today i turn 30. looking at my life in hindsight, there are so many things i could have done differently. disasters i could have avoided. pain i could have opted out of. but i have to say, i truly did not know better. i am so thankful that life allowed me to discover the truth and heal. that i need not be the trauma i carried. nor the belief system i had formed out of it.
love has been the theme of my life. needing love. giving love. acquiring love. losing love. trying to hold on to love. not feeling loved. sacrificing all of myself for love. destroying love. and it is this dance with love that led me to questioning who i was, who i had become and who i could be.
i have discovered that in life, there is love and there is fear. all of our actions come from one or the other. acting out of fear is not love. something i did a lot, not knowing the difference. love cannot be held on to. it can only be given, genuinely. love is not a tool for control or power. it cannot demand obedience or sacrifice in return. that is fear. love can only receive what is willing to be given.
the most important person to learn to love is self. all that we experience in life is what we need to experience to show us ourselves. the external world is merely a perception based on our internal landscape. as within, so without. which is why to fix anything, it is most important to first fix self. to love self. to know i am worthy. as i am. to be a sovereign being, not in need of anyone else’s approval or validation. to just be me – for myself. and only from that space, materialize the rest of life.
love has become a very different thing to me over the past decade. and it is all the lessons and pain that brought me to where i am. that returned me to me. pain is a very necessary part of love and growth and i have no intention of avoiding it. in fact, disasters and all, i wouldn’t change a thing about life, because there has been so much good to come out of it. it truly is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
i love where i am now. i love who i am. i am grateful for how things continue to play out, even when it is unplanned or unexpected. life continues to show me that everything happens for a divine reason, and it is all love if only i can continue to trust and surrender to this ride i am on.
i have to say, it feels pretty damn good to be 30 today.