star light, star bright

i wish i could go back in time. with all this love and sanity, to save myself. it pains me so much when i think of how things played out in my life. before i knew how to process what was going on and foresee how it would later impact me and my life. how it would affect all my choices and experiences. i wish i could save myself from the negative influence my parents relationship and separation was to my space. to watch them argue and fight and yell and scream. to see them so unhappy, so lacking. so incomplete. to have seen and internalized all that violence and rage. i wish i could save myself from all the bad choices i made. all the bad choices i made from that space of chaos and insanity. i wish i could give myself a home. a real home, one that wouldn’t get taken away. ripped from my heart and hands. leaving me displaced, alone, lost – to figure out how to fend for myself. i wish i had the tools to cope with what happened better. i wish my parents showed me what love is. what true, unapologetic, wholesome, complete love is. for self. for each other. not a game of cat and mouse. never being satisfied. complaining. disagreeing. fighting. controlling. waiting for love. begging for a love that isn’t there. i wish i knew what love is. i wish i could have chosen to hold on to the right people and not need to walk into all the wrong ones. to know who loved me and who didn’t know how to. to tell the difference, to have my foundation so grounded at home, with my family – to have a family – to not need to seek fulfillment outside. to not think i was in search of happiness when in reality, i was trying to fill a void. the void that was family i wanted back. the void that would could never be filled. i wish i had a home to go back to, when i didn’t feel safe and in the right place. when i changed my mind. someone to protect me and love me and listen to me and guide me with a conscious and loving hand. a space i could remain settled in so i could take my time with decisions i made and not have to rush through everything to find stable ground. i wish i didn’t step into life so damaged. so angry, so bitter, so broken, so needy. even though now in hindsight i can see how the damage began so much earlier than the the time the separation took place, i didn’t know back then. and i was used to having a family. i still needed my family. i wish it didn’t all get ripped away from me. i wish i didn’t find myself 18, on the cusp of adulthood, in the middle of a shitstorm. i wish my parents were in a better place to have been able to be around for us. to prioritize us. to care about how it was impacting us. i wish they had the coping tools to have separated better. without the great big mess that ensued. i wish they knew how it was their fault, and not ours. their choice, not ours. and didn’t punish us for it. i wish they apologized, not for discovering they weren’t meant to be, but for putting us through such an ugly terrible few years. for leaving us, for changing the game on us partway through. i wish they found a way to minimize damage to us. to acknowledge how much we were still loved by the other, instead of ripping each other apart, putting us in the middle of a war. making me feel like neither loved me. neither prioritized me. neither cared. i wish it didn’t all make me feel unloved, so i wouldn’t have had to look for love in all the wrong places. so i didn’t have to trade parts of myself i did not want to, to be wanted, approved, accepted. i wish i understood how to love and be loved. that i did not need to make myself more agreeable in order to be taken in by others. that being damaged goods did not mean no one could love me. that i didn’t need to be desperate. and that desperate love was never going to be wholesome love. i wish i knew how worthy i was. worthy of real, good love. that i was not defined by the trauma i had been through. i wish i was unafraid of the good people. unafraid to be patient, and to be loved right. i wish i didn’t need to be such a disaster, turning everything i touched into shit. too scared i would hurt anyone who knew how to love me, and choosing those that didn’t know how to. allowing myself to replay the same scenario over and over and over again. to remain comfortably where i knew how to be, rejected, hidden, wrong. blaming it on others. over and over again until i faced myself to see that it was i that didn’t know how to love myself. i wish i knew how to be then, who i am now. worthy. worthy of all the love life has to give me. worthy of being treated right. worthy of happiness. worthy because i am no less than anyone else that exists, broken or not. just as they are no less worthy than i am. because worthiness is not something you have to sell parts of yourself to own. it is not something that is traded or earned or given to you through approval. it does not demand you to be perfect or even alright. it just is. you are here. and you are worthy. i wish i knew that, before i had lost all parts of myself just to find that worthiness was not to be found at the bottom of the barrel. after i was done draining all of myself and had nothing left to give. nothing left to be. the bottom was emptiness.  worthiness, on the other hand, is the barrel. and the barrel is me. i wish i could have saved myself all that pain and all that trouble and all the mistakes made. but i suppose all i can do, is be thankful that after all that, i found my way here. that i have survived. that i can heal myself. and maybe, just maybe, i will be able to give all that i wished for myself – to my children. to my daughter/s. so that 30 years from now, they aren’t sitting with themselves wishing it had been different. i wish for them, love.

star light, star bright,
first star i see tonight,
i wish i may, i wish i might,
have this wish i wish tonight.
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