Category Archives: life

thrive.

i used to be such an angry person. angry at the world for being so ugly. angry at life for everything it put me through. angry at the people around me who didn’t understand what was happening. angry at the people who caused me all that pain and grief.

you see, i have experienced just about everything any parent wouldn’t want their child to. abuse. divorce. running away. partying. drugs. sex. cutting. poverty. stealing. i’ve been cheated on. lied to. abandoned. “dumped”. attacked. threatened. ignored.

left feeling completely and utterly invisible on countless occasions.

it is so hard to not play the victim. to not feel victimized by people’s actions and choices. i blamed everyone for doing to me what i didn’t ask for. but the thing is, maybe i did – ask for it. maybe i made the choice to break expectations, challenge the norm and disappoint everyone along the way. i didn’t know what i was searching for but i was very obviously searching. i chose to let myself hurt, i went looking for pain. i didn’t in any moment of those many long years think that i was walking down a safe path but i sure as hell knew i had a destination to reach.

i allowed myself to go through hell and back because i was looking for my strength. it wasn’t something someone could just hand over to me. haha. if only it were that easy. and it’s not something a person gains by staying on the safer path. i got banged up and scratched pretty bad, hit my rock bottom, then taught myself to heal.

and then i forgave. i forgave everyone that ever did anything “wrong” to me because there was nothing to forgive in the first place. i let go of all the anger. all the pain. all the opportunities missed and time lost. i can never forget, but what i remember of my past now feels like a story. how is it possible that i was really there in all of those places and not feel that pain anymore? how is it that i no longer understand the anger i felt towards others …because all i am now is entertained and thankful.

everything i’ve been through has taught me that we are responsible of the things that “happen” to us. who we choose to be and how we choose to react determines the lens through which we perceive an experience. when we complain and say that we are miserable and don’t have a choice, we are lying. because there always is a choice. and even when it’s unexpected, we shouldn’t look at it as something that’s being done to us because every error is just a chance for us to grow. and what’s so scary about pain when we know that time (and self love) heals all wounds. everyone can heal, why should people still choose to hold on to anger and hatred? choose to feel wronged, betrayed. victimized. there really is no point in holding on to a grudge any longer than you have to, is there?

maybe someday i’d be able to stand still as people do what they do and not even let it get to me one bit. but i’m being real here, not just trying to paint a pretty picture. i have grown a whole lot but i am just not there yet.

i understand that parents worry constantly about their children and what bad influences the world will have on them. but maybe they/we shouldn’t worry so much. i mean, look at me. i was thrown out into the world to fend for myself, did everything that would give a parent multiple heart attacks. and i did not only survive, i am thriving.

you know …sometimes, people with the worst pasts end up creating the best futures :)

Big 2

Truly, one of the best weeks of my life.

And it reminded me that we really do have the rest of our lives ahead of us and things are just beginning to get good. It’s always nice to have a renewed zest for life!

Okay. So I kiss boys.

Sometimes it really gets to me how fucked up the world has become. Or more accurately, how fucked up people in the world have become. A conversation I recently had with a friend made me realize that there really are double standards when it comes to people and sex. One that women are on the losing end of. If a man sleeps around, he’s a hero. If a girl does it, she’s instantly labelled a slut. 
Flirting’s alright, but when flirty women find themselves in an uncomfortable situation where sex is then “expected”, it’s their own doing. Something they should be held responsible for coz they instigated it. If they say no, they’re criticized for being a cock tease. And if they don’t, well, that takes us back to the whole “slut” thing, doesn’t it? Personally, I have been pressured into it and being the dumbshit that I am sometimes, I have on occasions just given in, only to loath myself afterwards.
Indirectly putting the blame of women is honestly something I myself have been guilty of doing. I constantly tell my more innocent or naive girlfriends that men are just built that way. That such an uncontrolled reaction is expected of them. That maybe they, as women, should have known better than to play with fire and then come back crying after getting burnt. But when did such rubbish become so acceptable, and more importantly, why?
Sex isn’t something that should be thrown around with such ease. I wish I had an understanding of that earlier on in life, when it would have mattered a whole lot more. I had to experience certain things and make my own mistakes in order to learn the lessons I have so painfully learnt. The reason I’m so protective over certain people is because I know firsthand of the horrors life has to offer and I would never want them to go through half the things I have. 
It bothers me that if I were to ever have children, this is the world I am bringing them into. It bothers me that no matter how much I’d try to protect them, I would never be able to shelter them completely from what is simply, the harsh reality of life. It bothers me that instead of looking for a solution, the majority of people are just adding to the crap that already is.
I know I’m going to receive a mix reaction to this post. But I can’t just shut up when someone I love is hurting because a man could not, for lack of a better term, keep it in his pants. Rape isn’t something anyone could ever ask for and if we don’t start trying to fix this flaw we have created, we’re directly responsible for the stolen innocence of an increasing number of victims out there.

PSYcho

Once again, I have failed in updating my blog on a regular basis. Since the last update, my boyfriend has gotten back from Thailand and as everyone should know by now, I only blog when I have privacy. Don’t ask me why again
2012 has been a really good year so far. Nothing much to complain about. Life just seems to be getting better and now I feel like I should, in turn, treat life with a little bit more respect. Maybe the years that I spent being bitter over family drama and bad relationships were completely necessary. It takes time to deal with issues before the healing process can even start. It’d be a lie to say that I’m done dealing with the demons of my past, but I’m on my road to recovery. And that’s good enough for now.

Now to change topic completely, here’s something I’ve been listening to over the past week.

I know, not everyone’s cup of tea. Don’t think I would have even paid attention to it if it weren’t for Epic Tribe nights at Palate Palette.

Blurry, but that’s what the place looks like when it’s decorated.

Psytrance is the new black!

Obsessive Compulsive

Many people might not know, but I have always been a little OCD. It has faded away over time, especially over the past few years, but it’s taken some effort to get here. 
I’ve always liked (maybe even needed) balance. Whenever I accidentally touched something with my right hand, I’d have to touch it with my left hand too. Or if I kicked my left toe into a chair and it hurt, I’d have to do it with my right toe to get the same amount of pain. Getting up from the sofa and walking around the table to get something, I’d make it a point to walk around the other side of the table to get back to the sofa. And if I didn’t, I’d get up and walk around and back on the opposite side so that I would have passed both sides the equal amount of times.

I’ve also been pretty OCD with numbers. I like 3 and most multiples of 3 and I absolutely can not stand the number 4 (accept in 24, because it’s 8 x 3). It used to be so bad that if there was something I wanted to buy, and it came in a set of 4, I wouldn’t buy it, or I’d purposely lose (throw away) one, so that I would be left with 3. 

Although I can’t fully confirm why multiples of 3 appeal to me so much, I believe that it’s partially due to the fact that I was born on the 18th of September. Must have set in without me realizing it because I can’t remember far back enough to a time when I didn’t think 1809 was a very balance, pretty number. 
Over time, I forced myself to stop being so OCD about touching and walking around things. I’d purposely touch an object with one hand then sit still and force myself not to do anything with the other, despite how hard it was. And while I don’t think I have issues in buying things in fours now, my favouritism towards certain numbers has stuck.
I wouldn’t have thought about it if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m turning 24 this year. The biggest milestones in life (I feel) have always somehow been coordinated with the numbers I like. At 18, it was freedom from school. At 21, it was being completely legal and not having to worry about parental consent. And I always thought I’d get married at 24. My mum did it at that age, and I guess I grew up thinking that was the time for it to happen.
Now that I’m turning 24 this year and I’m nowhere near marriage, it’s made me reevaluate myself and think about the future. I don’t think I’ve given much thought to what I’d do with the rest of my life (after turning 24) if I didn’t already have a  husband and soon-to-be family to dedicate myself to. It’s definitely a little scary because I feel like 24 is the cut of point for stupidity and I should be smart enough to at least make proper decisions (most of the time) by the end of this year.
Maybe the world ending in 2012 isn’t such a bad thing. I’ve never hated the idea of it. In fact if it does happen, I would probably embrace it with open arms. But then again, the logical side of me fully doubts the possibility of an Apocalypse. I guess I’ll just have to try my hardest to get things right and then hope for the best.
By this time next year, I would have already passed the next milestone and I guess I’ll know how I feel about life after 24 then. Not sure if I’m looking forward to or dreading that day, but bring it on!