i’m finally expecting again. because of the miscarriage the last time around, i was a little scared and very careful about getting too excited about this pregnancy. did not want to get my hopes up too high just in case something went wrong. but last week we saw a heartbeat and the doctor confirmed everything pointed towards a normal pregnancy. i can’t say the fear has completely disappeared, but the joy and excitement is definitely taking over.
it hasn’t been easy, having no choice but to be patient and wait to conceive again – especially when i’ve felt for years like i’ve wanted to step into this new phase of life. on the inside it feels like there’s this rush. that i can’t wait so long because i’ve always wanted more than one child (to say the least) and i never wanted to be 30 and pregnant. acceptance comes from knowing that in the time i spent waiting to start this chapter, i’ve learnt so much more than i could have a few years ago which better enables me to provide for my child the way i’ve always wanted to.
also this time, my husband’s prepared for it and actually excited instead of panicky and worried. i would say that the one year since we found out we were pregnant the last time has given him space to “see the light”. i could not and would not want to do this alone without him being on board fully. coming from a broken family, i feel the absolute need to provide my child/children with a stable and loving environment. there is only so much material possession and financial support we can offer them, living this simple life. but love and support is not something anyone has to purchase.
i’m really looking forward to growing as a family. i believe in the past 10 years, i’ve done all i’ve needed to do and explored as much as i could. the quest was never actually for freedom, but to find a place to call home. i always loved being at home in my own little bubble and that’s never changed. who would have known that the journey would bring me back to lil’ old taiping, the place i was born in? seems like life’s come one full circle and there couldn’t be a better time or place to start our family.
the past 10 weeks have been bearable. i spent half the time feeling really really great and the other half feeling very meh. i haven’t thrown up but that could be out of pure determination because i have had issues with morning sickness (which everyone should know happens anytime throughout the day). my love hate relationship with food is constantly evolving, leaving me with not much to look forward to in terms of food. my nose is in hyper-drive and everything smells overwhelming so i’ve been sticking to fruits, vegetable shakes and light food for the most part.
i’ve found it helpful to distract myself with preparation and research for our much awaited bundle of joy. trying to be as efficient as i can be with spending and not waste money on the ton of unnecessary baby stuff there is out there. so much information to learn from and sift through.
also, staring at the computer screen and using the scroller on the mouse makes me feel nauseous, so that’s it for updates until i’m out of this stage of pregnancy.
i tell yoong we’re only going to have one child because pregnancy is no walk in the park but i know everything passes and all will be forgotten the moment we have a baby in our arms. i predict that we will be going through this all over again.