this time, 3 years ago, i had just welcomed earthside a beautiful, intense being that would forever change my life. being a mum has given me most reason to be my best self. forcing me to think about even the smallest of things i would have let slip by without a thought before. everything i am, the experience i curate for her up to the point she ventures off on her own, creates the memories and building blocks of her foundation. i strive so hard to be perfect, knowing full well that i can never be. this knowing that there is someone else – a pure, innocent being whom i have so much impact over is both amazing and terrifying. because at the same time i am trying to be my most free self, i am incredibly aware that i am sometimes not able to or should not make selfish decisions for just myself. it is confining. to not be able to choose me. to not know if choosing me is what will give my children the best version of myself. if those choices will be better than the ones i make out of the desire to give them the best life they can have. it’s confusing, to not know which door the “best life” is sitting behind. especially for someone who does as much thinking as i do. i try to think less. trust more. but it’s incredibly hard to not to think when it comes to the larger decisions in life. where we live. the lifestyle we choose. if the sacrifices made to achieve the life is worth the reward. if i should live for the present or the future. for myself or my children. i wish these things were easier…but don’t we all? i just don’t allow myself to run from the feelings, which leaves me overwhelmed by them sometimes. should i technically avoid dwelling on them? is a certain level of avoidance healthy? life sure was simpler when it was just me. but i love being a mum. and i love my children so much. they matter so so so so much. their experience, their emotions, their needs. so much it kills me to not be alright sometimes. to not be my best for them. to not have things figured out. to struggle. but i guess struggle is as much a part of life as joy is. and we take it all and try to make the best out of it. never really knowing all the ways things may play out. and what will be will be.