Category Archives: A NATURAL LIFE

non-stop

it’s just been so hectic since we’ve moved to taiping that i haven’t had the time to sit down and really write out a long post the way i’d like to. because short updates are so incredibly pointless and boring. almost every day is filled with all sorts of projects. one after another. constant effort and work to set up our garden and land. but i have been putting in the effort to update on our facebook page. and instagram. so at least this part of the process doesn’t go completely undocumented.

next week, real work starts on the land. and then we’ll probably be even more busy.

i’m making the time to update here because yesterday, after 4 long months of waiting, i finally miscarried and the blighted ovum washed out. two weeks ago, i was just about ready to give in and give up. we went to the hospital to see if it’d be better for me to get a d&c and of course the doctors said yes. but i’d have to be admitted for at least 3 days for them to monitor me. i hate hospitals. not dislike, hate. and unless i’m dying, i’d never admit myself into one to lay there in some crappy hospital bed with nothing to do, waiting for some kind of horrible, unnatural procedure.

so we walked away. i said i’d just be stubborn and wait for it to happen on it’s own.

then i got back and did some soul searching and realised that maybe the past 4 months have been insane. that i’m emotionally holding on to everything. i’m not a person who really lets things show. or express the struggles i’m going through. mainly because i don’t think anyone knows what to do with someone elses emotions. so after finding out it was a blighted ovum, my mum and stepdad (whom i’m very fond of) have gone through a separation leaving me with little to no contact with my stepsisters. then we had to make the decision to move but we found out my husband has a life threatening condition and was hospitalized for 10 days. during which, my grandmother died. and to be there for my husband meant missing out on the funeral process all the way back in penang. i could only be there for half a day which really wasn’t enough time for anything to sink in. i really love my grandmother. probably more purely than anyone else in my life. and then we had to deal with my husband’s family which were fear mongering and withholding support because they didn’t like our plan to move. then we moved anyways and have been setting up here.

i’ve been holding up pretty alright. i’m not one to crumble and collapse at stress or bad things happening. i think my tolerance of pain has been built up that i’m prepared for many things to happen. but on a subconscious, emotional level – i don’t think i took the time to let go of the baby we were supposed to have. i really wanted to be a mum. so that’s what i did. over the past 2 weeks, i’ve been consciously choosing to let go. it’s been an insane week emotionally. draining. especially because life doesn’t just stop when i want it to, but i did make time to let go.

and yesterday morning, it happened. i naturally miscarried almost painlessly after 20 weeks of waiting. isn’t that insane? they say risk of infection and all the bad stuff goes up after a few weeks. and they suggest after 4 weeks, if a miscarriage doesn’t happen naturally, to go in for a d&c. i now fully believe that i’m just about the most stubborn person i know. because waiting this out has felt like forever. but being here right now, i do feel it’s been completely worth it. the body, mind and soul work together and one’s got to trust in the process.

i’m really glad for the timing as volunteers get here on monday, which i’m looking forward to so much more now that i feel like i’ve stepped into the (chinese) new year as a lighter me.

spontaneous pneumothorax

Yoong is back from the hospital. they discharged him yesterday.

for those who are curious, he had a spontaneous pneumothorax (collapse of a lung) brought on by dengue virus with an underlying bullae issue. which are these benign bubble like growths that put pressure on the lungs.

they put a tube into the right side of his chest to remove the air that had leaked out, for his lung to re-expand. but the doctors said our only option was to surgically remove the bullaes by an open thoracotomy (cutting into his chest), which would leave him with a 6-7 inch wound and a lot of recovery.

after a lot of consideration, we decided to opt against the surgery. that means he has been discharged, but the issue is far from being “solved”. this options means Yoong is currently living with half of a functional right lung and about 30% of his left. the rest of the space is occupied by these super annoyingly invasive “bubbles”.

we believe, that we should believe in the body’s ability to heal from all sorts of damage. especially because the lung has been known to re-grow to an extent. we are hoping to deal with this naturally by making lifestyle & diet changes, as well as look for psychological factors (the ayurvedic way) and if things don’t go as planned, then well, that’s what life has in store for him & us. everything will happen the way it’s meant to.

it is a complete trust in fate and a whole lot of faith but we feel most confident and comfortable with this decision – no matter what the outcome is.

this is another challenge life is throwing at us. two people who have chosen to live a life as naturally as we can. to take the road less traveled and believe that everything happens for a reason. even when what’s happening appears to be hell.

i am so proud of my husband for being the man he is. for being strong and willing to push through his fears and continue to live without giving into them. making a conscious choice to live not for our human selves but for our souls is an incredibly risky move. how can we be certain we’re making the “right” choice? how can we be certain things will go well? we very simply can’t. and we know the risks we are taking.

but ultimately, it is a decision to keep acting out of love instead of fear. even if it takes us down a path of darkness and uncertainty. everything truly does happen for a reason. the more we face ourselves and rise to the challenge, the more growth we are able to experience on so many levels. if we can’t trust life and its pains, then we simply will not get to benefit from the lessons we are meant to learn in this lifetime.

we choose to trust.
we choose love.

Arture

so we’re moving to taiping. it’s confirmed. and i couldn’t be more excited. we’re looking into building earth bag homes which excites me even more. just when i was having a couple of low days feeling like part of my dream has disappeared. it’s hard to adjust my vision of a future, but that’s just what life is. constant change. this is turning out to be a phase of change that’s lead to different dreams truly coming true.

ebh1

indoor

a million miles

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i have always struggled with my appearance over the years. from weight issues to horrid acne. i suppose the world we live in doesn’t teach a girl to love herself very much, does it? even when big brands come up with ads that feature a diversity of women telling you that any size/skin colour is beautiful, it’s still just marketing. ads to sell a product. their product. disguised better, to reach out to the women who don’t fall into the category of “perfect”, but all it does is further drill into a girl’s head that they need to be anything else but their natural, raw self to be happy.

i think it’s really toxic, thinking or worrying so much about how one looks. i battled acne for over a decade. i saw a couple of doctors earlier on who gave me all kinds of soaps to try. then i tried all kinds of other products and creams. but no matter how expensive or branded the option was, my skin didn’t get any better. i thought it’d never go away, so a year and a half ago i finally gave up and stopped using products altogether.

4i quit make up and got rid of all the creams, washes, toners and moisturizers. it was about the same time i let my hair dread so that meant no shampoo and conditioner as well. all i do now is rinse my face with water, even when it’s oily. i haven’t used soap or facial wash in over a year. and for the first time in my life, my skin stopped causing me grief.

how ridiculous to find out after a whole decade that make up and “miracle pimple creams” were really doing the damage to begin with. it’s not like i didn’t know make up was bad. but washing never helped either. all i needed to do was just leave it alone, treat my skin as though it didn’t exist. why didn’t anyone tell me that?

i had to dig through folders of photos to find a non-edited photo of myself. didn’t realise how many photos i’d have to go through. i really never did want to keep non-edited photos around because i refused to share them. i was truly ashamed for so long.

i finally found a photo though, from 2009 if my memory’s right. and here it is next to a photo from today with no make up or editing whatsoever. just me and my natural bushy eyebrows (which i have stopped plucking) in all it’s glory.

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as you can imagine, it has been a really long and painful journey! i am really glad i took the plunge into living on the extreme end of natural and healed myself in the process. i love that i’ve grown into feeling the way i do about my outside now. not worried. beautiful. free.

the only thing i have a real difficulty going natural about is my armpit hair. maybe i can allow myself this one exception and not ever take that step as i don’t see how i’d ever enjoy the result of that. it has been getting progressively longer between shaves though, so i guess i’ll never know.

no one should ever feel any less than perfect. maybe instead of trying to achieve “prettier”, we all take a step back and stop trying – and just be beautiful the way we already are :)