Category Archives: A HEALTHY CHOICE

break through

sometimes it makes me angry.
sometimes it makes me sad.
sometimes i am scared.

sometimes i get so frustrated that no matter what i say, i can’t seem to get through.

i’m a fixer. and whenever i pick up on something within myself – emotionally or physically – that needs fixing, i try to fix it. i try very hard. i try so hard i end up breaking my back trying to heal it. and then i try some more. i never give up.

EVER.

but i can’t fix everything. i struggle to just fix myself. so when other people need fixing, i try to do my part to enable them to fix themselves and hope they get to it. sometimes they don’t.

sometimes my other half doesn’t.

i don’t understand why.

could it be that he doesn’t care? or that he’s not worried? or that it actually scares him too much to allow himself to think of the what ifs. because the what ifs are pretty darn scary to me. maybe he just doesn’t give it much thought. maybe it matters less to him than it does to me.

this does after all, affect the outcome of my life more than it does his. however selfish that sounds.

he is my partner. my better half. my soulmate. there’s no version of the future in my mind in which we aren’t holding hands, growing old together. whether or not he is here – to me – is everything.

of course it scares me.
of course that makes me sad.
of course i get angry.

why would he not do all he can for the best possible chance at that future?

what am i not getting? and why am i not getting through?
i want to fix things so badly my mind was yelling so loud i’ve gone deaf.

it’s silent now.
it’s better when it’s silent.

i wish it would stay silent forever.

decaf

nowadays i get this overwhelming obsessive feeling. i can’t explain it, but it’s like i’m bored and looking for something to disappear into. but being at this phase – not here but not quite there yet – it doesn’t really leave me with much to obsess over. nothing healthy at least.

i suppose that’s why i love art. painting. because one, it’s free flowing. and two, i can spend hours and days just not needing to think of anything. sometimes that’s bad because i forget to think of eating too, but lucky i have a husband who’s well aware of my patterns and makes sure i take (forced) breaks for meals.

i think i’ve always been this way. felt this way. but for some reason over the past few weeks, it’s been really bothering me. i’m searching for something, yet when i stop to think, i feel like i haven’t got the patience to follow through with even the thought of something. i feel irritated at having to think so much. which is weird, because i’ve always been comfortable with overthinking.

the night time and knowing i have to go to bed soon makes me anxious too. i thought i’d gotten over not liking the night. and i actually fall asleep easier nowadays, but i just feel anxious. like i haven’t had enough day to use. like i haven’t done anything and i’m still looking for something to do.

even on days that i’ve gotten loads of things done.

it could quite possibly be the coffee that i’ve been drinking. never drank coffee all my life til my husband’s love for it finally got to me. not more than a cup a day and it’s only been 2 weeks…but maybe caffeine is affecting my sanity more than i’d like it to.

coffee dropped. no more caffeine for me thank you. i’ll just go back to drinking plain water.

spontaneous pneumothorax

Yoong is back from the hospital. they discharged him yesterday.

for those who are curious, he had a spontaneous pneumothorax (collapse of a lung) brought on by dengue virus with an underlying bullae issue. which are these benign bubble like growths that put pressure on the lungs.

they put a tube into the right side of his chest to remove the air that had leaked out, for his lung to re-expand. but the doctors said our only option was to surgically remove the bullaes by an open thoracotomy (cutting into his chest), which would leave him with a 6-7 inch wound and a lot of recovery.

after a lot of consideration, we decided to opt against the surgery. that means he has been discharged, but the issue is far from being “solved”. this options means Yoong is currently living with half of a functional right lung and about 30% of his left. the rest of the space is occupied by these super annoyingly invasive “bubbles”.

we believe, that we should believe in the body’s ability to heal from all sorts of damage. especially because the lung has been known to re-grow to an extent. we are hoping to deal with this naturally by making lifestyle & diet changes, as well as look for psychological factors (the ayurvedic way) and if things don’t go as planned, then well, that’s what life has in store for him & us. everything will happen the way it’s meant to.

it is a complete trust in fate and a whole lot of faith but we feel most confident and comfortable with this decision – no matter what the outcome is.

this is another challenge life is throwing at us. two people who have chosen to live a life as naturally as we can. to take the road less traveled and believe that everything happens for a reason. even when what’s happening appears to be hell.

i am so proud of my husband for being the man he is. for being strong and willing to push through his fears and continue to live without giving into them. making a conscious choice to live not for our human selves but for our souls is an incredibly risky move. how can we be certain we’re making the “right” choice? how can we be certain things will go well? we very simply can’t. and we know the risks we are taking.

but ultimately, it is a decision to keep acting out of love instead of fear. even if it takes us down a path of darkness and uncertainty. everything truly does happen for a reason. the more we face ourselves and rise to the challenge, the more growth we are able to experience on so many levels. if we can’t trust life and its pains, then we simply will not get to benefit from the lessons we are meant to learn in this lifetime.

we choose to trust.
we choose love.

a million miles

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i have always struggled with my appearance over the years. from weight issues to horrid acne. i suppose the world we live in doesn’t teach a girl to love herself very much, does it? even when big brands come up with ads that feature a diversity of women telling you that any size/skin colour is beautiful, it’s still just marketing. ads to sell a product. their product. disguised better, to reach out to the women who don’t fall into the category of “perfect”, but all it does is further drill into a girl’s head that they need to be anything else but their natural, raw self to be happy.

i think it’s really toxic, thinking or worrying so much about how one looks. i battled acne for over a decade. i saw a couple of doctors earlier on who gave me all kinds of soaps to try. then i tried all kinds of other products and creams. but no matter how expensive or branded the option was, my skin didn’t get any better. i thought it’d never go away, so a year and a half ago i finally gave up and stopped using products altogether.

4i quit make up and got rid of all the creams, washes, toners and moisturizers. it was about the same time i let my hair dread so that meant no shampoo and conditioner as well. all i do now is rinse my face with water, even when it’s oily. i haven’t used soap or facial wash in over a year. and for the first time in my life, my skin stopped causing me grief.

how ridiculous to find out after a whole decade that make up and “miracle pimple creams” were really doing the damage to begin with. it’s not like i didn’t know make up was bad. but washing never helped either. all i needed to do was just leave it alone, treat my skin as though it didn’t exist. why didn’t anyone tell me that?

i had to dig through folders of photos to find a non-edited photo of myself. didn’t realise how many photos i’d have to go through. i really never did want to keep non-edited photos around because i refused to share them. i was truly ashamed for so long.

i finally found a photo though, from 2009 if my memory’s right. and here it is next to a photo from today with no make up or editing whatsoever. just me and my natural bushy eyebrows (which i have stopped plucking) in all it’s glory.

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as you can imagine, it has been a really long and painful journey! i am really glad i took the plunge into living on the extreme end of natural and healed myself in the process. i love that i’ve grown into feeling the way i do about my outside now. not worried. beautiful. free.

the only thing i have a real difficulty going natural about is my armpit hair. maybe i can allow myself this one exception and not ever take that step as i don’t see how i’d ever enjoy the result of that. it has been getting progressively longer between shaves though, so i guess i’ll never know.

no one should ever feel any less than perfect. maybe instead of trying to achieve “prettier”, we all take a step back and stop trying – and just be beautiful the way we already are :)

and so it goes

rr

 

 

went for my brother in law’s wedding over the weekend. and even though i love my crazy dreads, sometimes i think it needs a little tidying up before i go for a social/public event. my dreads have stopped shrinking now and it can finally start to grow out but as of right now it’s considerably short. wasn’t easy to get it neat, but i managed to pull something off.

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our lovely garden is growing now. and quite fast i might add. well, to me at least. sometimes i’m still caught off guard when i look over at the plants and see how big they’ve gotten. we’ve got 16 inch ladies fingers (okra) growing now. and i don’t know if there’s a larger breed of the plant, but they look freakishly long to me. haha.

muesli 10.9.2014

 

we’re having fruit yogurt honey chia muesli for breakfast every day. i think it’s brilliant because i’ve been getting more fruits than ever before and having it this way makes it so much more enjoyable. i’m really happy that we’re having all our meals at home now. i wasn’t sure if i was up for the whole cooking thing because cooking was never really that much of an interest. but somehow getting to prepare our own food and the bonus of not having to go out for every meal has made cooking very manageable. in fact, i’m really starting to look forward to it. that’s progress!