i’ve gotten back into the swing of yoga. after 3 years of waiting. wanting. trying. i gave myself a break and looked for a class. the truth is, i just wasn’t able to get into the flow of it on my own.
the first time around, the both of us had no commitments in life. we were renting a room, making ends meet with part time work and hadn’t quite figured out what we wanted to do with life yet. we were wanderers. free. it was easy. we made time for yoga every morning. sometimes a few hours.
and then life took over. and the past 3 years have been different from what life was back then. so, i guess counting on myself to be able to practice yoga the same way just caused more strain.
after renting the room, we moved to an empty house with a much bigger rent and no furniture. yoong went to work full time as we tried to build a home. i struggled to practice yoga.
then opportunity came calling and we moved to another empty house in taiping. we had no jobs as we tried to set up a land and our house at the same time. i struggled to practice yoga.
after a few months we got pregnant (by choice). we pushed to start our own little business while maintaining our old side business while setting the home up for baby. i struggled to practice yoga.
3 years passed. i had planned to be the perfect mum in waiting. eating all the good stuff while pregnant. practicing yoga. stretching. meditating. breathing. but the truth is our schedule was so packed that i continued to struggle to practice yoga.
then baby came. and i still had all these crazy ideas on being a perfect baby-wearing yoga mum. but before i could get there, my body gave way.
the years of hard hard hard work had taken it’s toll. all the long hours + heavy lifting + bending over + incorrect posture + caring for a baby = one painfully herniated disc.
the truth is my back has been in pain for years. a pain i pretended to not see and somehow thought i could ignore away.
i tried qi gong & tai chi massages. acupuncture and physiotherapy. and somewhere along that process i realized it’s completely fine for me to seek and accept help. if i could with these things, why not for yoga.
and so i did. and a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. i can schedule the classes into our daily life and make time. for yoga, with support.
the truth is that my back and legs are still in a lot of pain. some days are good. some days i struggle to walk.
the truth is that my physiotherapist tells me to drop yoga but i’m not listening.
because the truth is that i love that i have yoga again. i just restarted. i don’t think i can deal with a reality in which I don’t have yoga anymore.
this time, i blindly believe that if i practice right and push in the right ways, yoga will heal and not hurt.
sometimes i look back at the past and ask myself what i was thinking, doing what i did. but the problem is that in the present, all of life is really a gamble. a future unknown.
i can’t say where this will lead me. but i believe in always following my gut instinct above all else. and right now it’s chanting softly but strongly…
and if yoga doesn’t lead me out of pain. or worse, leads me to more pain, then i shall accept that pain as part of the rest of my journey back to self.
because all of life is just that – a journey – to which i surrender myself wholely.
in this now, this ever fleeting present, i am just thankful to be one with yoga again.