Monthly Archives: August 2015

alan watts

now there really isn’t anything radically wrong with being sick or with dying. who said you’re supposed to survive? who gave you the idea that it’s a gas to go on and on and on?

and we can’t say that it’s a good thing for everything to go on living. in very simple demonstration that if we enable everybody to go on living, we overcrowd ourselves and we’re like an unpruned tree.

and, so therefore, one person who dies in a way is honorable because he’s making room for others… although each one of us, individually, will naturally appreciate it when anybody saves our life, if we apply that case all around we can see that it’s not workable.

we can also look further into and see that if our death could be indefinitely postponed, we would not actually go on postponing it indefinitely because after a certain point we would realize that isn’t the way in which we wanted to survive.

why else would we have children? because children arrange for us to survive in another way by, as it were, passing on a torch so that you don’t have to carry it all the time. there comes a point where you can give it up and say now you work.

it’s a far more amusing arrangement for nature to continue the process of life through different individuals then it is always with the same individual, because as each new individual approaches life is renewed. and one remembers how fascinating the most ordinary everyday things are to a child, because they see them all as marvelous – because they see them all in a way that is not related to survival and profit.

when we get to thinking of everything in terms of survival and profit value, as we do, then the shapes of scratches on the floor cease to have magic. and most things, in fact, cease to have magic.

so therefore, in the course of nature, once we have ceased to see magic in the world anymore, were no longer fulfilling nature’s game being aware of it.

there’s no point in it any longer. and so we die. and, so something else comes to birth, which gets an entirely new view. and so nature’s self-awareness is a game worth the candle.

it is not, therefore, natural for us to wish to prolong life indefinitely. but we live in a culture where it has been rubbed into us in every conceivable way that to die is a terrible thing. and that is a tremendous disease from which our culture, in particular, suffers.

and we notice it personally in the way in which death is swept under the carpet. and, so a person is left to die alone, suddenly, unprepared, and doped up to the point where death hardly happens.

a place called home

1989 kpg gajah homethis is the home i grew up in.

the only place that felt like home for a really long time even after we said our final goodbyes.

all my memories of childhood remain in that square terrace unit we rented at rm350 for almost 20 years.

i lived in all 4 rooms upstairs over time. each change of scenery for very different reasons. i helped paint the hall, put granite into the pavement and tiles on the floor.

i’m a sentimental fool, for the most part.
and i really love that house.

i didn’t even realise how much memory i have of home until ah ma passed away and all my dreams of her are set in that home.

DSCN1079this is home, right before we said goodbye.

i don’t remember when it was painted white. blue was a much better colour.

that is our mango tree ah ma planted back in the early 90s. come to think of it, our family occupied that house for more than 20 years. by 2013, i had already moved out but ah ma and ah kong had to shift to a new rented house in their old age when the owner decided to sell the whole row of houses and the new owners doubled the rent, then tripled it.

i shall remain bitter about that forever.

i went back to visit the house a month ago. just out of curiosity. the place is now covered by weeds and it’s clear the mango tree left with us. all that’s left is a huge bark and bald branches.

i dug through the jungle of weed and got to the windows in front. i know how to get them to open from the outside even if it’s latched on the inside. doing that reminded me of the many times i did in the past, to call out to ah ma so she could open the doors for me when i forgot my keys.

the inside was naked, except for my old piano sitting still in the middle of the hall. it still felt like home.

i thought seeing the place completely abandoned would have saddened me more, but i actually rather like how nature has taken over. better nature than people.




i have a new home now.
and a new family.


oh, the memories we’ll create.

here comes the sun

Untitled-1i’m finally expecting again. because of the miscarriage the last time around, i was a little scared and very careful about getting too excited about this pregnancy. did not want to get my hopes up too high just in case something went wrong. but last week we saw a heartbeat and the doctor confirmed everything pointed towards a normal pregnancy. i can’t say the fear has completely disappeared, but the joy and excitement is definitely taking over.

it hasn’t been easy, having no choice but to be patient and wait to conceive again – especially when i’ve felt for years like i’ve wanted to step into this new phase of life. on the inside it feels like there’s this rush. that i can’t wait so long because i’ve always wanted more than one child (to say the least) and i never wanted to be 30 and pregnant. acceptance comes from knowing that in the time i spent waiting to start this chapter, i’ve learnt so much more than i could have a few years ago which better enables me to provide for my child the way i’ve always wanted to.

also this time, my husband’s prepared for it and actually excited instead of panicky and worried. i would say that the one year since we found out we were pregnant the last time has given him space to “see the light”. i could not and would not want to do this alone without him being on board fully. coming from a broken family, i feel the absolute need to provide my child/children with a stable and loving environment. there is only so much material possession and financial support we can offer them, living this simple life. but love and support is not something anyone has to purchase.

i’m really looking forward to growing as a family. i believe in the past 10 years, i’ve done all i’ve needed to do and explored as much as i could. the quest was never actually for freedom, but to find a place to call home. i always loved being at home in my own little bubble and that’s never changed. who would have known that the journey would bring me back to lil’ old taiping, the place i was born in? seems like life’s come one full circle and there couldn’t be a better time or place to start our family.

the past 10 weeks have been bearable. i spent half the time feeling really really great and the other half feeling very meh. i haven’t thrown up but that could be out of pure determination because i have had issues with morning sickness (which everyone should know happens anytime throughout the day). my love hate relationship with food is constantly evolving, leaving me with not much to look forward to in terms of food. my nose is in hyper-drive and everything smells overwhelming so i’ve been sticking to fruits, vegetable shakes and light food for the most part.

i’ve found it helpful to distract myself with preparation and research for our much awaited bundle of joy. trying to be as efficient as i can be with spending and not waste money on the ton of unnecessary baby stuff there is out there. so much information to learn from and sift through.

also, staring at the computer screen and using the scroller on the mouse makes me feel nauseous, so that’s it for updates until i’m out of this stage of pregnancy.

i tell yoong we’re only going to have one child because pregnancy is no walk in the park but i know everything passes and all will be forgotten the moment we have a baby in our arms. i predict that we will be going through this all over again.