break through

sometimes it makes me angry.
sometimes it makes me sad.
sometimes i am scared.

sometimes i get so frustrated that no matter what i say, i can’t seem to get through.

i’m a fixer. and whenever i pick up on something within myself – emotionally or physically – that needs fixing, i try to fix it. i try very hard. i try so hard i end up breaking my back trying to heal it. and then i try some more. i never give up.

EVER.

but i can’t fix everything. i struggle to just fix myself. so when other people need fixing, i try to do my part to enable them to fix themselves and hope they get to it. sometimes they don’t.

sometimes my other half doesn’t.

i don’t understand why.

could it be that he doesn’t care? or that he’s not worried? or that it actually scares him too much to allow himself to think of the what ifs. because the what ifs are pretty darn scary to me. maybe he just doesn’t give it much thought. maybe it matters less to him than it does to me.

this does after all, affect the outcome of my life more than it does his. however selfish that sounds.

he is my partner. my better half. my soulmate. there’s no version of the future in my mind in which we aren’t holding hands, growing old together. whether or not he is here – to me – is everything.

of course it scares me.
of course that makes me sad.
of course i get angry.

why would he not do all he can for the best possible chance at that future?

what am i not getting? and why am i not getting through?
i want to fix things so badly my mind was yelling so loud i’ve gone deaf.

it’s silent now.
it’s better when it’s silent.

i wish it would stay silent forever.

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One thought on “break through

  1. Mitchel says:

    I u/stand what ur feeling right now. Women r generally more sensitive (emotional) than men. Things that appear significant to us might not appear so to them. Sometimes the problem is not that they don’t care, it’s because we think too much. In the end, we’re the one that suffer.

    Things r beyond our ctrl most of the time. Hence, it’s pointless to think or plan too far into the future. We can hv wonderful plans & picture of future but whether it work out or not that’s another story. Try to let go of the grasping, just enjoy the present moment, live in present & do your best who knows things will turn out better?

    Don’t Let your own grasping & expectations limit your potentials. In order to swim, u need to relax your muscles & body otherwise u’ll sink like a stone. Learn to relax. It’s difficult at the moment but with practices, it gets better. Good luck.

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