Daily Archives: 120719

on my own

i have never been comfortable asking for help. i don’t think many of us are. somewhere along our journey as human beings we decided that our narrative should be built on the expectation of everyone having their shit together. that the inability to be self dependent means failure. failure of your own. failure of the family that has raised you. failure of the path you have chosen. just, overall failure. so there’s an incredible pressure to present a picture of having one’s shit together.

how much time is wasted trying to paint that picture.

this has followed me into relationships with loved ones. the discomfort and unfamiliarity in asking for help or conveying my needs results in an expectation of the other party knowing who to be, what to do or how to help and a frustration or dissatisfaction upon not having my needs met.

but i have come to understand that having my needs met is my responsibility and mine alone. whether i meet them myself or i communicate those needs to others so they may extend their love to me in those ways. because love is not owed. it is not a prerequisite to having a relationship. we all know very well relationships can exist with no love at all. and because i am not entitled to anyone else’s love or kindness, i have to be alright with asking for what i need or accepting what i do or do not receive with grace.

it is easier said than done. existing in a society where you can be seen as inconvenient for expressing opinions and needs makes it hard to do just that. it is easier to remove one’s needs than try to communicate it in hopes of finding a workable solution. easier. but all that accomplishes is silencing people to a point of isolation and non-existence.

i believe we all yearn communion. it takes a village to get anything done – building houses, farming a land, raising children, managing a household, running a business – yet we constantly find ourselves without one.

isolation replaces the village. isolation becomes the narrative. you are on your own.

we are quicker to doubt people than we are to trust them. in fact, to trust and rely on others is naive and stupid. we are better off walking around with filters and walls, to protect self from all the things that could go wrong in life. so much to fear.

it took a lot of reflecting to see how i’d built my relationships around that narrative. hardships faced alone because of keeping people out of my struggles. feeling frustrated in relationships when my partner failed to understand my needs. anger when the action of others caused me pain. so much unnecessary loneliness and finger pointing.

but how is anyone to know what i need if i don’t communicate it? and why is the norm to brace one’s self for impact before trying to address an issue. as though humans are so tiny and limited that we are unable to handle situations any better. 

love and life are expansive. our capacity to grow knows no bounds. we limit ourselves because we are afraid. afraid of failure. afraid to try. afraid to ask. afraid to need. afraid of judgement.

so, what if i remove that fear? what if i just ask. what if i just communicate my needs. so simple. so what if someone thinks i am inconvenient for asking. so what if my request actually does trouble people a little. so what if i seem irresponsible or incapable for being unable to manage everything myself. one’s opinion of me need not matter if my opinion of me is fine. i can be fine with being a failure within the old narrative. i can create my own narrative.

because what i do know to be true is that i am always here, waiting to be needed. always here willing to participate. willing to help. willing to show up. willing to be that village. and if i am, i have to believe that others are too. all it takes is asking. to shed the belief that my worthiness as a human being is somehow tied to having my shit together…and just ask.

i replace the narrative in my mind and in the hearts of my relationships. it’s only just the beginning, but already it feels so good. so good to let others into my life. so good to involve them in the things that matter to me. so good to not need to paint any picture. so good to be free to ask rather than expecting, being disappointed, feeling frustrated, getting angry, sitting in pain, fear, distrust and shutting down or just cutting right through everything and entering a situation already shut down.

this journey back to self is so incredibly beautiful. inner battles fought to remove the walls that keep me from feeling supported and embraced. and with every victory i am rewarded with a reminder of what it means to live with and through love.

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