Category Archives: A RAINBOW JOURNEY

shift

the first quarter of 2017 was truly transformative, culminating in the momentous yet somewhat insignificant chopping of my 4 year old dreads. a decision made over a quick 5 minute before-bed conversation with my other half and carried out by yours truly with the aid of my trusty favourite pair of scissors the morning after. akin to the process of metamorphosis except that it felt way past due, in all honesty – hence the feeling of insignificance i suppose. i was already a butterfly, still walking around in the shell of my old caterpillar self.

i felt the need to break free creeping up on me for months – almost trying to avoid the reality that the luscious rebellious unkempt dreads i once attached to self as part of my identity no longer felt like me. i can’t say what finally came over me that fine night when the energies of change swept me off my feet and propelled me forward into this new reality. it happened so swiftly.

MAY.

we will always remember may of 2017. just days after what will be from this day forth be referred to as “the haircut”, we embarked on the emotional journey of saying goodbye to a parent as my husband’s father was unexpectedly hospitalized and given the end life prognosis. earth-shattering. but as we crossed paths with others over the following week, it became increasingly clear that the intense energy of may was felt across the board. this had indeed been a time of change and what else could we do but take everything in with a deep breath and exhale into the new.

which really got me thinking – being that i love me some good introspection – about the soil i had prepared to plant my seeds of change and the harvest that now awaits me in my garden of personal growth.

i cannot deny that the absence of weight i now feel on my head mirrors what i have been feeling on the inside. the first quarter of 2017 brought about a wave of self worth through self love and acceptance. and through that, a lightness that never existed within my perfectionist human mind.

if feels as though the journey of motherhood gave me all the motivation i needed to constantly be a better self, bringing forth and forcing me to address my accumulated human trauma and dig past through to my childlike essence self – the very essence i witness everyday in my daughter – and at long last with the warm embrace of life, there has been a breakthrough.

i love that we chose to move to taiping where we live a quiet, wholesome family life with little to no distractions (or entertainment) to pull us away from what truly matters. healing. being content. being present. we aren’t there yet, and i cannot say for certain if there is even a there to begin with. but with each passing day, we get closer to understanding what it means to be free.

and sometimes when i get a moment of peace to myself amidst the wonder and bewilderment that is parenting, it almost feels as if i am free floating and free flowing in a vast open space. dancing to the passing energies. just being.

break through

sometimes it makes me angry.
sometimes it makes me sad.
sometimes i am scared.

sometimes i get so frustrated that no matter what i say, i can’t seem to get through.

i’m a fixer. and whenever i pick up on something within myself – emotionally or physically – that needs fixing, i try to fix it. i try very hard. i try so hard i end up breaking my back trying to heal it. and then i try some more. i never give up.

EVER.

but i can’t fix everything. i struggle to just fix myself. so when other people need fixing, i try to do my part to enable them to fix themselves and hope they get to it. sometimes they don’t.

sometimes my other half doesn’t.

i don’t understand why.

could it be that he doesn’t care? or that he’s not worried? or that it actually scares him too much to allow himself to think of the what ifs. because the what ifs are pretty darn scary to me. maybe he just doesn’t give it much thought. maybe it matters less to him than it does to me.

this does after all, affect the outcome of my life more than it does his. however selfish that sounds.

he is my partner. my better half. my soulmate. there’s no version of the future in my mind in which we aren’t holding hands, growing old together. whether or not he is here – to me – is everything.

of course it scares me.
of course that makes me sad.
of course i get angry.

why would he not do all he can for the best possible chance at that future?

what am i not getting? and why am i not getting through?
i want to fix things so badly my mind was yelling so loud i’ve gone deaf.

it’s silent now.
it’s better when it’s silent.

i wish it would stay silent forever.

mom

being a mom means having very little no time to myself.

being a mom means trying to work out when to put tiny human down after she falls asleep after feeding for a nap to get some little task done and being worried that some random sound will signal the end of that personal time. usually something does wake her up. usually too soon to soon for me to complete anything!

being a mom means having the patience to work on a project – 20 minutes at a time, over the span of many days – sometimes losing interest before its able to be completed – sending it to the ever growing list of things to get to that will never get done.

being a mom means sacrificing self. prioritizing tiny human’s needs and wants. self interest. self image. self identity. everything changes to accommodate tiny human that relies on me 24/7.

being a mom means being on watch and on call every waking moment of tiny human’s days. to greet her in the morning. to pick her up. to change her diapers and clothes. to shower her. to play with her. to help her stand up. to keep her from falling down. to feed her. all throughout the night.

being a mom means forgetting what real sleep feels like. 2 hours is my new bar. 2 hours is good. 3 hours is rare and amazing. 4 hours is panic because “what’s wrong?! why has tiny human not woken me up yet”.

being a mom is getting out of bed every morning despite the intense lack of sleep, the tiredness or the body aches. being made aware of the strength i truly posses. pushing myself beyond limits i’ve never experienced before.

being a mom means having this innate desire to continuously do better. to provide all i can and more. to never feel good enough, no matter the effort or outcome.

being a mom means being fiercely protective – hyper-alert and hypersensitive to the environment and how it affects tiny human – having senses so on point, it’s almost a superpower.

being a mom means being a superhero. taking on the responsibilities and obligations. receiving the adoration and love.

being a mom means being the UNIVERSE to tiny human. EVERYTHING. ALL. TOTAL. WHOLE. SEMUA. KA LIAO. QUAN BU.

being a mom means being in love like never before. overwhelming love. and falling in love all over again at every new thing tiny human does. and tiny human does a lot of new things. all the time.

being a mom means living life with a purpose. because raising tiny human right – really matters. and will take a lifetime. what an honour and gift, to be given tiny human to guide through life and learn from.

being a mom means re-experiencing life all over again. seeing things through tiny human’s not so tiny eyes. rediscovering the beauty in simplicity. and the importance of things i have come to overlook or take for granted.

being a mom means spending what little free time i have while tiny human sleeps – watching her sleep. watching her sleep happily. feeling content. feeling accomplished. feeling oneness. feeling complete.

being a mom means wanting no time to myself and accepting the daily chaos that is my new life because i no longer desire to be in control because i am just so mindlessly lost in love. lost in tiny human.

hello tiny human. i’ve been waiting for you.

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happy anniversary my love.

4 years ago we took that great big leap and decided to move in together after one month of seeing each other while the whole world was angry and tried to keep us apart. good times.

not everyone could see what we already knew. you and i are one. our soul paths were meant to intertwine for us to help each other become our whole selves through the process of creating the life we both yearned for so much.

our path is still long and very much unknown, but i trust we will continue flowing with the universe towards everything we know is possible. i trust the journey will bring us home.

look how far we’ve come since that miserable room in kota.

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i am so proud of us. thank you for being willing to take on every challenge this life incurs, however challenging it may be sometimes.

i love you. i will be right by your side always.

the 5th month

i thought i’d write a post on pregnancy before i’m done being pregnant and completely forget what this phase of waiting for baby feels like. the strange thing is i hardly feel pregnant at all sometimes. the first trimester was a little uncomfortable – having to fight the urge to be sick, newly heightened sense of smell that made me so aware of everything, being tired and wanting to nap. but it really is true that the second trimester is a little break before i get big and heavy. maybe nature has it that way so women don’t suffer continuously for the whole 10 months. yes, 10 months since i’m technically supposed to be pregnant for 40 weeks beginning from ovulation. i wonder why it’s always referred to as 9.

baby is growing and i’m starting to show. although in loose clothes i still look very much normal. i’m thinking i’d just look like i have a little pouch to anyone who doesn’t know i’m pregnant. looking forward to having a bigger bump really! but i’ll be patient and treasure the ease of movement i have at the moment.

we are busy busy busy preparing for the arrival of baby. it’s not all baby related stuff besides the researching side because i’ve been studying and there really isn’t too much that baby needs actually. so many people have said how expensive it is to have a child nowadays but really i think it’s the parents who want to live an expensive lifestyle. having a child is as simple as providing the basics and lots of love. the basics can be pretty damn affordable and love is tough work, but it’s free. i shall put this theory to the test soon and report back on how whether i still feel the same way after having to take care of a child.

the rest of what’s keeping us busy is setting up our home. to make sure that the space is satisfactory for us so we don’t have to think of home improvement work once baby is here. i doubt we’d have time or energy for any of that for a while.

sometimes it feels surreal that i am at this point in life. i’ve been waiting forever for this moment but the journey to get here has played out so differently. for a while it felt like i wasn’t living the life i wanted to live but since detaching from childhood fantasy like expectations, i’ve come to realise how much i’m really loving the life that i do have.

my in-laws have finally decided to give us the green light to be together. after 3 years, a wedding (they did not attend) and a baby on the way. well, i guess better late than never. i’m personally not one for giving a shit about getting approval – especially not from people who have continuously treated me horribly – but i know that this is the family i’ve married into and whether it suits me or not, these are my husband’s parents. even if i could walk away and not care, he wouldn’t ever be able to. so i’m hoping this baby gives them a reason to just be happy for him and love him and their grandchild and not create such drama and negativity anymore.

once again i feel so grateful for the amazingly wonderful family i’ve been blessed with that’s been nothing but loving and supportive through this very memorable phase of my life. count the blessings i do have, right? :)