweet than this.
i wish you were still around to get to come over for cny ah ma. i wish i could cook you the food you used to cook for me. i wish so many things, but you’re just not here anymore.

don’t worry though. i’ll continue to celebrate it, even if there’s not much of the tradition that i know or understand. i’m sure to you, it’s the thought that counts. and you know that i continue to love you every day.

still looking forward to having the first reunion dinner in our home and starting our own tradition.