in all honest observation, there are so many things currently running through my mind it’s keeping me from sleep. i’m not entirely sure if it’s that part of my cycle, or that there is something larger i am running from. or trying to figure out. as it is my nature to “figure things out”, sometimes it’s incredibly impossible to ignore the processes in my mind.
tonight i’ve worked something out. that this feeling of needing or wanting “love”. or better pinpointed as affection/attraction has little to do with being dissatisfied in my marriage and more to do with my yearning to do that dance. my addiction to the high it brings. because the excitement it brings is real. and while i know that an addiction is an addiction – aren’t we all addicted? to drugs, smoking, caffeine, drinking, gaming, the internet, success, money, luxury, sex, power.
the only difference is that everything else can be done to some moderate extent while still maintaining a happy marriage. can be and actually accomplished being two very different things.
what if, i will always want that high? and the deeper question, will monogamy leave me forever yearning? not able to have it in the slightest bit, because while a part of me craves the sensation, the stronger part of me is determined to have the picture perfect marriage with a picture perfect family. to not ruin that with things like inconsistency, separation and discontentment.
is the determination to make things work a byproduct of family trauma? or is it a necessary part of making any marriage work? is forever necessary? is forever natural? what if it isn’t, to some of us at least. yes, there are people happily married til death do they part. but there are so many unhappily married people as well. would things not be better off for some if the lines of what marriage is, were not drawn so absolutely?
not that i am unhappy. or by any means have a bad marriage. i have one of the better ones. it’s taken a while to get here, and at this point i’ve worked out that there is nothing “wrong” with my partner. nothing at all. he is just who he is. it is me that yearns for more. for something that no longer has any space in my life. and that yearning is not something that he could ever fulfill not by his fault, but by the very nature of the yearning. i’ve managed to very successfully keep it at bay for the entirety of our relationship (which is honestly more than i can say in regards to most of my previous relationships), but do i have to do it forever with this nagging yearning? is that what it will always be? is that the only way it can be?
the thing is, in making the commitment to accept that there is within me an addiction that i should not and will not give in to, it makes me expect similar in return. for my partner to quit the things that he wants, that i personally do not want as part of our life. to make and agreement and stick to it. but if my determination leads to expectation, how is that healthy? i’ve recently come to find the freedom and joy in allowing him the space to be his own person and experience what he wants. and i actually find it fair, and not disturbing within myself to allow him to do just that. of course, i’ve always been inclined to wanting others to do what makes them happy, but i’ve always struggled with accepting it probably because here i am, sacrificing all sorts of things to “make things work”.
what if i should not actually be sacrificing myself out of the fear that if i don’t, my relationship would not work? what if there is love that allows me to just be who i am?
i have always been an anxious preoccupied, insecure person. it has lead to all types of extreme behavior in my relationships and life. initially, i had no awareness of it whatsoever. i was just being me. but then i started becoming aware of the crazy and wondered why i had to be that way. i spent many years working on understanding myself. on letting my walls down. on facing myself. on seeing my trauma and the behavior that came from it that created the me i was being. then i began to set myself free. and i cannot say that i am not still filled with fears and anxiety, but i am able to recognize the cues and push through them with self love instead of ego. and i am with each passing day, more aware and more secure.
i have always chosen relationships out of fear. i have chosen people who are avoidant, unavailable, unable to love. because my personality type was comfortable in the seat of the pursuer. comfortable with feeling rejected and not good enough because that’s how i felt about myself. because that’s the way i was built, just as my mother was. i was unconsciously repeating her patterns. and the secure people who tried to love me, i rejected or ran from out of fear of destroying a relationship worth having because i was such a mess.
there is that fear, and it is so real. of actually having something worth having, and not being good enough for it. of failing. of being the one at fault for failure.
but what if i don’t want to choose out of fear anymore? what if there is love that allows me to be me. love that accepts me just as i am, just as i choose to be. love that does not have to be this or that. relationship or self. because that’s what someone like me feels, like some part of me is incorrect and has no place in a relationship because it will cause destruction. but if it’s truly a part of me, and truly a secure love, i shouldn’t fear destruction.
what if now i no longer fear myself, i yearn to experience the secure love i have run from all my life? what if i no longer want to be kept at arm’s length, chasing, sacrificing, pursuing. feeling unfulfilled.
what if i am not looking for a love that removes my desires and yearning to experience what i want in life, but a love that goes beyond that? to set free instead of set boundaries. because as i am learning and choosing to let go, to accept people for who they are, to love them as they are – there is a desire to be loved the same in return.
is that wrong? does choosing a reality i convince myself is the only option there is out of a fear of the unknown right? standing here staring at the other path feels like facing death. but in facing where the fear comes from, i remove it. because beyond death is more life. beyond loss is more love. beyond pain is healing. so – why fear, right?