the first quarter of 2017 was truly transformative, culminating in the momentous yet somewhat insignificant chopping of my 4 year old dreads. a decision made over a quick 5 minute before-bed conversation with my other half and carried out by yours truly with the aid of my trusty favourite pair of scissors the morning after. akin to the process of metamorphosis except that it felt way past due, in all honesty – hence the feeling of insignificance i suppose. i was already a butterfly, still walking around in the shell of my old caterpillar self.
i felt the need to break free creeping up on me for months – almost trying to avoid the reality that the luscious rebellious unkempt dreads i once attached to self as part of my identity no longer felt like me. i can’t say what finally came over me that fine night when the energies of change swept me off my feet and propelled me forward into this new reality. it happened so swiftly.
we will always remember may of 2017. just days after what will be from this day forth be referred to as “the haircut”, we embarked on the emotional journey of saying goodbye to a parent as my husband’s father was unexpectedly hospitalized and given the end life prognosis. earth-shattering. but as we crossed paths with others over the following week, it became increasingly clear that the intense energy of may was felt across the board. this had indeed been a time of change and what else could we do but take everything in with a deep breath and exhale into the new.
which really got me thinking – being that i love me some good introspection – about the soil i had prepared to plant my seeds of change and the harvest that now awaits me in my garden of personal growth.
i cannot deny that the absence of weight i now feel on my head mirrors what i have been feeling on the inside. the first quarter of 2017 brought about a wave of self worth through self love and acceptance. and through that, a lightness that never existed within my perfectionist human mind.
if feels as though the journey of motherhood gave me all the motivation i needed to constantly be a better self, bringing forth and forcing me to address my accumulated human trauma and dig past through to my childlike essence self – the very essence i witness everyday in my daughter – and at long last with the warm embrace of life, there has been a breakthrough.
i love that we chose to move to taiping where we live a quiet, wholesome family life with little to no distractions (or entertainment) to pull us away from what truly matters. healing. being content. being present. we aren’t there yet, and i cannot say for certain if there is even a there to begin with. but with each passing day, we get closer to understanding what it means to be free.
and sometimes when i get a moment of peace to myself amidst the wonder and bewilderment that is parenting, it almost feels as if i am free floating and free flowing in a vast open space. dancing to the passing energies. just being.