Category Archives: life

enigma

life is an enigma. i have always functioned under the assumption that there is some place that you get to in life where everything feels alright. as i have journeyed, it has only become clearer that alright doesn’t really exist. not as a stationary destination you can remain at forever. alright exists in between the currents of life. that moment of stillness after a wave has hit the shore and climbed to its highest, before it retreats back into the ocean. alright is being in the present and experiencing the present for what it is, with no questions or expectations of what things should be could be would be. alright is not an outcome. it is acceptance. and it is ever present as it is fleeting – just as our ability to remain in the now is.

the cyclical nature of life is such that it is constantly throwing you for a loop. questions = answers = certainty = action = experience = uncertainty =  loop. and no matter how much i work out, there is always more to understand. sometimes it is the only reason for hope. other times it is positively maddening. to believe one has it figured out is the work of ego. i have lots of ego. almost as much as i have love. i used to have more. ego, that is. and it fills me with the same familiar emotion – every few years when i make time to read through some old posts – a somewhat mundane realization of how little i understood in regards to what i spoke of prior to the experiences to come.

i think the biggest difference i feel in this stage of life is a sense of unknowing. contrary to the certainty i was prone to feeling in the past. perhaps i was chasing something and felt as though i was getting there. for the first time in my life, i don’t believe there is anything to chase anymore. i have all i could ask for. probably more. yet…there is still this feeling that something is not “alright”. but i no longer know what. nor do i have a plan.

could it be that i have reached my “goal” only to be faced with the reality that in the pursuit of that goal, i glazed over the details that truly mattered? it is wholly true to my character to be so focused on getting what i want that i do not stop to care about how i am getting it. to be impatient and therefor reckless.

or perhaps i have reached my goal and find the lack of something to aim for entirely uncomfortable. because to aim for is all i’ve ever known. all i’ve been taught.

i am allowing myself to sit in this uncertainty a little longer this time. i am widening the gap between questions and answers. and honestly, it feels quite numb. and a tad bit paralyzing. i have moved through most of my life by ego-lead-certainty. how could it be any other way when that is how i was raised? now that i am less certain and less enthusiastic about asserting my opinions, i just feel blank.

i wonder if blankness can be alright. if the absence of certainty and all the thoughts and feelings that form from it is a form of peace? there are moments where i am neither happy nor sad. that moment of stillness. but then the ocean begins to pull back and the lack of happiness, of all things, causes me to feel sad. so i am sad over nothing.

what if i can hold on to that stillness a little longer?

to be present is to quiet yourself. to let your senses take in everything as is. to observe, with no judgement. the sky is blue. the sun is incredibly bright. the fan is making a noise. the wind blows. the trees blow in the wind. the air is hot. my children laugh. or cry. i am reading the words off a book. this book has pictures. my child asks me a question. i think of an answer to the question. i continue reading the book. continue trying to be present.

mom

being a mom means having very little no time to myself.

being a mom means trying to work out when to put tiny human down after she falls asleep after feeding for a nap to get some little task done and being worried that some random sound will signal the end of that personal time. usually something does wake her up. usually too soon for me to complete anything!

being a mom means having the patience to work on a project – 20 minutes at a time, over the span of many days – sometimes losing interest before its able to be completed – sending it to the ever growing list of things to get to that will never get done.

being a mom means sacrificing self. prioritizing tiny human’s needs and wants. self interest. self image. self identity. everything changes to accommodate tiny human that relies on me 24/7.

being a mom means being on watch and on call every waking moment of tiny human’s days. to greet her in the morning. to pick her up. to change her diapers and clothes. to shower her. to play with her. to help her stand up. to keep her from falling down. to feed her. all throughout the night.

being a mom means forgetting what real sleep feels like. 2 hours is my new bar. 2 hours is good. 3 hours is rare and amazing. 4 hours is panic because “what’s wrong?! why has tiny human not woken me up yet”.

being a mom is getting out of bed every morning despite the intense lack of sleep, the tiredness or the body aches. being made aware of the strength i truly posses. pushing myself beyond limits i’ve never experienced before.

being a mom means having this innate desire to continuously do better. to provide all i can and more. to never feel good enough, no matter the effort or outcome.

being a mom means being fiercely protective – hyper-alert and hypersensitive to the environment and how it affects tiny human – having senses so on point, it’s almost a superpower.

being a mom means being a superhero. taking on the responsibilities and obligations. receiving the adoration and love.

being a mom means being the UNIVERSE to tiny human. EVERYTHING. ALL. TOTAL. WHOLE. SEMUA. KA LIAO.

being a mom means being in love like never before. overwhelming love. and falling in love all over again at every new thing tiny human does. and tiny human does a lot of new things. all the time.

being a mom means living life with a purpose. because raising tiny human right – really matters. and will take a lifetime. what an honour and gift, to be given tiny human to guide through life and learn from.

being a mom means re-experiencing life all over again. seeing things through tiny human’s not so tiny eyes. rediscovering the beauty in simplicity. and the importance of things i have come to overlook or take for granted.

being a mom means spending what little free time i have while tiny human sleeps – watching her sleep. watching her sleep happily. feeling content. feeling accomplished. feeling oneness. feeling complete.

being a mom means wanting no time to myself and accepting the daily chaos that is my new life because i no longer desire to be in control because i am just so mindlessly lost in love. lost in tiny human.

hello tiny human. i’ve been waiting for you.

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bella luna

i chose to welcome being pregnant, before the scary first trimester was over and the pregnancy was confirmed. i made the choice to because even if the pregnancy failed (a good amount of miscarriages occur within the first trimester) the journey of transformation and change within would have already been taking place. and it has.

but such is life. that is for better or worse – what makes this journey a real trip. perfection is in the imperfection. once again i am faced with the opportunity to grow, to learn even more how to wholly and purely embrace the universe. removing expectations of outcomes that sometimes are not the slightest bit in my control, no matter how much i want something.

it is a hard process. the pain of loss i feel though, is not for an unborn child. because it was a blighted ovum (which accounts for about half of first trimester miscarriages), and there is nothing we could have done better over the past 2 months for a different outcome. it stopped developing because nature did what it was supposed to.

the soul that is meant to be our child is somewhere waiting. it is not lost or gone.

what i do feel right now is a sudden emptiness. the idea of finally becoming a mother (which has always mattered more to me than anything else) gave me a sense of purpose beyond anything i’ve ever felt before. now we try again to get pregnant in a few months. and hope that it goes smoothly. that there isn’t some bigger underlining issue that’s caused this to happen. it’s not easy, not knowing if i will be able to carry to full term. just waiting. accepting. hoping. trusting. but that is what we’ll have to do.

guitarand if it’s just not in my cards, there are other options. which i have considered thoroughly as well. so i’m sure whatever happens, at the end of the day we’ll be just fine.

for now, i am playing the guitar.

i will channel all the love that’s built up into music. before we got the news, i had the sudden urge to get a guitar and make sure that music was a part of my (our) life again. so yesterday, my husband bought me one. and it’s been really calming.

let the music heal your soul.
let the music take control.
let the music give you the power to move any mountain ;)

rainbows and skittles

i wonder what people think i’m doing with my life sometimes. the ones whose lives are intertwined with mine. i wonder if they get it. if they see the love. if they see how happy my soul is. i wonder if they think i’m irresponsible, unrealistic, a dreamer, insane.

i think being independent as a 20-something year old is a pretty tough feat to pull off nowadays. i don’t blame anyone for taking it easy and setting themselves up better before stepping out on their own. it’s getting increasingly harder to feel secure, successful in a world where money, quality of life and achievements go hand in hand. and despite what some may think, i completely understand how the world works. i know what i’m supposed to do. i know that every step i’ve taken has been off track, uncertain, against the current.

but i’m still on that path. and it is still by choice.

Untitled-2i started picking up a long time ago on how much people feel like having a child is this huge financial commitment. this thing that ties you down. a burden. i think it is a concern expressed more often by men as men have carried the weight of providing for their family for ages. but now as women have taken to the workplace and handle their own finances, i hear it from them too. endless statements on how much a child costs, what it will keep you from doing, how you should do what you want to and enjoy life before having children.

forgive me for not wanting to see having a family in the conventional way, whatever that is. forgive me for rejecting your perception.

i believe in love. love drives me. love makes everything we go through worth the while. the way i see it is, the more love i have in my life, the more beautiful life will be. everything i get to enjoy now cannot compare to happiness i would feel, getting to share it with this little being, another soul, my child. yes it will be work, but if the work is for something beautiful, it isn’t a burden. i don’t see it as a burden. i don’t get why anyone would insist on seeing it that way. i truly believe perception matters. if i feel my child is a burden, it will be projected onto the child and he/she will feel it. i refuse to have my child feel like anything else but a gift.

no one knows what parenting will be until the moment they’re there – standing in the heart of the fire. it is scary, but fear is nothing next to love. and i trust that love will be enough. i talk a whole lot about love which makes some people think that i believe life will be all rainbow and skittles, leaving me unprepared for real life. but real life, i can handle. there hasn’t been anything that’s been thrown at me (and boy was that a load of crap) that i didn’t take and turn into positive growth. i sincerely know we’re equipped to handle this.

it has taken a while for my husband and i to grow into a good balance of necessary hard work and dedication to our goal of freedom. we are choosing to do this from where we are, and not waiting to get to a “better place” before having a family. this is by choice. not by stupidity, or ignorance, or abandonment of the real world and how it works. we have thought it out, seriously. what would go into raising a child, and how we’d want to do it (uniquely of course). and we’re as prepared as any expecting parent can be. no offence to my parents, but i don’t think they were prepared internally and externally to provide for a family by the standards of normalcy. i still turned out fine. so how “perfect” does the situation really have to be for us to take this step?

the negative people may see it as “uh oh. there goes their life. will they be able to provide for their child? can they even provide for themselves? won’t everything be so much harder when things are already hard?” and insist on correcting our views towards their bleaker outlook on life.

well, to that i say go right ahead. it’s alright if you want to choose to look at our lives through your lens and see what you want to see because it doesn’t shake us. it doesn’t change anything. we still choose to be us.

there are plenty of people who have the right lens on and get what we’re doing, so i’ll just keep those people in my life. it’s just really hard sometimes to remove negativity when the negativity’s coming from family. or some parts of it.

blood is thicker than water, but family isn’t just about blood. family is about faith and loyalty. who you love and treat right. if you don’t have those things, i don’t care what the blood says. you’re not family.

free

is it just me? or do people seem to get more and more defeated by life as we all get older? my generation of people are now in their 20s, and finally understanding what it’s like to become part of the adult world. i have noticed so many people expressing their dissatisfaction with a dead end job, or one they don’t even enjoy doing, complaining about stress – but that’s all they do. they don’t seem to want to get out of those situations. they just put up with it, and be unsatisfied.

where was it said that we have to just get with the program and do what we are expected/told to do, to survive? did i not get a memo on that? is it naive to believe that we can do what we are passionate about in life, and still live?

it must come down to money. it always does. everyone thinking that we need money to be happy, to buy things, to go places, to enjoy life – which makes jobs our lifelines. our only means to survive, at such a young age.

no i don’t think that money has no importance in this world. i wish it didn’t, but we can’t change the situation we were born into, and it does. but i find it funny when some friends express their dissatisfaction and obvious desire to be free, then tell me that i’m lucky or they wish they could just have it easy like me. because i haven’t worked for anyone but myself in 4 years, work stress is non-existent to me but yet i seem to be able to buy things and go places.

but i don’t exactly buy things. not anything i don’t absolutely need. i survive because i live extremely thriftily. you know that new phone or cool gadget that just came out? i don’t. how about the latest brands or trends in fashion? i don’t. you’d have to tell me which make up or beauty care products are any good too, coz i definitely don’t know that either. and that’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to things i don’t keep up with anymore.

i used to care so much. too much. and many years of whatever hard earned income i had went into a lifestyle that brought me no good or benefit. i spent way too much on going out, meeting people, partying, buying alcoholic beverages, having fancy meals, going on shopping sprees, holidays. but the satisfaction i got from any of that hardly lasted at all. they were temporary fixes, but never actually fixed anything. it was a lifestyle that had to be maintained at all costs, or the fun i was having would just stop. i wouldn’t be able to afford anything, and then what would i do? how would i enjoy myself? how would i be happy?

that is why i set myself free. i am lucky. lucky to have had all my fun at a very young age and learn my lesson right after, with more than enough time to make a 180 turn for the better, before my life truly began. i also earned my right to do what i enjoy doing and not be stressed out. my partner and i budget our expenses and save some for rainy days, not spending more than we should on anything that we don’t actually need while taking risks with business opportunities to find something we really love doing that will bring in a long term income so we can plan towards buying a land and being self sustainable to give our children (and parents in their old age) a healthy life closer to nature where money and stress isn’t everything anymore.

you can call me naive, but i know there is much more to life than just working a job to make a “living”. working days and hours that leave me with not enough time to spend with people i love, travel or work on skills and hobbies. money to go on pointless shopping sprees to reward myself and make up for the dissatisfaction. “stability” that enables me to get a loan to buy a house that i barely spend time in, and a car to get me to the wretched job that would be responsible of keeping me from truly living in the first place.

it’s all a big loop to me. where is the end? i see people of our elder generations – having lived their lives the way they were expected to – worrying about retirement and where they go after. worrying because whatever money they’ve made is still not enough to take care of everyone’s evergrowing needs. what’s really scary though, is that i see them unhappy. what good is monetary income and material wealth when our elder generations, 20 – 30 – 40 years ahead of us have in many ways achieved all of that, and aren’t happy yet.

we think we put up with work and all it’s torture in the now, so we can save enough – and then live the lives we wanna live. but if we don’t really think about the decisions we’re making, one thing just leads to another and before we know it, we are 70, with the best years of our health and lives behind us – then only realising there were so many things we wish we did different. it’s the someday syndrome. someday i will quit my job. someday i will spend more time with my family. someday i will travel with my friends. someday this, someday that. and then, that someday never happens.

39so to anyone with passion that i happen to cross paths with who is stuck in a situation that makes them unhappy, i try to say the same one thing. chase that passion now. follow your rainbow. even if it’s risky and isn’t what others expect of you – just do it. because we should, before more time is wasted doing what we don’t want to do. whatever age we are at now, we don’t gain any time by waiting a little longer. we shouldn’t let money be our sole guide in the now, especially if we are young! while we have the space to find what we want to do, we shouldn’t tie ourselves down to loans and job commitments. we owe it to ourselves to discover what makes us feel fulfilled, and from there – work on making a living from it. you can use your income to shop and travel all you want now, but if the reality that you go back to is something that’s not satisfactory, no amount of escapism is going to change that.

free yourself first. it takes effort and sacrifices, but the freedom is certainly well worth the trouble.